tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-41966720013119550092024-03-13T14:45:08.986-07:00RelationTipsTools and tips from Orange County's Marriage Counseling Expert on how to repair your relationship and reconnect with your spouse. For more, visit DrKathyNickerson.comDr. Kathy Nickersonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14489146425960922092noreply@blogger.comBlogger57125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4196672001311955009.post-87177505628476324672013-07-31T21:08:00.001-07:002013-07-31T21:23:17.494-07:0010 Ways To Reconnect: How To Fix Your Marriage If You Feel Numb<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<![endif]--><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">One of the
most common relationship problems is that of feeling disconnected. This feeling
is often expressed as “we just aren’t close anymore” or “I feel like we’re
roommates” or “it feels like the spark between us is gone.” If you can relate
to any of these sentiments, don’t worry, there are lots of ways to repair that
connection and help you get those close, connected feelings back. Here are 10
ideas to get you started…</span><br />
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">1. Spend more alone time together.</span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Increase
the amount of quality time you spend alone with your spouse. You don’t need to
be talking the whole time, in fact, it might be better for the two of you to
just do an activity together. If you’ve been disconnected for a while, it’s
hard to start talking again. Start doing whatever feels comfortable to you; add
conversation in when and where you can. Make sure your conversation is not
about relationship problems or disappointments, focus on what is good and what
is positive at first.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">2. Get out of the house and do
something fun together.</span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">When our
relationship has gotten lackluster, we either tend to stay home and do our own
things or we start spending time without our spouses away from home. To
reconnect, do more together outside of the house. Go hiking, kayaking, try
paddleboarding or photography. If you prefer, do other things for fun – go to
the movies, have dinner with friends, take a wine appreciation class together.
The point is to do something together that you will both enjoy.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">3. Start a project together.</span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Working on
something together will bring you closer. The project should be something
meaningful and valuable to you both, like building a doghouse, turning family
pictures into a video, planting a vegetable garden. Whatever the two of you
like and care about. Some couples find that they enjoy working on projects so
much together that they decide to start a small business; this can be great!
You spend more quality time together, you have a shared vision and purpose, and
you make money. I love it. If you need ideas for projects, explore Pinterest.com
for DIY projects and much more.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">4. Volunteer with a charity.</span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Close
couples have shared values and missions. Talk to your spouse about a cause that
really matters to you and see if you can find a mission that matters to you
both. If you can, wonderful, look for a local group where you can volunteer
together. If you have different passions, agree to each spend a certain amount
of time helping the other advance a group that champions your causes. You can
look online at VolunteerMatch.org for local charities that have volunteer
opportunities in your area.</span></div>
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<br />
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<br /></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">5. Create a “Happy Memories” box.</span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">As we are
trying to repair our relationships, it is easy to get discouraged when we hit a
rough patch. I’d like you to think of healing your relationship as a process
where you’re climbing up a mountain: just because you fall back a step or two
doesn’t mean you’re all the way back at the bottom of the mountain. Sometimes,
we have to take a step back to learn something new or gain a new perspective.
Failures are often just as important, if not more important, than successes. To
help you cope with rocky spots, create a “Happy Memories” box, where you put
letters, photos, fortune cookie notes, matchboxes, or anything you like in a
box to remind you of good moments between the two of you. You can create this
box together or each make your own.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">6. Research your genealogy and create
a shared family tree.</span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">All of us
tend to be excited by learning more about our family history. I encourage you
and your partner to help each other research your genealogy and create a shared
family tree. This research can be done online, using tools at Ancestry.com or
Genie.com, and you can have great conversations as you talk about what you’ve
found and what you’re seeing online. You might also decide to plan a trip to
one of the places that’s meaningful to your history. Being helpful, sharing in
important events, and talking about memories is a great way to reconnect.</span></div>
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<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">7. Practice relationship enhancing
thoughts every day.</span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">A
relationship enhancing thought (RET) is a thought about a happy time, a good
feeling, an important moment that makes you feel closer to your spouse. I’d
like you to spend 2 minutes a day thinking about RETs and trying to reconnect
with good, loving feelings about your partner. To generate some RETs, try
asking yourself some questions, like: (1) what did she do yesterday that was
nice, (2) what did he say on your last anniversary, (3) what physical trait are
you most attracted to, (4) what compliments have people given you about your
spouse? If you’re struggling to come up with RETs, just google “relationship
affirmations.”</span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">8. Have more Hallmark moments.</span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">I ask
nearly all of my clients to end each session with a Hallmark moment. What I
mean by this is that I’d like them to imagine a romantic, mushy Hallmark card
and to say out loud to their spouse what they would write inside. For example,
I might “give” Chris a Hallmark card that says, “Don’t worry, you’re safe with
me” on the cover, then I’ll ask Chris what he would tell Karen on the inside of
the card. Chris might say, “Don’t’ worry, you’re safe with me, I really love
you and I’ll never let you down.” These words are likely to be very meaningful
to Karen and something she’ll think about for several days. I encourage you to
do these Hallmark moments on your own, what we say to the other is very
powerful. </span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">9. Increase your affection.</span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Affection
can take many forms: sometimes it is a kind word, sometimes it’s a compliment
or helping someone with a chore. Others prefer physical touch or a little gift.
Think about how your spouse shows affection and try to give them affection in
their preferred way. For example, if your wife always sends long, loving cards
to friends on their birthdays, she probably loves words of affection. Give her
some words of affection by verbally thanking her for something nice she’s done
for you or by leaving a loving post-it note on the mirror in the morning. If
your husband likes to give people gifts, pick up a little token gift for him,
like his favorite snack, and have it at home. Make little gestures often,
rather than one sweeping gesture once a year.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>If it’s been a long time since you had any physical closeness, start
slowly and remember that physical affection should happen after emotional
closeness is achieved. Focus on feeling closer before you try to initiate too
much physical touch. It’s good to start with holding hands, a hug, a touch on
the shoulder; then proceed slowly from there.</span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">10. Talk about what matters, share
your deeper, inner thoughts.</span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">The single
most important thing you can do to feel closer to your spouse is to open up and
talk about what’s really on your mind or in your heart. If you’re just starting
to reconnect, talk about more superficial things: your day, what’s happening at
work, what would be fun to do this weekend. As you get closer over time, push
yourself to go deeper: share what you’re excited about, what you’re worried
about, what sore spots you have that need healing, what scares you, what you’re
dreaming about. Close partners feel comfortable sharing anything and everything
with their spouse and knowing they’ll be safe sharing that information. Work
hard to make your partner feel understood, safe (i.e., not judged or
criticized), and supported in each conversation. With time, lots of
conversations, and much love, you will find your way back to each other. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Copyright 2013 - Kathleen Nickerson, PhD - DrKathyNickerson.com</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";"><br /></span></div>
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<i>Dr Kathy Nickerson is an expert marriage counselor in Orange County,
California. Her practice focuses on preventing divorce, helping
marriages thrive, improving communication in couples, and affair
recovery. You can learn more at <a href="http://www.drkathynickerson.com/">www.DrKathyNickerson.com</a>. </i></div>
