Dr. Kathy's Relationship Advice

Exercise – It Does A Brain Good

2008-04-18T22:02:00.000-07:00

New studies show that exercise increases serotonin in your brain which lifts your mood and keeps depression at bay.

Are you finding yourself feeling a little down recently? As we settle back into the hustle and bustle of everyday life following the holidays, it's natural to feel a bit sad. Everyone feels this way from time to time, either out of the blue or as a result of difficult life circumstances. However, occasional sadness is very different from clinical depression

Depression is defined by prolonged feelings of sadness, rejection, and hopelessness. Many people who suffer from clinical depression report several of the following symptoms: low mood, low energy, changes in sleep, changes in appetite, loss of interest in enjoyable activities or hobbies, feeling worthless or guilty, difficulties with concentration, feeling hopeless, helpless, and restless. In severe cases, depression can cause individuals to struggle with social, work, or family situations.

Depression is very common. Recent studies found that one in four women and one in six men will suffer from depression at some point in their lives. While the exact cause of depression remains unknown, it is thought to come from a combination of several factors, including genes, environment, lifestyle, brain chemicals, psychology and personality. As such, the treatment for depression aims to address several of these factors.

There's great news for many of us who suffer from mild sadness to clinical depression – exercise can change chemicals in your brain to lift your mood and keep depression at bay.

New studies show that not only is exercise great for your body, it also has tremendous mood lifting potential. One recent study compared the effects of exercise and medication in treating depression. The participants were divided into three groups who were evaluated over a 4 month period. Group one took antidepressants, group two started exercising aerobically, and the third group did both, that is they used both medications and exercise. The results of the study showed that:
· All three groups improved.
· Group one (antidepressants only) improved the fastest, but had only moderate success.
· Group three (antidepressants plus exercise) improved more slowly, but had the most success after treatment – 69% of them were no longer classified as clinically depressed, as opposed to group one or two, who recovered at slightly lower rates, 66% and 60% respectively.

The changes illustrated by this study have to do with an important brain chemical called serotonin. Serotonin is a neurotransmitter that acts like a "messenger chemical" which regulates your sleep and wake cycles, libido, appetite and mood. Serotonin is one of the neurotransmitters that has been strongly linked to depression. Many of the pharmaceutical treatments for depression work by elevating the levels of serotonin in your brain, thereby influencing your mood.

Some researchers have found that regular exercise, and the increase in physical fitness that comes from exercise, boosts serotonin levels in the brain and leads to improved mood and feelings of wellbeing. Some research indicates that regular exercise also boosts body temperature, which may ease depression by influencing brain chemistry. In addition to changing your brain's chemistry, exercise can help you to feel better by increasing your self-esteem, giving you the chance to socialize, depleting stress chemicals like adrenaline, and helping you to break out of negative thinking cycles.

Some ways you can use exercise to help manage depression include:
· Choosing a wide range of fun exercise activities, perhaps joining a team
· Asking a friend or family member to be your exercise partner, this will help you stay motivated and consistent, as well as adding conversation to the activity, which will make it even more enjoyable and rewarding.
· Aiming to exercise 2-3 times per week, for at least 30 minutes, at 60-70% of your maximum heart rate.
· Incorporating warm up and cool down times, as well as stretching and strength training activities.

If you have been inactive for a while, it's ok, you can still get mood benefits from exercise, you just need to go a little slower. It may be best to start with lower intensity activities for shorter periods of time, like walking for 5 minutes, instead of swimming for 30 minutes. You do not want to strain your body or incur any injuries, so gradually build up to your desired frequency and level of intensity.

The best news is that you can play an active role in your recovery from depression. While research suggests that regular exercise may be effective to prevent depression and also to treat mild depression, it is not a "cure." It may also be that if you are clinically depressed, you are suffering from some other conditions that exercise may not help. Exercise can work to supplement your medication and therapy to help you get better faster, but it is not a stand alone treatment. Your best bet is to work with your doctors and therapists to make your treatment as effective as possible, wherein exercise can play a big role. And if you're not currently depressed, exercising may be one of the best things you can do to stay happy and healthy.

by Britton Arey, MD and Kathy Nickerson, PhD
for OH Magazine, March/April 2008

ELIZA - Online Virtual Psychologist

2008-02-17T10:45:00.000-08:00

Hi Friends. Happy Sunday.