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Dr. Kathy Nickersonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14489146425960922092noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4196672001311955009.post-17893422716282103842013-06-26T23:32:00.000-07:002013-06-26T23:32:45.508-07:0015 Techniques To Help You Stop Fighting & Start TalkingIf you and your spouse have been locked in combat mode for a while, it's time to make some changes! Few things are more damaging to your mood, health, and relationship than being in constant conflict. Fighting actually changes our neurochemistry and physiology, which means that the effects of a fight last far longer than the fight itself. Frequent fighting means your body stays in this altered state for longer periods of time and with each fight, the stress chemicals get higher and higher, which ironically, makes another fight more likely. <br />
<br />
To break this fighting cycle, I'd like you to think of yourself like a scientist. I want you to think of each fight as an experiment, where you need to change only one thing each time. Each fight, change just one thing and note the results. Keep experimenting, keep observing. Pretty soon, you'll realize the "secret formula" for you and your spouse<br />
<br />
To help you find this secret formula, here are 15 different techniques to experiment with. Please try each one and make notes about which ones work best for you. Keep what works, discard what doesn't. Share and discuss your observations with your spouse so the two of you can fine tune your approach.<br />
<br />
<b>1. Soften up.</b> Be warmer, be friendlier, acknowledge what you hear that makes sense to you. People want to work with and listen to someone who acts like a teddy bear, not a prickly cactus.<br />
<br />
<b>2. Describe how you are feeling.</b> Explain your perspective without judging or blaming the other person. Use emotional language and talk about feelings where appropriate. For example, say "I am hurt because I feel like I am not a priority for you."<br />
<br />
<b>3. Stop listening like a lawyer and preparing your defense.</b> Instead, flip a coin (pick a number or play rock/scissors/paper) to determine who will speak first and who will listen; then switch roles after 2 minutes. While you're listening like a lawyer, you're not really listening at all. You're thinking about what argument you're going to present when it's your turn to talk. So, force yourself out of this pattern, push yourself to really listen to your spouse and try to understand his/her perspective. Listen for where you can bend and offer compromises.<br />
<br />
<b>4. Take frequent breaks</b>. During each break, do something to calm yourself down. Go for a walk, listen to your favorite song, do 5 minutes of yoga, watch a relaxation video, re-read a love letter from your spouse. Do anything you like that calms you down and soothes you.<br />
<br />
<b>5. Try adding some structure to your arguments.</b> Try the 5-5-3-3-2-2 + Hallmark approach. Person 1 talks for 5 minutes, while the other person listens. Then person 2, while person 1 listens, for 5 minutes. Then person 1 responds for 3 minutes, followed by person 2 for 3 minutes. Then person 1 wraps up for 2 minutes, followed by person 2 for 2 minutes. To conclude, each of you should say something loving and emotional, like something you'd write in a Hallmark card. Emotional "Hallmark" moments help soothe your partner and encourage positive changes to take place.<br />
<br />
<b>6. Play Let's Make A Deal.</b> Ask for something you need in exchange for something your partner wants. For example, you might say, "Honey, I really want to go to my Mom's house for Thanskgiving this year. Let's make a deal: I'll do something you'd like if you'll come with me to Mom's. What can I do for you that will make this a good deal for both of us?" Deals should be fair and be acceptable to both partners. Don't agree to do something you'll resent.<br />
<br />
<b>7. Respond to anger with soothing and compassion.</b> Have you noticed what happens when you respond to anger with anger? That's right, the situation gets even worse and uglier. So, try the opposite. try getting softer, calmer, cuddlier, warmer and offer some compassion. If your spouse is upset and yelling, get quiet and say something like, "You know, I am so sorry, I must have really hurt you....I never want to do that. How can I help you now?"<br />
<br />
<b>8. Take responsibility; promise improvement.</b> Everyone has the right to their feelings, even if you don't agree or think they're seeing it wrong, they have the right to feel what they feel. So instead of trying to talk someone out of their feelings, instead, take responsibility for what you can and promise change. Maybe you disagree with 99% of what your partner is feeling, that's ok...focus on what you do agree with and take responsibility for that piece of it.<br />
<br />
<b>9. Actively try to soothe yourself during a fight.</b> Earlier, I mentioned taking a break and doing something relaxing. Now, let's try to soothe ourselves during the fight without leaving the discussion. What I'd like you to do is tell yourself good things, things that soothe you and make you feel better, while you're in the argument. Think about the loving things your spouse said during your last anniversary dinner, think about the moment you knew you were in love with your spouse, assume your spouse loves you and has good intentions and isn't trying to hurt you. It's hard, I know, but you can do it....practice, practice.<br />
<br />
<b>10. Just listen.</b> Take a break from talking back and just focus on listening. Let the other person vent and when he/she pauses or stops, say, "Ok, I heard you, The most important thing I heard you say was ______. How can I help make that better for you?"<br />
<br />
<b>11. Begin softly, act with compassion.</b> How you start a conversation is typically how you end a conversation. If you start calmly and gently, odds are, you'll end the conversation well. Start with anger and aggression, you'll end up with a hot mess. Assume that everyone does something for a reason. Assume your partner has good intentions. Strive to express empathy and compassion as often as you can in an argument.<br />
<br />
<b>12. Focus on yourself.</b> When we're arguing, we tend to think our partner is being ridiculous and unreasonable and if only they'd change, things would be fine. This really isn't the case. You can't control your partner, but you can completely control yourself. Focus on changing your thoughts, your behavior, your actions, your words...not your spouse's.<br />
<br />
<b>13. Wave a caution flag.</b> Often, when we are fighting, we don't realize that we've pushed someone's buttons and are making them very upset. So, help your partner know when he's triggered you by waving a caution flag, i.e., saying, "Hey, you know, you're really pushing my buttons. If you want this to be productive, I need you to not do that....."<br />
<br />
<b>14. Throw in "ice cubes."</b> When the argument is getting heated, cool it down with a few "ice cubes." Ice cubes are just a few words of love, some praise or a compliment. For example, you might say, "Honey, I really do love you. We'll figure it out." Everyone responds well to genuine emotion; toss a loving ice cube into the conversation and watch it work wonders.<br />
<br />
<b>15. Get deep.</b> A little secret for you: what we fight about is almost never what we're fighting about. We fight about the toothpaste, but what we're really fighting for is what the toothpaste means to us. Next time you're arguing, try asking your spouse, "Help me understand, what's really behind this for you? What does this really mean to you?" You'll be surprised by the answers! You'll learn that your leaving the toothpaste on the counter really tells your spouse that you don't care about how hard she works to keep things looking nice and clean and that you take her for granted. Going deep and asking "What does this really mean?" gets you some very interesting information.Dr. Kathy Nickersonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14489146425960922092noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4196672001311955009.post-44434240282191653932013-06-18T22:54:00.000-07:002013-06-18T22:54:06.048-07:00Speaking The Language of Love: Finding Your Love LanguageIn his groundbreaking book, The Five Love Languages, Dr. Gary Chapman
defines five different love styles. Each style is the way someone likes
to be loved and feels most appreciated. Learning your own love style,
as well as that of your partner, is the best way to love and be loved.
It’s quite likely that your love style and your partner’s love style
will be different. If so, you may need to do a little work and practice
acting in the way your partner wants to be loved. Then do a little
education—determine your love style and ask for your spouse to do more
of what makes you feel truly valued. If you do both of these things,
you’re bound to see and feel more love in your everyday life.<br />
<br />
<b>Chapman’s Five Emotional Love Languages:</b>
<br /><br />
<b>Words of Affirmation</b><br />
People who value verbal compliments, such as “Wow, you look beautiful in
that dress,” and those who desire encouragement are Words of
Affirmation types. Loving comments and statements of appreciation, like
“You’re an incredible photographer, thank you so much for these
pictures!” are what this type craves most.<br />
<br />
<b>Quality Time</b>
Spouses who are Quality Time types would like to spend alone time
together, focusing only on each other (i.e., not on the football game on
TV), while sharing inner feelings, thoughts, and emotions. People who
treasure conversation about hopes and dreams while sharing a drink at a
local coffee shop are most likely Quality Time types.<br />
<br />
<b>Gifts</b>
Most of us love to receive gifts, but this alone does not make
someone a Gift type. Gift types look for visual signs of love, such that
any gift—big or small, expensive or casual—is likely to be saved,
treasured and adored. People of this type often feel that a lack of
gifts reflects a lack of love from their spouse.<br />
<br />
<b>Acts of Service</b>
Partners who are Acts of Service types feel loved when their spouse
does little, everyday things, such as taking out the trash, paying
household bills, picking the kids up from soccer practice, and the like.
In order to feel loved, an Acts of Service type would like to see their
partner go out of their way to care for them: to put in the planning,
time, effort, and energy to make daily life a bit easier.<br />
<br />
<b>Physical Touch</b>
Physical Touch types are perhaps the easiest types to spot. These
partners thrive on physical contact and crave all of the hugs, kisses,
and physical attention you can bestow upon them. People of this type are
most want to be in close physical proximity to their partner and want
to be touched or held with some frequency.<br />
<br />
Determining Your Style<br />
<br />
Answer these questions to determine your love style:<br />
1. How do you show your love to others?<br />
2. Think back to the moments when you felt most loved, what made them so memorable?<br />
3. What do you really wish your partner knew about how to do things differently?<br />
4. What do you complain about most often?<br />
5. What do you save, keep, treasure, or hold on to most?<br />
<br />
From your answers, look for a pattern: do you value physical closeness most? If so, your love style is<br />
likely the physical touch style. Do you crave more alone time? If so, your love style is probably the<br />
quality time style. Do you secretly desire a new wedding band for Valentine’s day? Perhaps you are<br />
the gift style type.<br />
<br />
Determining Your Partner’s Style<br />
<br />
To determine your partner’s love style, which one of these statements would your spouse most agree with?<br />
<br />
1. I feel most loved when my partner expresses feelings for me through physical contact, such as a hug or kiss.<br />
2. I feel most loved when my partner shows affection by taking care of errands, doing household chores, and doing favors for me.<br />
3. I feel most loved when my spouse brings me a very special gift.<br />
4. I feel most loved when my partner pays attention to me, focuses on what I am saying, and plans to spend alone time with me.<br />
5. I feel most loved when my partner tells me how grateful they are for
me and talks about how much all the little things I do are appreciated.<br />
<br />
Statement 5 = Words of Affirmation style<br />
Statement 4 = Quality Time style<br />
Statement 3 = Gift style<br />
Statement 2 = Acts of Service style<br />
Statement 1 = Physical Touch style<br />
Speaking Your Partner’s Love Language<br />
<br />
After identifying your love style and your partner’s love style, communicate what you’ve learned in<br />
their love style. If you’re married to a Words of affirmation type, tell
them “I am so lucky to be married to you, you’re the most caring man in
the world.” Then go on to tell your partner what you’ve learned and how
you think it could help you both, make sure to tell them about your
love style and how you’d really like to be loved. If you partner is a
Quality Time type, invite them for a romantic dinner and share your new
knowledge. Perhaps you’re dating a Gift type? If so, write a loving
statement inside a silver fortune cookie and present this gift along
with a copy of The Five Love Languages.<br />
<br />
By learning your love language and actively communicating in the love
style of your partner, you’ll experience a deeper connection than you
ever thought possible. Having this knowledge and<br />
practicing it daily will be a Valentine’s gift that gets better every year!<br />
<br />
<i>The Five Love Languages, How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate by Dr. Gary Chapman is available online at <a href="http://www.thefivelovelanguages.com/">www.thefivelovelanguages.com</a> and at bookstores everywhere.</i>Dr. Kathy Nickersonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14489146425960922092noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4196672001311955009.post-33906902918109508542013-06-18T22:46:00.001-07:002013-06-18T22:48:05.532-07:00Should I stay or should I go?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjvv33pkwknRtEq1TiPe3i0U01Y1f2cQ7xNsWRdghtPdzVNjqWg1nXEAgVu8KpcZOgRFo0BaMkDOfXFzzU370rn2Nva1WGqPQ3xWk7WaPARKwRneRNjgUy8FxY_M-GHj-p3tlgKHP2m5FFo/s1600/stay_or_go.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="176" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjvv33pkwknRtEq1TiPe3i0U01Y1f2cQ7xNsWRdghtPdzVNjqWg1nXEAgVu8KpcZOgRFo0BaMkDOfXFzzU370rn2Nva1WGqPQ3xWk7WaPARKwRneRNjgUy8FxY_M-GHj-p3tlgKHP2m5FFo/s200/stay_or_go.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
</div>
Many people have come in lately asking me if their relationship can
be saved. They report that their relationship has been bad for years,
that they’re pretty sure they want to leave, and they want to know if I
think they should get a divorce.<br />
<br />
So here’s where I have to admit some bias….I am always on the side of marriages staying together.<br />
<br />
However, here’s what I would say to someone wondering if they should stay or leave their marriage:<br />
<br />
I’d always encourage you to act in ways that make you feel good about
yourself and your life. If this relationship has reached a point where
it can no longer be saved, that’s a decision for you to make. I always
believe there is hope and that any marriage can be made better, but as
to whether or not we should keep trying, that’s something I cannot tell
you. Any decision needs to be yours because you know yourself and your
feelings better than I ever will. I am always on the side of trying to
make things work, but if you do not feel that’s in your best interest or
that it can work, I will certainly understand and support you. You
deserve to be happy and to be in a relationship that brings you joy.<br />
<br />
Here are some questions to ask yourself and to think about:<br />
-Can you say that you have done all you can to make this work? <br />
-Have you taken responsibility for the things you have done that have caused the relationship to be in this state?<br />
-Is anyone else a factor in this relationship?<br />
-Do you have realistic expectations of what things would be like if you left?<br />
-Can you feel comfortable looking at your kids 5-10 years from now explaining the decision you might make?<br />
<br />
Your answers to these will be so telling….<br />
<br />
It would be easy for me to tell you to stay or go, but in so doing, I
am “playing God” – I can’t know what’s right for you, I can only say
that I trust that you to know what’s right for you, that you have the
answer inside of you, and that the best I can do is help bring that
answer to the surface.<br />
<br />
But to run with it a little more – how would you feel if I told you to throw in the towel? If you're answer is "Phew, I'd be relieved," then that may tell you that you've been trying for a long time and it's time to consider a change. Act in ways that make you feel good, honest, genuine, and true to yourself.<br />
<br />
If I can help you, feel free to drop me a line.<br />
<br />
All my best,<br />
Dr Kathy<br />
<br />
<i>Dr Kathy Nickerson is an expert marriage counselor in Orange County,
California. Her practice focuses on preventing divorce, helping
marriages thrive, improving communication in couples, and affair
recovery. You can learn more at <a href="http://www.drkathynickerson.com/">www.DrKathyNickerson.com</a>. </i>Dr. Kathy Nickersonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14489146425960922092noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4196672001311955009.post-49431213900079051882013-05-27T11:09:00.001-07:002013-05-27T11:09:18.418-07:00When you don't know what to do, choose the path with fewest regrets<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://www.healthynd.org/images/woman_yellow.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="212" src="http://www.healthynd.org/images/woman_yellow.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
I had a nice visit from an longtime client the other day; it was great to catch up. She detailed the challenges she is facing now, lots of complicated factors and issues. As we talked, she eventually asked me, "Ok, so what should I do?" Turns out, this is one of the harder questions to answer in therapy.<br />
<br />
I really believe that the best therapists help you make the decision that's right for you, instead of making the decision for you. It's your life, you should always be empowered to make your own choices. It's easy for me to give you my answer, but much better for me to help you make your own.<br />
<br />
What I ultimately told her was that in a situation where you don't know what to do, where both choices seem bad or complicated, choose the one with the fewest regrets. None of us can know exactly how a situation will play out in the future, but I believe that you'll feel best if you can stand back in the future and look at the outcome and say, "I did everything I possibly could to make this work."<br />
<br />
I hope this helps you make the choices you're struggling with. We should all be so lucky to lead a life with few regrets.<br />
<br />
Warmly,<br />
Dr KathyDr. Kathy Nickersonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14489146425960922092noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4196672001311955009.post-41320563291464282522013-05-06T21:42:00.002-07:002013-05-06T21:42:56.244-07:00How You Can Spot An Abductor<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<b>How You Can Spot An Abductor</b><br />
<i>What you can do to recognize child predators like Ariel Castro, the man who held Amanda Berry, Gina De Jesus, and Michelle Knight captive for over 10 years in Cleveland, Ohio.</i><br />
<br />
Today's great news is that Amanda Berry, Gina De Jesus, and Michelle Knight have been rescued. I'm thrilled to hear this; I wish all of these brave, strong, triumphant women a full and speedy recovery.<br />
<br />
As we listen to the details of this case unfold, one of the most significant questions we can ask is how we can prevent this? And further, how we can recognize and report suspicions of abductions?<br />
<br />
It's hard to create a specific psychological profile for people who kidnap and abuse children. The group of people who commit this type of crime is diverse; they do so for a variety of reasons. Given this, one of the best things we can do is be look-outs. We can all be on the watch for certain behaviors that may suggest someone is an abductor.<br />
<br />
Amanda, Gina, and Michelle were all rescued because one man decided to pay attention to something he saw and act on it. I'd like to encourage you to do the same. Be a look-out and if you know someone exhibiting many of the behaviors below, call law enforcement and make a report. Many people don't report suspicious behavior because they're afraid of falsely accusing an innocent person. I understand this, but I really think it's better to be wrong and slightly embarrassed than to be right and not have saved a child. <br />
<br />
<b> Characteristics associated with abductors:</b><br />
<br />
<b>1. Selfish, self-centered behavior</b>. An abductor will feel like he has the right to have what he wants, when he wants it. This may not manifest itself in every situation, but I would expect to see an abductor display poor impulse control at times and act out in ways we'd categorize as inappropriately selfish.<br />
<br />
<b>2. Feelings of entitlement</b>. An abductor will display narcissistic tendencies, where they act in ways that take advantage of other people and put themselves at the center of attention. They will also feel entitled to having their way, putting themselves in advantageous situations or having an exaggerated sense of self-importance.<br />
<br />
<b>3. Craves control, power, and significance.</b> Almost all abusers want to be in control and thrive off of dominating someone else. Abductors crave this control and power over someone else; possibly because they feel emotionally safe by keeping another person in an inferior position, possibly because they get some psychological satisfaction from demeaning someone else. Interestingly, abductors often crave significance. We see this in the Amanda Berry case; Ariel Castro wrote in to the local paper about her abduction and how it had changed the neighborhood. Abductors want to be seen as rare, valuable, experts.<br />
<br />
<b>4. Lack of empathy.</b> The most significant sign to look for when trying to recognize someone who could be an abuser or abductor is a lack of empathy. Empathy is the ability to imagine and relate to what someone else is feeling. Abusers either cannot recognize the emotions of another person or they do not care. In some sad cases, abusers and abductors can recognize the emotions of another, but enjoy tormenting their victims. People who lack empathy seem unaware when they are hurting others, cannot/do not relate to fear and worry felt by others, and they do not feel compelled to help someone who is suffering. Many abusers begin to show lack of empathy as young children, when they hurt other children or animals and feel little to no remorse.<br />
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<b>5. Inappropriate secrecy or boundaries.</b> A person who has something to hide will often maintain rigid rules, have an excessive need for secrecy, or hold firm boundaries that don't seem to make sense. If you're a neighbor, I'd be suspicious if you encounter someone who will never let you in their house (even if it's an urgent situation, like you're locked out of your place and need to use the phone). I'd also be suspicious if your neighbor has rules that seem excessive, like "We don't go in the garage, no one is allowed in the garage." I'd also worry if you see what seems like extreme physical boundaries, such as excessive gating or locks around a section of their yard. These boundaries might also be hard and fast rules that your neighbor insists on following: like being home at a particular time, only opening 1 window at a time, or anything else that seems odd.<br />
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There is a mountain of research on what factors contribute to and characterize an abuser/abductor and if you'd like to know more, I suggest this article: http://ripleeforensicpsych.umwblogs.org/2011/12/15/child-abduction-a-theory-of-criminal-behavior/ <br />
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I certainly hope that you will never be in a situation where you need to make a report of suspected abuse or abduction, but if you are, please do. Much better to be right and a little embarrassed, than wrong and miss out on saving a life.<br />
<br />
-Dr Kathy<br />
<br />
Dr Kathy Nickerson is an expert marriage counselor in Orange County,
California. Her practice focuses on preventing divorce, helping
marriages thrive, improving communication in couples, and affair
recovery. You can learn more at <a href="http://www.drkathynickerson.com/">www.DrKathyNickerson.com</a>.