I just ran across something I used to play with as a kid that was very fun. It's ELIZA, an artifical intelligence based "virtual psychologist". Basically, you type in your problem, and it will help refocus your thoughts. As a kid, I thought it was so great; as an adult, it certainly seems less sophisticated. But if does help to draw answers out of you.

Here's the link: http://www-ai.ijs.si/eliza/eliza.html

It's based on an artifical intelligence algorithim that scans for keywords (like never, always, I feel...) and then it helps you to reflect and asks you more questions. It's absolutely better for some problems than others.

If you'd like, give it a try then let me know what you think.Maybe it will be time for folks like me to retire. :)

Warmly,Kathy

Can my relationship be saved?

2008-02-14T21:32:00.000-08:00

Lately a lot of folks have been asking me if their relationship can be saved. They report that their relationship has been bad for years, that they're pretty sure they want to leave, and they want to know if I think they should get a divorce.

So here's where I have to admit some bias....I am always on the side of marriages staying together.

However, here's what I would say to someone wondering if they should stay or leave their marriage:

I'd always encourage you to act in ways that make you feel good about yourself and your life. If this relationship has reached a point where it can no longer be saved, that's a decision for you to make. I always believe there is hope and that any marriage can be made better, but as to whether or not we should keep trying, that's something I cannot tell you. Any decision needs to be yours because you know yourself and your feelings better than I ever will. I am always on the side of trying to make things work, but if you do not feel that's in your best interest or that it can work, I will certainly understand and support you. You deserve to be happy and to be in a relationship that brings you joy.

Here are some questions to ask yourself and to think about:

-Can you say that you have done all you can to make this work?
-Have you taken responsibility for the things you have done that have caused the relationship to be in this state?
-Is anyone else a factor in this relationship?
-Do you have realistic expectations of what things would be like if you left?
-Can you feel comfortable looking at your kids 5-10 years from now explaining the decision you might make?

Your answers to these will be so telling....

It would be easy for me to tell you to stay or go, but in so doing, I am "playing God" - I can't know what's right for you, I can only say that I trust that you to know what's right for you, that you have the answer inside of you, and that the best I can do is help bring that answer to the surface.

But to run with it a little more - how would you feel if I told you to throw in the towel?

Should I stay or go? Questions to ask if you think you want a divorce:

2008-02-14T21:28:00.000-08:00

How To Know When to Call It Quits

How do you know when to throw in the towel or when your marriage has reached the point of no return? Ask yourself some key questions before making the decision to file for divorce.

Are the two of you fussing with one another over trivial matters?
Does just about everything about your spouse irritate you?
Has your spouse physically or emotionally abused you? Are you afraid of your spouse?
Do you believe that your love, patience and hope have just all run out?
Can you communicate about anything or do you always end up in a disagreement?
When you fight, do you fight fair? Do either of you bring up past hurts?
When was the last time you had fun together?
When was the last time you felt sexually attracted to each other?
Do you still make love?
Do the same problems keep resurfacing again and again?
Have you tried counseling?
Can you accept that your personal unhappiness is your own responsibility?
Does your spouse constantly put you down, attack your self-esteem, and/or criticize you?
Do you have any respect for your spouse? Does your spouse respect you?
Are you willing to co-parent the rearing of your children with your ex-spouse?
Are your goals and values different?
Can you compromise on important issues?
Has your spouse been unfaithful?
Do the same problems keep resurfacing again and again?
Do you have dreams of divorce or that your spouse died?
Do you have a plan if you do divorce?
Are you able to cope with the financial and emotional stresses of divorce?

Tips:

It is important that you face the realities of divorce and not the fantasy.

Sometimes an unhealthy relationship cannot be saved and divorce is inevitable.

Realize that you must keep yourself emotionally and physically healthy through this stressful time.

You won't make rational decisions if you are depressed or sleep deprived.

http://marriage.about.com/cs/breakingup/ht/callquits.htm
©2007 About.com, Inc., a part of The New York Times Company. All rights reserved.

The thing you are ripening towards....

2008-02-06T12:01:00.000-08:00

Hi friends. I was browsing through a book store last week and came across the most amazing book - BLOOM by Kobi Yamada. It's a collection of inspirational quotes and thoughts.

This one was especially moving...

The thing you are ripening towards is the fruit of your life. It will make you bright inside, no matter what you are on the outside. It is a shining thing.-Stuart Edward White

I might have changed it to say that YOU are a shining thing.

When we are struggling through a hard time in our lives, it's so natural to turn our thoughts to all of our flaws. It's so easy to forget that there's so much good in us. That we are all works in progress and that we are all becoming better, taller, stronger, brighter every day.I hope this quote touches you and inspires you to bloom into all that you're meant to be.

Warmly,Kathy

____________________________________
Dr. Kathy Nickerson is an expert counselor who helps couples and families improve and strengthen their relationships. She specializes in marriage counseling, couples counseling, and pre-marital counseling. Many of her Kathy's materials, including audio recordings of the how-to questions she is most frequently asked, are available at no cost on her website: www.DrKathyNickerson.com. Kathy would love to hear from you and she may be reached at 949.222.6688 or via email to drkathynickerson@yahoo.com.

Update - Dr. Kathy on COX Forum

2008-02-06T11:59:00.000-08:00

Hi Friends. Just wanted to let you know that you can see my on Cox Channel 3 Forum on 02/14 at 7pm. I will be talking about the effects of violence in the media on kids. I'd love for you to watch and let me know what you think! Thanks so much.

How to HEAL from Anger

2008-01-20T14:00:00.000-08:00

Do you ever find yourself feeling very angry and frustrated that you can't do anything about it? If so, you're not alone.

Psychologist Steven Stosny explains that feelings of anger surge very quickly and that relaxation techniques and impulse-control strategies - often touted as the gold standard for anger management - just don't work. We get too angry, too fast for these standard tips to be effective and when we fail, we feel guilty and ashamed, which actually worsens our feelings of anger.

Stosny suggests a new method for getting over our feelings of anger, he calls it the HEALS technique:

H: HEALING WORD. When you first start to feel angry, think of the word "heals" in your mind. If a situation is upsetting you, imagine a billboard with the word "heals" painted on it; if a particular person is making you mad, picture that person's face with the word "heals" painted on their forehead.

E: EXPLAIN. After you've pictured the healing word, Stosny recommends that you try to talk out or explain your "deepest core hurt" that lies behind the anger. To do this, ask yourself: what am I feeling? What really upsets me so much about this? What's the deepest part of this feeling? What thought makes this feeling so intense?

A: ACCESS. The third step is to "access your core value": Review those things that make your life worth living, like good things you've done, the last compliment you received, the loving relationships you have, the values and morals you're proud of.

L: LOVE. Next, "love yourself" - do this by saying supportive and loving things to yourself. Tell yourself the things you'd tell a close friend or a loved one who was telling you that they didn't think they were good enough - you might say, "It's not true that you're dumb, remember when we all played Scrabble and you won?" or "It's not true that you're insensitive, remember when you took flowers to Mark's house when you heard his mom had cancer?"

S: SOLVE. Finally, "solve the problem": Look at what is really going on underneath the anger. Anger is a normal and healthy emotion, but one we need to be careful with. It's your responsibility to address the feelings that underlie the anger and work on them. My favorite technique for doing this is to write down what I am feeling on a piece of paper, think of all the evidence for and against my feelings, then come up with an action plan.

To become a pro at managing your anger, Stosny prescribes 750 repetitions over the course of four to six weeks, which will train you to automatically go through the HEALS process during moments of stress. "What we try to do is condition this core value experience to occur with the arousal itself," Stosny says. "As soon as you start to get angry, you think about how you love this person. You have to practice getting angry, think about something that got you angry, feel the arousal and then practice it. It's like basic training in the military."

Give this technique a try and then let me know how it works for you - I'd love to hear from you!

-Kathy

___________________________

Dr. Kathy Nickerson is an expert counselor who helps couples and families improve and strengthen their relationships. She specializes in marriage counseling, couples counseling, and pre-marital counseling. Many of her Kathy's materials, including audio recordings of the how-to questions she is most frequently asked, are available at no cost on her website: www.DrKathyNickerson.com. Kathy would love to hear from you and she may be reached at 949.222.6688 or via email to drkathynickerson@yahoo.com.

Morning Pages - My Secret to Rebalancing and Staying Optimistic

2008-01-03T21:44:00.000-08:00

Recently a client remarked, "How can you be so happy? All day long you listen to people's problems. I don't understand how that can't affect you."

Well, the truth is, it does affect me. I love the people I help and I am personally invested in their getting better and feeling happier, so their problems become - for a little while each day - my problems too. Some might say that this means I am too involved with my clients, if so, OK, I accept that. But to really hear and understand someone is to walk a while in their shoes.