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<br />Dr. Kathy Nickersonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14489146425960922092noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4196672001311955009.post-3223900385208062002013-04-28T12:07:00.000-07:002013-04-28T12:07:27.490-07:00<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<b>What To Do NOW If Your Spouse Just Found Out About Your Affair</b><br />
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If your wife or husband just found out about your affair, I'm so sorry for both of you. Your spouse is now in a world of shock and pain, you are probably in a world of regret and shame. A terrible spot for each of you, I truly understand.<br />
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What you do right away can make a tremendous difference in how quickly the two of you heal from this trauma. I'd like to give you some suggestions on how you can immediately make it better and encourage you to do as much of the following as you can.<br />
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<b>DURING THE INITIAL CONVERSATION OR IMMEDIATELY AFTER YOUR SPOUSE HAS FOUND OUT:</b><br />
<br />
1. Offer to talk, but don't push.<br />
Your spouse may or may not want to talk. Don't push, allow them to do what feels right to them. If they want to yell and scream, that is ok, but hitting and any physical violence is not. If physical violence is happening, tell your spouse that you want to help, but can't be in a dangerous place, so you will be going out for a little while and will be back in a couple of hours. If necessary, take any children or pets with you. Physical violence like this is not the norm, but just in case, I want to make sure you know what to do.<br />
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2. Be very soft, gentle and apologetic.<br />
Focus on listening and let your spouse vent their frustration, anger, and hurt. Where you can, be soft, apologetic, genuine, and empathetic. Say things like, "I can only imagine how hurt you are," or "It makes sense that you'd feel that way." Your spouse is craving validation and support, give that to them. Now is not the time to explain why you did what you did or what it meant to you. It's all about your spouse at first.<br />
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3. Take frequent breaks, but don't leave.<br />
If things are getting very heated, ask for a break, but don't leave the house. Leaving sends the message that when the going gets tough, you get going. Your spouse needs to know that's not what you will do, they need to know you're going to stay with them, even when it's hard.<br />
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<b>DURING THE NEXT COUPLE OF DAYS:</b><br />
<br />
4. Become as transparent as possible.<br />
Once the initial shock has passed, you can start to offer more information to your spouse. I'd like you to become an open book, where you become as transparent as you possibly can. Share your email, your passwords, your facebook account, twitter, linked in, your phone, anything and everything you use to communicate. This may seem like an invasion of privacy, and candidly, it is. If you acted in a way that broke the trust in the relationship, you must take some drastic steps to show that there are no more secrets and that you're willing to do whatever it takes to be trusted again.<br />
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5. Encourage questions.<br />
Encourage your spouse to sit down and write out as many questions as they have for you. Some people want to know every detail of the affair, some want less detail. Please let your spouse ask you every question they have. Answer those questions as painfully honestly as you can. Holding anything back will create major problems in the future. You may think you're protecting your spouse by sparing a painful detail, but what usually happens is that the truth will come out later and your spouse will assign tremendous value to the details, so please, don't skip or whitewash anything. If you don't know, it's ok to say you don't know, but do try to offer a rough idea. If the conversation is getting too hard or too much, ask for a break and agree on a time when you'll come back and continue.<br />
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6. Be friendly and kind, but not over the top.<br />
Sometimes we have the instinct to go over the top and start sending flowers, candy, new cars and other goodies to the loved one after the affair. In my experience, this usually creates more hurt, so resist doing this. Your spouse is likely to think, "Oh great, you didn't think to send me flowers while you were hooking up with that woman from the office, but now you can think of me...you're a jerk!" So really, resist. Much better to be "normal," be kind and friendly and offer to help, but nothing over the top. Make yourself available to listen and talk whenever your spouse wants to.<br />
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<b>AS TIME GOES ON:</b><br />
<br />
7. Recognize that healing is a process, not an event.<br />
It takes most couples about 9 months to heal from an affair. This is an average, not a hard rule. Some couples take longer, some shorter. How you responded in the beginning will usually determine how quickly you heal. The healing process is much like the grieving process after someone has died, so try to keep supporting your spouse and empathizing with their feelings.<br />
<br />
8. Think about the why question.<br />
The thing that most spouses really want to know after an affair is why you did it. I'd like you to really dig deep and think about this. Your initial answer is not going to be the most complete one, so please let yourself contemplate why for a while. Ask yourself how you felt before the affair, what the affair meant to you, what you got out of it, what you were missing, and what you feel now. Talk about this when your spouse asks.<br />
<br />
9. Don't be defensive or justify it.<br />
One of the worst things you can do at any point is to say, "Well, I had the affair because you were such a b**ch and you completely ignored me for years." Even if this is partially true, it's the wrong thing to say. You need to take responsibility for your choice: you had an affair and that was wrong. Your spouse might have done some wrong things to, but you should focus on you. At some point in your conversations, you can say, "I remember feeling really lonely and unimportant. It got so bad that I was just craving any attention and I was vulnerable that night and I gave in to a moment where I thought I could feel better. That was the wrong choice; I should have found a way to talk about it and get you to understand how bad it was for me."<br />
<br />
10. Get some further help.<br />
I'd love for you and your spouse to work with someone like me to guide you through the healing process. If that's not possible, I highly recommend Dr. John Gottman's book - What Makes Love Last and Janis Spring's book - After The Affair. Both are excellent and offer practical advice to help you heal.<br />
<br />
Finally, let me reassure you: you can heal your relationship after an affair. Affairs are quite common and nearly every couple that I've taken care of in a situation like yours has stayed together and built a stronger marriage. I think you can too and if I can help you, just give me a call.<br />
<br />
Wishing you the best!<br />
Dr Kathy<br />
<br />
Dr Kathy Nickerson is an expert marriage counselor in Orange County,
California. Her practice focuses on preventing divorce, helping
marriages thrive, improving communication in couples, and affair
recovery. You can learn more at <a href="http://www.drkathynickerson.com/">www.DrKathyNickerson.com</a>.
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Dr. Kathy Nickersonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14489146425960922092noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4196672001311955009.post-12510345640565753052013-04-22T10:18:00.002-07:002013-04-22T10:20:25.517-07:00<br />
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<b>Want To Improve Your Marriage? Make Small Changes, Often.</b><br />
<b> </b> <br />
Many of the couples who come to my office want to "fix" their relationship and report that they have "a lot of work to do." Wonderful, I say! But what I also say is: the secret to truly changing anything in our lives is to make small changes often, not one huge sweeping change.<br />
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Think about it like this: have you ever tried to go on a really restrictive diet? One where you had to stop eating everything you love? Ok, remember that feeling of deprivation and misery? That's how making giant changes all at once feels: foreign and painful. We never want relationship repair to feel that way. Rather, we want to make little changes, one at a time, that will add up to a big change overall.<br />
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I look at the process of healing a relationship like a ladder. Imagine yourself starting near the bottom, then conceptualize what is on the next step. Focus on doing something small to get the two of you to the next step. Once you've mastered that, then focus on the next step. And so on.<br />
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Often it's hard to know what that first step should be. To determine that, I'd suggest asking your spouse this: what's one thing I can do to make you feel calmer, safer or better about us? If the answer is vague, ask for specifics. Then try that one thing; truly, doing one small thing often can add up to a lot of improvement in the long run!<br />
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I wish you well!<br />
<br />
-Dr Kathy<br />
<br />
<br />
Dr Kathy Nickerson is an expert marriage counselor in Orange County, California. Her practice focuses on preventing divorce, helping marriages thrive, improving communication in couples, and affair recovery. You can learn more at <a href="http://www.drkathynickerson.com/">www.DrKathyNickerson.com</a>.Dr. Kathy Nickersonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14489146425960922092noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4196672001311955009.post-28323946140612578392013-04-15T20:15:00.000-07:002013-04-15T20:15:05.622-07:00<br />
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<b>Fake it 'til you make it: Good advice or bad strategy?</b><br />
<br />
For a long time, therapists have encouraged clients to just hang in there and fake their feelings or mood until that mood actually started to manifest itself. This is not terrible advice, especially when it comes to anxiety or depression treatment, if you're feeling down and have no desire to go out and spend time with friends, it is a good idea to push yourself to get out and pretend that you're having a good time. Truth is, if you do this enough, your depression will usually start to get better and you won't be faking enjoyment very long.<br />
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However, when it comes to relationship problems, faking it can be very problematic. When we force ourselves to fake a feeling, especially love or admiration, we often become very resentful. It's very hard to lie to yourself and make something that bothers you seem ok.<br />
<br />
A classic example of this is trying to fake loving feelings when your spouse has had an affair. If one were to pretend that everything was fine and just go ahead and fake good feelings throughout the day, hurt would quickly turn into anger and anger would turn into deep resentment. The bottom line is that you can't lie to yourself and just fake it when you're really hurt. You have to be honest with yourself and try to work through those feelings.<br />
<br />
Instead of trying to fake it, try to talk about it and find a way to normalize it. Let's say that you're feeling like your spouse is a bad, gross, vulgar, awful person because you found out they've been cheating. This is a really normal initial thought. Don't like to yourself and say, "Oh well, it's no big deal." It is a big deal. Instead, try to turn down the intensity of the thought by looking at the behaviors in a less critical way. You could think, "Ok, he had an affair. That behavior is totally wrong and not acceptable. That behavior was wrong, that choice was wrong and I don't like that he did it, but he as a person is not completely horrible."<br />
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If you can find a way to be honest yet gentle with yourself and try to find a way to think about things that makes them more acceptable, you'll do far better than trying to fake anything.<br />
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I'd love to hear how this strategy works for you. Please feel free to drop me a note. :)<br />
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Warmly,<br />
Dr Kathy<br />
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<br />Dr. Kathy Nickersonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14489146425960922092noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4196672001311955009.post-91884198760167136502013-04-09T15:16:00.002-07:002013-04-09T15:16:33.920-07:00<b>Words That Hurt: "Just get over it already!"</b><br />
<br />
When we think about words that hurt people, we often think of very harsh or critical comments. While such comments are indeed hurtful, some of the most damaging remarks are often the most innocuous. One example of these subtle, but deadly, phrases is: Just get over it!<br />
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The truth is that if someone is having trouble getting over something, there is a reason. Telling them to get over it already or to hurry up and let it go basically tells them that you are tired of listening to them and their feelings don't really matter to you. Not good!<br />
<br />
Instead, validate their feelings and ask what they need to feel better. You might say something like, "Honey, I see how upset you are about this and I understand. It makes sense to me that you feel _________. What can I do to help make this better for you?"<br />
<br />
Experiment with this technique and let me know how it works for you. I'd love to hear about your success!<br />
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-Dr KathyDr. Kathy Nickersonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14489146425960922092noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4196672001311955009.post-5665456007710111592013-04-04T23:42:00.000-07:002013-04-04T23:42:03.958-07:00<b>When it comes to relationships, is good the enemy of great?</b><br />
<br />
A few years ago, a wise client said to me, "Kathy, you know, maybe it's time I just let this relationship go. Good is the enemy of great, after all." I recall saying that I didn't agree, that I thought good could be made into great. We tried, for a long time, to transform his relationship from good to great and ultimately, he decided it just wasn't good enough. Since that time, I've thought about this sentiment - good being the enemy of great - many times and I've concluded, it is true.<br />
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Good is not bad, but let's be honest, good isn't great. What makes good the enemy of great is that good is usually just good enough to keep us from taking the action we know we need to take. Good keeps us satisfied, but not thrilled. Good keeps us content, but not elated. Good keeps us coasting, but not soaring. So good is really not bad, but it isn't nearly great.<br />
<br />
So maybe you're asking: Should we always expect great? Is great even realistic in a relationship? Yes, great is realistic and something we should expect, just not in every aspect of our relationships. If I was asked to rate my marriage, would I say it's perfect in every way? No, it's not, and that's OK because it is great in the ways that matter to me the most. We shouldn't strive for perfection, rather we should strive to make the good as great as we can and to realize that expecting some greatness in a relationship is appropriate.<br />
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What do you think? Do you ever find yourself settling for good? How do you know when it is good enough?<br />
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I look forward to reading your thoughts.<br />
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-Dr KathyDr. Kathy Nickersonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14489146425960922092noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4196672001311955009.post-76373623167973144242011-09-23T23:31:00.001-07:002013-04-23T21:03:20.276-07:00Dr Kathy's Rules for Fighting Fair<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"> <b>Dr Kathy's Rules for Fighting Fair </b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Through the years, I've spent a lot of time refining the do's and don'ts of good communication. This list has affectionately become know as my rules for fighting fair. The idea is that we should strive to do as much as we can on the <b>do</b> list, while minimizing the things we do on the <b>don't </b>list. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">If you're working on your relationship, pick just one task from the list below to focus on for a week. Pay attention to how making that change affects the rest of your relationship. If it makes an improvement, even a small one, keep doing that task and add another one when you feel ready. Ultimately, the secret to changing your relationship is to make small changes often and keep doing the things that make the relationship better.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<u><b><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">DO:</span></b></u><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">• Soften up<br />• Be gentle and kind<br />• Reassure your partner<br />• Be empathetic and compassionate<br />• Take responsibility for what you can<br />• Ask for what you need to feel better<br />• Complain without blaming the other person<br />• Try to see the other person's perspective<br />• Focus on feelings<br />• Stay with the here and now<br />• Take breaks<br />• Try to find a solution<br />• Try to help your partner feel better<br />• Say loving things, like compliments or praise or concessions, during a fight<br />• Stop when you feel like you're losing self-control <br /> </span><br />
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<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<u><b><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">DON'T</span></b></u><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">• Attack<br />• Insult<br />• Blame<br />• Judge or label<br />• Withdraw<br />• Criticize<br />• Call names<br />• Be defensive<br />• Use profanity<br />• Call the other "crazy"<br />• Assassinate character<br />• Play games<br />• Make threats<br />• Yell, throw or hit<br />• Give ultimatums<br />• Threaten divorce<br />• Bring up every problem or fight you've ever had<br />• Give silent treatment<br />• Bring in other people or their opinions<br />• Walk away without saying you'll be back later</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Read more on my website: www.drkathynickerson.com</span><br />
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</span><br /><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"></span></span></td></tr>