So to help me re-balance myself and stay optimistic, positive, and energized, I do a very specific exercise: Morning Pages.

In Julia Cameron's book, The Artist's Way, she explains that Morning Pages are "three pages of long-hand writing, strictly stream of consciousness thoughts." So for me, this might be, "I am tired this morning and worried about John, I wonder if he's been doing his homework, although I didn't do much homework." In her text, Julia explains about the value of writing and getting your thoughts out on to paper. Morning Pages are nothing fancy, in fact, very often, they're not even that interesting.

There is something so restoring about starting the day off with a good walk, a cup of coffee, and Morning Pages - where you can dump out all of your brain's overworked thoughts and start creating anew.

For more about Morning Pages, please see: http://www.theartistsway.com/pdfs/basictools.pdf

________________________________

Dr. Kathy Nickerson is an expert counselor who helps couples and families improve and strengthen their relationships. She specializes in marriage counseling, couples counseling, and pre-marital counseling. Many of her Kathy's materials, including audio recordings of the how-to questions she is most frequently asked, are available at no cost on her website: www.DrKathyNickerson.com. Kathy would love to hear from you and she may be reached at 949.222.6688 or via email to drkathynickerson@yahoo.com.

Speaking the Language of Love

2007-12-06T20:42:00.000-08:00

As the holidays approach, perhaps you have already given some thought to what gift you will give to your loved one this year. Maybe you’ve given some thought to your own romantic ideal. Will he whisper sweet words of love? Will she buy you that great watch you’ve been wanting? Will he carve out an evening from his busy schedule for a movie and some cuddles? Whether you plan to buy roses, make a special meal, write a love letter, plan a romantic escape, or just ignore the lovers’ holiday, there is one wonderful gift that you can give your partner every day of the year: speaking his or her love language.

In his groundbreaking book, The Five Love Languages, Dr. Gary Chapman defines five different love styles. Each style is the way someone likes to be loved and feels most appreciated. Learning your own love style, as well as that of your partner, is the best way to love and be loved.

It’s quite likely that your love style and your partner’s love style will be different. If so, you may need to do a little work and practice acting in the way your partner wants to be loved. Then do a little education—determine your love style and ask for your spouse to do more of what makes you feel truly valued. If you do both of these things, your bound to see and feel more love in your everyday life.

Chapman's Five Emotional Love Languages:

Words of Affirmation
People who value verbal compliments, such as “Wow, you look beautiful in that dress,” and those who desire encouragement are Words of Affirmation types. Loving comments and statements of appreciation, like “You’re an incredible photographer, thank you so much for these pictures!” are what this type craves most.

Quality Time
Spouses who are Quality Time types would like to spend alone time together, focusing only on each other (i.e., not on the football game on TV), while sharing inner feelings, thoughts, and emotions. People who treasure conversation about hopes and dreams while sharing a drink at a local coffee shop are most likely Quality Time types.

Gifts
Most of us love to receive gifts, but this alone does not make someone a Gift type. Gift types look for visual signs of love, such that any gift—big or small, expensive or casual—is likely to be saved, treasured and adored. People of this type often feel that a lack of gifts reflects a lack of love from their spouse.

Acts of Service
Partners who are Acts of Service types, value the little, feel loved when their spouse does little, everyday things, such as taking out the trash, paying household bills, picking the kids up from soccer practice, and the like. In order to feel loved, an Acts of Service type would like to see their partner go out of their way to care for them, to put in the planning, time, effort, and energy to make daily life a bit easier.

Physical Touch
Physical Touch types are perhaps the easiest types to spot. These partners thrive on physical contact and crave all of the hugs, kisses, and physical attention you can bestow upon them. People of this type are most want to be in close physical proximity to their partner and want to be touched or held with some frequency.

Determining Your Style

Answer these questions to determine your love style:

How do you show your love to others?
Think back to the moments when you felt most loved, what made them so memorable?
What do you really wish your partner knew about how to do things differently?
What do you complain about most often?
What do you save, keep, treasure, or hold on to most?

From your answers, look for a pattern: do you value physical closeness most? If so, your love style is likely the physical touch style. Do you crave more alone time? If so, your love style is probably the quality time style. Do you secretly desire a new wedding band for Valentine’s day? Perhaps you are the gift style type.

Determining Your Partner’s Style

To determine your partner’s love style, which one of these statements would your spouse most agree with?

I feel most loved when my partner expresses feelings for me through physical contact, such as a hug or kiss.
I feel most loved when my partner shows me how they feel by taking care of errands, doing household chores, and doing favors for me.
I feel most loved when my spouse brings me a very special gift.
I feel most loved when my partner pays attention to me, focuses on what I am saying, and plans to spend alone time with me.
I feel most loved when my partner tells me how grateful they are for me and talks about how much they appreciate all the little things I do.

Statement 5 = Words of Affirmation style
Statement 4 = Quality Time style
Statement 3 = Gift Style
Statement 2 = Acts of Service style
Statement 1 = Physical Touch style

Speaking Your Partner’s Love Language

After identifying your love style and your partner’s love style, communicate what you’ve learned in their love style. If you’re married to a Words of Affirmation type, tell them “I am so lucky to be married to you, you’re the most caring man in the world.” Then go on to tell your partner what you’ve learned and how you think it could help you both, make sure to tell them about your love style and how you’d really like to be loved. If you partner is a Quality Time type, invite them for a romantic dinner and share your new knowledge. Perhaps you’re dating a Gift type? If so, write a loving statement inside a silver fortune cookie and present this Gift along with a copy of the Love Languages book.

By learning your love language and actively communicating in the love style of your partner, you’ll experience a deeper connection that you ever thought possible. Having this knowledge and practicing it daily will be a gift that gets better every year!

_____________________
The Five Love Languages, How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate by Dr. Gary Chapman is available online at http://www.thefivelovelaguages.com/ and at bookstores everywhere.

New Year, Renewed Relationship

2007-12-06T20:36:00.000-08:00

Did you know that you are biologically engineered to be close to a partner? Emotional closeness doesn’t accidentally happen; it’s some thing that is achieved by paying attention to your relationship every day. As the New Year begins, try implementing some of these tips to get closer to your spouse.

Ways to Get Closer:

Be honest and kind. In order to really connect with your spouse, you need to say what’s on your mind in an honest and kind way. Closeness depends on openness, which means you need to share your innermost thoughts with the one you love. You’ll get great results if you can share your thoughts in a simple, loving way.

Ask for what you need. Your partner cannot read your mind and probably does not have ESP. So make life easy and ask for what you need. Simply and calmly state what you feel and what would make you feel better. Ask your partner for the specific kind of help you want.

Be a team player. The strength of a team is that different people with different talents get together to perform better than they could alone. The same is true with your relationship: you bring a unique skill set and so does your partner. Approach challenges with this mindset and work together towards a solution that makes the most out of your combined strengths.

Try a little tenderness. Be gentle with the people you love. We often reserve our worst behavior for the people we love the most because, we reason, they won’t ever leave us. Truth is, we all need acceptance and kindness from our loved ones.

Ask questions. If you don't understand or like something your partner is doing, ask about it and why he or she is doing it. Explore the behavior and try to find some part you can relate to. Avoid assuming and attacking.

Solve problems as they come up. Don’t spend time assuming and simmering about a problem; talk about how your feeling, ask for what you need to get over it, then move on.

Me Minutes:

Spend 10 minutes in a quiet place reflecting on the following question: What do I really need to feel loved an appreciated? Jot down your thoughts and list ways specific ways your partner can help you. Ask your spouse to do this same exercise. Plan a special night where the two of you can share your responses.

Hope this helps - let me know, I'd love to hear from you!
-Dr. Kathy
__________________________________
Dr. Kathy Nickerson is an expert counselor who helps couples and families improve and strengthen their relationships. She specializes in marriage counseling, couples counseling, and pre-marital counseling. Many of her Kathy's materials, including audio recordings of the how-to questions she is most frequently asked, are available at no cost on her website: www.DrKathyNickerson.com. Kathy would love to hear from you and she may be reached at 949.222.6688 or via email to drkathynickerson@yahoo.com.

This article is from OH Magazine, to be published in January, 2008; more information available at www.obesityhelp.com.

Unhealthy Relationship Types

2007-10-22T21:18:00.000-07:00

TYPE 1 - THE DISCONNECTOR

You can't be in a loving relationship if you don't love yourself. No one else can fill that void for you, so you must fill it before you're in a relationship. Partners should complement each other, not complete each other. It's fine to have different strengths, but we can't lean too much on our partners to handle situations for us because that's too much of a burden. One person can't solve all of their problems and all of your problems, so you need to do your part to carry your own weight.