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<b><span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"></span></span></b>Dr. Kathy Nickersonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14489146425960922092noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4196672001311955009.post-56633091226000664022011-09-19T22:06:00.000-07:002011-09-19T22:51:45.566-07:00Preparing for a 730 Child Custody EvaluationIf you're reading this, chances are that you are currently going through a divorce and either you or your spouse has requested a 730 evaluation. I am so sorry; few things are more stressful than a divorce and few things are more worrisome than a child custody evaluation. But hang in there! You can prepare and you can present yourself well during your 730 evaluation.<br />
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First things first, let's talk about what a 730 child custody evaluation is.<br />
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A 730 evaluation is a court ordered review of the parenting practices and behaviors of two parents, with the intent of determining the best custody arrangement for the children. In this process, a licensed therapist (which could be a psychologist, <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">MFT</span>, or social worker) will meet with you and your spouse, separately, and will interview you both about your parenting practices, your parenting beliefs, your relationship with your kids, your work life, your personal life, your thoughts and your feelings. With your permission, the evaluator will also meet with your kids and will talk to other adults, such as your kids' teachers, your babysitter, your boss, and anyone else you'd like, to find evidence to corroborate the information you provide. The role of the 730 evaluator is to make a recommendation to the family law court about where your kids should live and how you and your spouse will share custody of the kids. The goal of the 730 evaluator is always to make a recommendation in the best interests of the children.<br />
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Now, let's talk about how to behave in a 730 child custody evaluation. I am happy to provide you with my thoughts and ideas about how best to proceed with an evaluation, but before you implement <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">any</span> of these suggestions, please discuss them with your attorney and your therapist. Remember, I am not an attorney and I don't know anything about your case, so you need to chat with your legal team to make sure they give you the personal guidance you need.<br />
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<b>1. Treat the evaluator with respect.</b><br />
The evaluator is a professional, who has gone through years of training, and deserves your respect. I know that you're not excited about this process, that it probably seems a little unfair, and that it's expensive, but the last person you want to vent your frustration to is the evaluator. The evaluator may only see you one time and will base their opinion of you on this one meeting, so don't blow it by being <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">disrespectful</span>.<br />
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<b>2. Be on time, dress appropriately, don't be jerky.</b><br />
How we act says a lot about our feelings and our attitudes. Make sure to arrive to your appointment on time, dressed in clean, professional attire, and be polite. If you arrive late, the evaluator might conclude that if you're <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">ok</span> with being late for the 730 meeting, that you will think nothing of being late to pick up your child from school. Please don't sabotage your evaluation by showing up in dirty jeans, ripped t-shirt, messy hair, and <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">unbrushed</span> teeth. Again, the evaluator will likely assume that you're trying to present him/her your best image and if what you show is a messy image, the evaluator will really worry. Also, be polite and friendly to the evaluator; they are not your enemy.<br />
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<b>3. Realize that the evaluator is NOT your therapist. </b><br />
Although the <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">evaluator</span> is a therapist, it's really important that you realize the evaluator is not YOUR therapist. The evaluator's job is to critically analyze you and your behaviors to make a recommendation to the court about your parenting ability. The evaluator really works for the court, so be mindful of the information you share with the evaluator. I am not saying that you should lie to the <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">evaluator</span> or withhold information, but I do think you should think about how you're coming across. For example, you might be thinking, "God, I hate this process, sometimes I'd rather just move to China then put up with this one more day!" You could say this to your own therapist and your own therapist would understand that it was a fleeting thought. But a court appointed evaluator is going to take this remark very seriously and will be very concerned about it. So choose your words, your expressions, and your stories carefully.<br />
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<b>4. Keep it about the kids</b>.<br />
One of the most tempting things to do in a 730 evaluation is to go in and tell the evaluator what a terrible, miserable, horrible person your spouse is and how they're a lousy parent. Don't do this. This makes you look terrible and will probably negatively bias the evaluator against you. Instead, talk about the things you do with the kids, why you think those things are important, and what your plans are for the kids when they're in your care. A smart evaluator will be able to compare and contrast your plans with your spouse's plans and if your spouse is a terrible person, that will probably come out in the evaluation. However, you can share critical information with the evaluator if there is a police or legal record to support your report. If your spouse has a history of drunk driving, domestic violence, substantiated child abuse, or other criminal activity, then you should mention this to the evaluator.<br />
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<b>5. Provide lots of evidence and data</b>.<br />
Since the evaluator is making a recommendation to the court, he must provide evidence to support his recommendation. The more evidence and data you can provide to support your perspective and ideas, the better. Review everything and anything you want to share with the evaluator with your attorney before you have your meeting with the evaluator.<br />
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<b>6. Connect the evaluator to others who can support your report.</b><br />
Be sure to provide the evaluator with a list of people that he can call to learn more about you and your parenting practices. Teachers, babysitters, neighbors, and others who have seen you in a parenting role, but who are not your family members, are especially important. We all assume that your family loves you and will back you up no matter what, so they tend to be viewed as biased sources of information. Your child's teacher is not likely to be as biased, so this is a great person to have the evaluator talk to. Just like with a job interview, before listing anyone as a reference, ask them if they are comfortable being that reference for you and if they'd have any concerns providing you a good recommendation. If they don't think they can give you a good recommendation, I would not list them as a reference.<br />
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<b>7. Share testing results with caution.</b><br />
If your therapist has done any psychological testing on you, you may want to share these results with the evaluator. Before you decide to share these results, talk to your therapist about any negative aspects of the testing. You may be within normal ranges on all but one "scale" and depending on what that scale is, you may not want to share the results. Also, when you share things with the evaluator, the information may become part of the court record. I am pretty sure that you testing results will not become public information, but there is a chance that part of the results could be included in the 730 report and that the report can be viewed and obtained by others. Before releasing anything, check with your attorney about how this information might be used in the future.<br />
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<b>8. Don't make yourself out to be perfect.</b><br />
As therapists, we mostly believe in the golden rule: if it looks too good to be true, it's probably not true. So be mindful of this when you go into your evaluation. If you present yourself as the perfect parent, the evaluator is likely to wonder what's really true. A better plan is to go in and be honest about your strengths and your weaknesses, but handle weaknesses the same way you would at a job interview. For example, let's say that your parenting "weakness" is that you're inconsistent with discipline and rules. Don't say, "Yeah, I really don't like rules, so sometimes I just don't make the kids brush their teeth." Do say, "I am still learning how to be more consistent because I know that kids thrive on schedules and routines."<br />
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<b>9. Don't be defensive.</b><br />
I've heard that some evaluators will try to provoke their subjects because they want to see how they handle stress and being agitated. I think this is a really inappropriate thing to do, but since it might happen to you, I want you to be prepared. If the therapist says something upsetting, like, "So I hear you have a bad temper and your ex-wife is concerned that you discipline your kids too harshly," don't get defensive and start yelling and attacking. Do say, "<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_8">Hmmn</span>, it's hard for me to understand why she would say that. I love my kids, I would never hurt them." This is just an example, but hopefully it conveys the idea that no matter what allegation is made, you should try to stay calm and explain your honest perspective of the matter.<br />
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<b>10. Do your research - pick a good evaluator.</b><br />
Ideally, your attorney is experienced with 730 evaluations and can guide you towards choosing an evaluator who will be fair and impartial to you. However, some attorneys do not have <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_9">tremendous</span> experience with these hearings and may not know much about the different evaluators. If this is the case for you, the best thing to do is to go online and review and research different 730 evaluators. The court typically provides you and your attorney a list of approved evaluators. Please research every therapist on the list and share your research with your attorney. Instead of focusing on trying to find the very best one for you, try to come up with a list of the ones you absolutely do not want to see. As you and your spouse must agree on the evaluator, it's likely you won't get the exact evaluator you want, but it's probable that you can get the one you don't want excluded from consideration.<br />
<div><br />
</div><div>I hope this list will help you prepare for your 730 evaluation interview. Please remember to discuss these ideas with your attorney and therapist before your meeting with the evaluator. If you'd like, please feel free to email me any specific questions you have. I wish you all the best!</div><div><br />