To know if this is your type, ask yourself some questions:
-Do I look for others' input before making any decision - even small ones?
-Am I unable to make choices or decisions without reassurance from others?
-Do I trust the decisions I will make on my own?
-What am I afraid will happen if I make the wrong decision?
If you see a pattern of fear of making a decision without reassurance from others, you probably would benefit from doing some work to boost your confidence.

To help yourself heal from this pattern of thinking and behavior:
-Do a reality check: How many people think negatively of you? What evidence is there that you're incompetent or unintelligent?
-Do what makes you feel good about yourself. Where and when do you feel best? Spend more time with the people that make you feel good, do activities that make you feel good.
-Boost your self confidence. You can do this by increasing your fitness level (nothing lifts your mood like exercise), join a new group, sign up to try a new dance class, join a book club, volunteer to help at a shelter, or try an online support group.
-Go for it - make decisions, start small and then work up to big ones, without input from others and see how it goes? If it goes well, proceed; if it didn't work out, analyze what went wrong and why. You might discover that some of your beliefs are a bit unrealistic. If so, challenge yourself to try to accept that no one is perfect and you don't have to be perfect to be loved.
-Try some good self help books - one of my favorites is Embracing Your Inner Critic: Turning Self-Criticism into a Creative Asset by Hal Stone and Sidra Stone

TYPE 2: PROJECTIONIST

When we project our beliefs onto other people, we do both them and us a disservice. No two people are carbon copies and if you try to make someone a carbon copy or try to fit someone into a mold, you might be missing out on the best parts. Not unlike the dough that gets tossed away after you've pressed in a cookie cutter; the things we toss aside have equal - and maybe more - value that what we're trying to force.

To know if this is your type, ask yourself:
-What do you expect of yourself?
-Do you have flexible or rigid beliefs?
-Do people often tell you that you don't give them enough credit?
-Do you make assumptions about someone early in a relationship?
-Are you quick to accept or dismiss people based on what you assume about them?
-Try any of the activities listed above to boost self confidence (see Type 1).
-Try a great self help book. I like: Get Out of Your Mind and Into Your Life: The New Acceptance and Commitment Therapy by Steven C. Hayes

If this is your type:
-Look for evidence to support your existing beliefs: is dad really perfect? Was Mark the ideal boyfriend than no one can compare to?
-Challenge yourself to find some flaws in the things/people you think are perfect.
-List your expectations and evaluate them for reasonableness: would most people want or expect what you do? If not, what's a more realistic expectation?
-What do you see as the pros and cons of being perfect? One pro could be that everywhere you go, people admire you; one con might be that you have to work so hard to maintain your image that you're constantly stressed, anxious, and nervous. High anxiety is not conducive to a well balanced relationship.

TYPE 3 - THE SHADOW SELF

The shadow is our rejected self. Everyone has a shadow and the healthiest people are those who seek to understand their shadow and embrace it. To be in a loving relationship, you need to be okay with who you are and who you're not. No one expects you to be perfect; none of us are. We all have baggage that we carry with us and it's better to know where our weak spots are so we can attend to them and reign them in when need be. If we ignore parts of ourself, we aren't really being true to who we are.

To know if this is your type, ask yourself:
-Are there certain things you refuse to talk about?
-When you think about your personality or your behavior, are there parts you are so embarrassed about that you'd be horrified if anyone knew?
-Do you feel more flawed than most people?
-Do you worry that there's something really wrong with you?

If this is your type:
-Think about the parts of yourself that you push away or reject. What thoughts and feelings do you have about these parts?
-In thinking about others, do they have shadow elements like yours? For those that do, how are they doing? How do they manage their shadows?
-Usually we reject something to protect ourselves. So if you allowed yourself to embrace your shadow, what would it say about you? How would you feel? What would you think?
-Try any of the activities listed above to boost self confidence (see Type 1).
-Try a great self help book. I like: The Worry Trap: How to Free Yourself from Worry & Anxiety using Acceptance and Commitment Therapy by Chad LeJune

TYPE 4 - THE CLINGER

I believe that the most influential psychologist was Bowlby and his work on attachment theory. Being connected to another human being is perhaps the strongest human desire, something Bowlby believed and touted as he described attachment. We all need to be connected to someone else in a loving and meaningful way. In a healthy relationship, you should feel free to pursue your own life and your interests, while knowing that your partner will always be there for you, will rush to your side if you're hurt, and that you can always count on them. If you are not sure about these things, or if you doubt your partner is really committed to you, you're likely to be pretty anxious and overly clingy in a relationship.