</div><div>-Dr Kathy Nickerson</div><div><br />
</div>Dr. Kathy Nickersonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14489146425960922092noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4196672001311955009.post-4118095555000603022011-01-21T22:33:00.000-08:002011-01-21T22:40:44.688-08:00The Fight Recovery Guide for CouplesIf you've recently had a knock-down-drag-out argument with your spouse, I am very sorry. Fighting is exhausting and extremely stressful.<br /> <br />I believe you can make it better and will recover from this bad fight, but there are two things you need to do: (1) think about what happened and why, and (2) have a talk about what happened and work towards healing from it.<br /> <br />To do both of these things, I'd like for you each to spend some time thinking about the questions below, do this on your own. Once you have your answers, make a "date" with your spouse to discuss your responses together. <br /><br />If things get heated again, take a break and calm yourself down. Working through this issue is stressful for you both! Calm yourself and do anything you can to help soothe your partner. You will get through this.<br /><br /><strong>1. Summarize your experience of the fight.</strong> How are you feeling about what happened? What are your thoughts and feelings about the fight?<br /> <br /><strong>2. Share your subjective reality.</strong> Summarize your own personal reality about the disagreement. What was the reality or "the truth" for you?<br /><br /><strong>3. Find something in your partner’s story that you can understand.</strong> Now, try and see how your partner’s subjective reality might make sense, given your partner’s perspective. Tell your partner about one piece of his or her reality that makes sense to you.<br /><br /><strong>4. Are you emotionally flooded or too upset to talk?</strong> If you're really upset - a level 8 or more on a scale of 1-10 - then take a break and self-soothe before continuing.<br /><br /><strong>5. Admit your own role.</strong> It is essential that each of you takes some responsibility for what happened. See if anything from the list below applies to your situation.<br /><em>1. I have been very stressed and irritable lately.<br />2. I have not expressed much appreciation towards my partner lately.<br />3. I have taken my partner for granted.<br />4. I have been overly sensitive lately.<br />5. I have been overly critical lately.<br />6. I have not shared very much of my inner world.<br />7. I have not been emotionally available.<br />8. I have been turning away from my partner.<br />9. I have been getting easily upset.<br />10. I have been depressed lately.<br />11. I would say that I have a chip on my shoulder lately.<br />12. I have not been very affectionate.<br />13. I have not made time for good things between us.<br />14. I have not been a very good listener.<br />15. I have not been asking for what I need.<br />16. I have been feeling a bit like a martyr.<br />17. I have needed to be alone.<br />18. I have not wanted to take care of anybody.</em><br /><br />Overall, my contribution to this fight was:____________________________________.<br /><br /><strong>6. Make it better in the future.</strong> What is one thing your partner could do differently next time? What is something you could do better next time? What do you long for now to help you feel comforted and reassured?Dr. Kathy Nickersonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14489146425960922092noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4196672001311955009.post-76373274420201679312011-01-21T22:28:00.000-08:002011-01-21T22:32:38.386-08:00Women & DepressionHello friends. Lately, I have had a lot of questions about women and their tendency to suffer from depression. I wanted to address some of these questions here. I hope this information is helpful to you. If you have any further questions, please don't hesitate to ask!<br /><br /><strong>Why are women especially at risk of depression? </strong><br /><br />Women tend to internalize their thoughts and feelings more. This means that they tend to blame themselves when something goes wrong, that they tend to think they are responsible for the failure. Men are more apt to blame outside circumstances and external factors. <br /><br /><strong>Why do women suffer more often from the disorder than men? </strong><br /><br />The exact nature of depression is not completely understood. We believe that there are many factors that contribute to someone becoming depressed, including hormones, heredity, environmental factors (like having a stressful job), We also know that depression in women often coexists with other emotional health challenges, like anxiety and easting disorders. Additionally, women who are suffering from poverty or abuse are at very high risk for depression. So, the causes of depression are diverse and we really don't know the exact triggers for the condition. <br /><br /><strong>What are the leading causes?</strong><br /><br />In addition to the above, we are most prone to depression when we experience a major loss or major life change, such as the death of a loved one, loss of a job, or ending of a relationship. We could say that such times are "vulnerable periods," where we are more likely to be vulnerable to our genetic predisposition or chemical predisposition to become depressed. <br /><br />Another "vulnerable period" for women is when they are experiencing a significant hormonal shift, such as during adolescence or post-pregnancy. In fact, reproductive stress (i.e., trying to become pregnant, worrying about delivering a healthy baby, fearing that one is pregnant) are all correlated to depression in women. This suggests not only a hormonal connection, but a lifestyle/social connection between reproduction and depression in women.<br /><br /><strong>What is the impact of depression on a person's ability to flourish?</strong><br /><br />The impact of depression is tremendous. If you've never had depression, it's hard to imagine how debilitating it is. It may seem like it's not that big of a deal, we've all been sad before. But true clinical depression is not just sadness, it's debilitating and all-consuming. You tend to feel like the world is a terrible place, that you are a bad person, and that things will never get better. You have no hope for the future, nothing sounds appealing, everything seems difficult and overwhelming. You can't think clearly, you cant feel pleasure, it's truly awful. And this is to say nothing of the physical symptoms! There is a very strong mind-body connection; so when you're hurting emotionally, your body will often follow. You will move sluggishly, you'll feel achy and sick, you will be tired and easily exhausted. Depression is a really painful condition that often requires medication and talk therapy to improve.Dr. Kathy Nickersonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14489146425960922092noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4196672001311955009.post-60333845970407470342010-03-17T12:23:00.000-07:002010-03-17T12:25:48.261-07:006 Signs you're in a healthy relationshipNot long ago, I published an article about six qualities to admire in others, and the response was extraordinary. I prefaced the article by saying that the six I mentioned were by far not an exhaustive list, but included those traits that seemed especially hard to find. In reading all of the comments, however, I was inspired to write a follow-up list that covers some of the other qualities that I, as well as others, believe to be important when looking for friendships and relationships with others. <br /><br />Our relationships are vital to our mental well-being. However, toxic relationships can really do a number on our happiness and outlook on life. As a result, it is important to look for individuals who possess qualities that allow for healthy relationships. Although, once again, not an exhaustive list, the qualities listed below are those that should be at the very heart of a healthy relationship. And, just as you would expect your friend, family member or loved one to display these qualities, it is just as important to reciprocate.<br /><br />Loyalty: Whether it's in friendships or in family, loyalty is truly important to maintain a healthy relationship. All of us are guilty, at one time or another, of making mistakes, having ups and downs, and even displaying some behavior that we may not always be proud of. When we find friends or loved ones who can forgive us and stand by us…even during our worst moments…we should be especially grateful. That said, loyalty should never be taken for granted and we should always be deeply appreciative when it comes our way. <br /><br />Respect: I once knew an individual who was very opinionated about political topics. She would talk down to people who disagreed with her and would be very disrespectful. Not only did she make people feel stomped on, but she left many disinterested in friendship. Treating others with kindness and the respect they deserve is important in gaining the respect that WE desire. It never feels good to be taken for granted, judged or used and it doesn’t feel good to be talked down to or treated rudely or inappropriately. There will be times that we may not always have full agreement with our friends or loved ones, but respecting them along the way is a must.<br /> <br />Unconditionally There: There is nothing worse than having someone always resurface in your life when they are in need, are looking for something or need a favor. In a culture of “you scratch my back, and I’ll scratch yours,” it is somewhat rare to find those “who just scratch your back,” period. Finding individuals who want you in their lives just because…and not because they want something in return is refreshing and worth holding on to. Those who are generous of heart are to be treasured! <br /><br />Trustworthy: I once worked with a woman who, within my first week on the job, felt the need to tell me all of the intimate details of the various extra-marital affairs that had occurred with the management of the firm. She was supposedly friends with these people and I have no doubt, was told this information in the most strictest of confidences. How she felt it was appropriate to divulge this information to a new-hire like me, I still have no idea. But, it was her nature to gossip about everyone and everything. If you share something in confidence, you should be able to trust that the information will remain that way. <br /><br />A Genuine Sounding Board: Taking a genuine interest in what others have to say and really listening to someone is important in developing solid relationships. Letting go of the “me, me, me” and focusing on the other person not only makes the other person feel valued and appreciated, but they feel that they can really talk to someone who cares. Those who take the time to really listen to our thoughts and feelings, and then help us work through difficult times and situations, share our lives at a much deeper level than those who don’t. These are individuals worth hanging on to. <br /><br />Dependability: I had a friend who frequently would RSVP to small gatherings and then would never show. They never explained…never brought it up…and never apologized. Although this example is somewhat trivial, it still makes the point. Obviously there are times when things come up that prevent individuals from following through on what they promise, but if a friend, co-worker or family member perpetually drops the ball, they may be sending you a message. If a friend says they are going to do something or be somewhere, you should be able to count on them. And, in reciprocation, they you. <br /><br />What traits do you look for in a friend or partner? Are your relationships healthy?