To know if this is you, ask yourself:
-Do I feel free to go and do my own thing? Does my partner feel the same?
-Do I get really nervous when I am not with my partner?
-Do I worry when I am alone?
-Do I feel the need to be with my partner 24/7
-Would I give up things that are important to me to be with me partner?
If you are seeing a pattern of choosing your partner over yourself, then you may need to spend some time trying to differentiate yourself and to reduce your anxiety.

If this is your type, try the following:
-Identify when and where you get clingy. What's going on when you're most clingy? What are you thinking? What are you afraid of?
-When your partner goes out, what do you assume? What are you telling yourself?
-List all of the answers to the above and analyze your answers, what patterns do you see? For each pattern you identify, challenge yourself to find an alternative way of acting or some alternative thoughts that you could hold on to instead. If you're having trouble with this, do this activity with a trusted friend, they can help you see yourself and your answers more honestly and give you some helpful suggestions.
-Try any of the activities listed above to boost self confidence (see Type 1).
-Try a great self help book. I like: Anxious to Please (Paperback)
by James Rapson (Author), Craig English (Author)

Three Rules to Follow When Telling Children About Divorce

2007-10-18T23:38:00.000-07:00

Have you just decided to get a divorce? Divorce expert M. Gary Neuman outlines the three rules parents should follow when telling their children about divorce.

1. Tell them together as a family. It's crucial that you send a message of unity at this moment when the family dynamic is about to change.

2. You have 45 seconds to keep their attention before their minds begin to race because Mom and Dad aren't going to be living together anymore.

There are three messages you want to get across in that short amount of time:

"Mom and Dad have made each other sad and feel that in the long run it's best for the family to live apart."

"You will still spend lots of time with each of us in our homes."

"This divorce is not your fault."

3. Practice, practice, practice what you will say together with your spouse. In the initial meeting, don't use the word divorce yet. Just discuss living apart, and you can discuss divorce at a later time. After the initial short talk, stay in the room. Sit and listen to what your children have to say and use feeling statements to help them open up ("I imagine you might be feeling _________ about what's going on with Mom and Dad.")

From: http://www2.oprah.com/relationships/relationships_content.jhtml?contentId=con_20070926_divorcerules.xml&section=Breakups/Divorce&subsection=Breakups/Divorce

Email - so easy to use, but so hard to "read"

2007-10-10T11:16:00.000-07:00

Hi all. I read this great article in the NY Times this morning and wanted to share it with you. It really makes it clear why face-to-face communication is so much better than email and why we often misread tone when we read emails. Hope you enjoy!

-K.

E-Mail Is Easy to Write (and to Misread)
By DANIEL GOLEMAN
Published: October 7, 2007

AS I was in the final throes of getting my most recent book into print, an employee at the publishing company sent me an e-mail message that stopped me in my tracks.

I had met her just once, at a meeting. We were having an e-mail exchange about some crucial detail involving publishing rights, which I thought was being worked out well. Then she wrote: “It’s difficult to have this conversation by e-mail. I sound strident and you sound exasperated.”
At first I was surprised to hear I had sounded exasperated. But once she identified this snag in our communications, I realized that something had really been off. So we had a phone call that cleared everything up in a few minutes, ending on a friendly note.

The advantage of a phone call or a drop-by over e-mail is clearly greatest when there is trouble at hand. But there are ways in which e-mail may subtly encourage such trouble in the first place.

This is becoming more apparent with the emergence of social neuroscience, the study of what happens in the brains of people as they interact. New findings have uncovered a design flaw at the interface where the brain encounters a computer screen: there are no online channels for the multiple signals the brain uses to calibrate emotions.

Face-to-face interaction, by contrast, is information-rich. We interpret what people say to us not only from their tone and facial expressions, but also from their body language and pacing, as well as their synchronization with what we do and say.

Most crucially, the brain’s social circuitry mimics in our neurons what’s happening in the other person’s brain, keeping us on the same wavelength emotionally. This neural dance creates an instant rapport that arises from an enormous number of parallel information processors, all working instantaneously and out of our awareness.