<br /><br />Source: http://shine.yahoo.com/channel/life/6-signs-youre-in-a-healthy-relationship-1096749/Dr. Kathy Nickersonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14489146425960922092noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4196672001311955009.post-25667535039334825712010-02-17T16:45:00.000-08:002010-02-17T16:48:07.096-08:00Repairing Your Relationship – A 7 Step ProcessFrom many studies of successfully married couples, we know that in order to repair your relationship, there are three essential changes to be made:<br />1. We must increase your positive emotions overall<br />2. We must decrease the negative emotions you have during disagreements<br />3. We must increase the positive emotions and repair efforts made during a disagreement<br /><br />In order to achieve these essential changes, there are seven steps, each with their own goals and tasks, that must be successfully achieved. These goals and tasks are summarized below:<br /><br />Step 1 - Reconnection<br />Getting to know each other again<br />Devoting time to the relationship<br />Friendship building activities<br />Increasing positivity<br />Healing begins<br /><br />Step 2 - Shared Fondness and Admiration <br />Expressing appreciation<br />Increasing gratitude and positive communication<br />Praising your partner for doing well<br />Encouraging relationship enhancing thoughts<br />Expressing fondness and admiration in everyday life<br /><br />Step 3 - Deepening the Connection<br />Building an emotional bank account<br />Working as a team<br />Turning towards each other, as opposed to turning away<br />Allowing your partner to influence you<br /><br />Step 4 - Positive Sentiment Override<br />Managing and reducing stress<br />Challenging distress maintaining thoughts<br />Negotiating power<br />Starting rituals of connection<br />Processing failed bids for connection<br /><br />Step 5 - Conflict Management <br />Differentiating solvable problems from perpetual problems<br />Catching the 4 Horsemen<br />Softening the start-up<br />Structured listening; communicating without blame<br />Learning to repair and soothe<br />Accepting influence<br />Compromising and understanding triggers<br />Dialoguing peacefully about perpetual problems<br /><br />Step 6 - Creating Shared Meaning<br />Establishing connection rituals<br />Establishing goals and plans<br />Sharing dreams, ideas, values<br />Honoring each other<br /><br />Step 7 - Relapse Prevention<br />Thanksgiving and appreciation<br />Spending Time together (magic five 30-minute segments)<br />Emotional Communication<br />Using solid repair strategies<br />Markers of divorce are all reducedDr. Kathy Nickersonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14489146425960922092noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4196672001311955009.post-21444514149881424572010-02-17T16:44:00.001-08:002010-02-17T16:44:50.370-08:00Rules for relationship repair: We must increase the positive before working on the negative.Many people come to my office and want to immediately work on their problems. This is great and this is indeed a goal, but as you will see from the chart above, it is not the first goal. Why not? Solving the problems and managing the conflict is an emotionally draining process. In order to successfully manage conflict, you must have enough positive emotion built up that you can work through the conflict and still have a bit of positivity left over. For this reason, we cannot start therapy by focusing on solving problems. Rather, we must start by building up some positive feelings and some positive regard. Think of your emotions like a bank account: positivity adds money to your account; negativity drains it. Managing conflict is a very, very expensive process. In order to afford conflict, you need to have a couple of weeks with a positive cash flow and some savings before you can spend it on conflict.Dr. Kathy Nickersonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14489146425960922092noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4196672001311955009.post-40632951040886583672010-02-17T16:42:00.000-08:002010-02-17T16:43:44.842-08:00Constant fighting is not as worrisome as numbness.If you and your partner are fighting all the time, this is not as worrisome as you may think. It is not fun and it certainly does not feel good, but fighting is a form of communication. While you are fighting, you are still trying to communicate. Much more worrisome is when people give up on fighting, stop trying to communicate at all, shut down and go numb.Dr. Kathy Nickersonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14489146425960922092noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4196672001311955009.post-34865997028319560612010-02-17T16:40:00.001-08:002010-02-17T16:42:22.210-08:00Relationships deteriorate and improve by a known process.There is a relationship deterioration cycle and it goes like this:<br /><br />1. Partners fight constantly without any resolution; both people feel upset and flooded with negative emotion.<br /><br />2. Both partners feel they have “severe” problems.<br /><br />3. One or both partners try to work out their problems alone.<br /><br />4. One or both partners start leading parallel lives, where there is little or no connection or overlap between these lives.<br /><br />5. Loneliness sets in.<br /><br />6. Partners become emotionally numb, there is no fondness or admiration left. Many choose to divorce.<br /><br />Just as relationships deteriorate by a know process, they are repaired through a known process. This process is the seven step process in the chart. A study by the California Divorce Mediation Project showed that 80% of divorcing couples cited “growing apart, losing a sense of closeness, not feeling loved or appreciated” as the reason for divorce. Only 40% cited severe and intense fighting. This and many other studies shows us that our focus must be on increasing positive emotion first, then we can deal with negative emotions and conflict.Dr. Kathy Nickersonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14489146425960922092noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4196672001311955009.post-19129446426439895962010-02-17T16:39:00.000-08:002010-02-17T16:40:38.833-08:00Look out for the four horsemen!John Gottman, a leading marriage researcher, has identified 4 behaviors to be on the look-out for in any relationship. These behaviors, known as the four horsemen, erode the foundation of your marriage:<br /><br />1.Criticism - speaking negatively about your partner’s character or personality.<br /><br />2.Contempt – sarcasm, cynicism, name-calling, eye-rolling, sneering, mockery, hostile humor.<br /><br />3.Stonewalling – turning away from your partner, tuning them out, ignoring your partner.<br /><br />4.Defensiveness – defending yourself by blaming your partner.Dr. Kathy Nickersonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14489146425960922092noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4196672001311955009.post-58800825901160643472010-02-17T16:37:00.000-08:002010-02-17T16:39:27.528-08:00You don’t necessarily need to solve all of your problems, you need to find a way to talk about them.Not every problem is going to be solvable. The good news is that you don’t need to solve every problem in order to have a successful relationship. What seems to be most important is whether or not a couple can establish a dialogue about their perpetual problems. They may come to some acceptance of the problem and they can communicate about it with affection and amusement.Dr. Kathy Nickersonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14489146425960922092noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4196672001311955009.post-17258789279098470622010-01-19T11:40:00.000-08:002010-01-19T11:48:51.713-08:00Behaviors that keep us close and those that push us awayWondering which of your behaviors keep your relationship close? Or which ones push partners apart? Many researchers have asked these very questions of different couples and these are a few of their responses:<br /><br /><strong>Behaviors that create closeness:</strong><br />Accepting<br />Soothing<br />Reassuring<br />Comforting<br />Discussing; not arguing<br />Listening<br />Talking<br />Spending time together<br />Acting in ways that show care, concern, and interest<br /><br /><strong>Behaviors that create distance and discomfort in a relationship:</strong><br />Lying<br />Blaming<br />Criticizing<br />Judging<br />Manipulating<br />Rewarding to control (where you give someone a reward to try to shape/change their behavior in a somewhat manipulative or controlling way)<br />Iolating (Keeping your partner away from important things, activities, or people in his/her life)<br />Nagging<br />Questioning<br /><br />In looking at this list, what do you think? What would you add to this list? I look forward to hearing your thoughts.Dr. Kathy Nickersonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14489146425960922092noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4196672001311955009.post-42174819612666064002010-01-19T11:37:00.000-08:002010-01-19T11:39:05.794-08:00New Rules for Relationships - Emotional Bank Account<strong>Ask for what you need to replenish your emotional bank account. Then ask your partner, what you can do to help them feel better.</strong><br /><br />I have been thinking about the idea of "emotional bank accounts" lately. This term refers to the idea that we can do or experience things that add money (i.e., positive emotion) to our emotional bank account, we can also experience things that strain or drain money from our account. For example, when your partner hugs and soothes you, this adds money to your account, your emotional bank balance goes up. When your partner criticizes you, your emotional bank balance goes down.<br />This idea has led me to a new rule for relationships: Ask for what you need to replenish your emotional bank account. Then ask your partner, what you can do to help them feel better.<br /><br />We get what we ask for, so if you can think of something that will nourish you, build you up, or make you feel better, why not ask your partner for this? I think most of us would like to hear from our partners and spouses about what we can do to make them feel better.<br /><br />When you think about asking your partner for what you need, what comes up for you?Dr. Kathy Nickersonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14489146425960922092noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4196672001311955009.post-20206587724996219622010-01-07T17:20:00.001-08:002010-01-07T17:20:53.272-08:00Affair Recovery: 10 Things You Need to Know<strong>Actively look for the good; find something to appreciate about the other one.</strong><br /><br />To speed up the healing of your relationship, actively look for the good. By this, I mean look for the good things in your life, the good ways you feel, the good behaviors of your spouse. Comment on these things and express some joy and gratitude. Too often when we are feeling badly, we only focus on the negative aspects of our relationships and our lives. Force yourself out of this pattern and into the practice of catching the other one in the act of doing something good. Also, wrap up each day by expressing some appreciation for the other one. I frequently ask my couples to start doing the Appreciation Exercise daily. The Appreciation Exercise is simply the act of telling your spouse, “Thank you for _____________________, I really appreciated that because __________________________.” Each member of the couple should do this daily.Dr. Kathy Nickersonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14489146425960922092noreply@blogger.com0