In contrast to a phone call or talking in person, e-mail can be emotionally impoverished when it comes to nonverbal messages that add nuance and valence to our words. The typed words are denuded of the rich emotional context we convey in person or over the phone.

E-mail, of course, has a multitude of virtues: it’s quick and convenient, democratizes access and lets us stay in touch with loads of people we could never see or call. It enables us to accomplish huge amounts of work together.

Still, if we rely solely on e-mail at work, the absence of a channel for the brain’s emotional circuitry carries risks. In an article to be published next year in the Academy of Management Review, Kristin Byron, an assistant professor of management at Syracuse University’s Whitman School of Management, finds that e-mail generally increases the likelihood of conflict and miscommunication.

One reason for this is that we tend to misinterpret positive e-mail messages as more neutral, and neutral ones as more negative, than the sender intended. Even jokes are rated as less funny by recipients than by senders.

We fail to realize this largely because of egocentricity, according to a 2005 article in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. Sitting alone in a cubicle or basement writing e-mail, the sender internally “hears” emotional overtones, though none of these cues will be sensed by the recipient.

When we talk, my brain’s social radar picks up that hint of stridency in your voice and automatically lowers my own tone of exasperation, all in the service of working things out. But when we send e-mail, there’s little to nothing by way of emotional valence to pick up. E-mail lacks those channels for the implicit meta-messages that, in a conversation, provide its positive or negative spin.

On the upside, the familiarity that develops between sender and receiver can help to reduce these problems, according to findings by Joseph Walther, a professor of communication and telecommunication at Michigan State University. People who know each other well, it turns out, are less likely to have these misunderstandings online.

These quirks of cyberpsychology are familiar to Clay Shirky, an adjunct professor in New York University’s interactive telecommunications program. His expertise is social computing — software programs through which multiple users interact, ranging from Facebook to Listservs and chat rooms to e-mail. I asked Professor Shirky what all of this might imply for the multitudes of people who work with others by e-mail.

“When you communicate with a group you only know through electronic channels, it’s like having functional Asperger’s Syndrome — you are very logical and rational, but emotionally brittle,” Professor Shirky said.

“I’m part of a far-flung distributed network that at one point was designing a piece of software for sharing medical data; we worked mostly by conference calls and e-mail, and it was going nowhere. So we finally said we’d all fly to Boston and get together for two days, just sit in a room and hash it out.”

During that meeting, the team got an enormous amount of work done. And, Professor Shirky recalls, “because the synchronization by e-mail was so much better after the face-to-face piece, we actually hit the launch date.”

He proposes that work groups whose members are widely dispersed but need to have high levels of coordination — say, a computer security team protecting a global bank — do not have to assemble everyone in one room to reap the same benefit. Instead, he suggests a “banyan model,” after the Asian tree that puts down roots from its branches.

In this approach, he said, “you put down little roots of face-to-face contact everywhere, to strategically augment electronic communications.”

Professor Shirky advised the I.T. head of a global bank to gather together one representative from disparate cities for a day or two and complete tasks. That way, when the security group in Singapore gets e-mail from the security people in London, someone will be more likely to know the sender, and sense how to read the information with less risk of misconstruing or discounting it.

CONSIDER, too, the “e-mail the guy down the hall” effect: as the use of e-mail increases in an organization, the overall volume of other kinds of communication drops — particularly routine friendly greetings. But lacking these seemingly innocuous interactions, people feel more disconnected from co-workers. This was noted in an article in Organizational Science almost a decade ago, just as e-mail was starting to surge. Saying “Hi,” it turns out, really does matter; it’s social glue.

As Professor Shirky puts it, “social software” like e-mail “is not better than face-to-face contact; it’s only better than nothing.”

Daniel Goleman is the author of “Social Intelligence: The New Science of Human Relationships” (Bantam). E-mail: preoccupations@nytimes.com.

Marriage Counseling Tip: How To Stop An Argument

2007-09-25T22:21:00.000-07:00

My very best tip for stopping an argument: When responding to your partner during a discussion, first respond to their emotion (are they sad? hurt? angry? frustrated?) and then respond to the content.

For example, in response to "When you are not here for dinner, I miss you and I feel like our time together is not important to you. I'd really like it if you could make it a priority to be here by 6pm, or if not, just call me and let me know when to expect you." I might say, "Sweetheart, I am sorry that I hurt you by not being home for dinner. You are a priority to me and I will make sure to be home or let you know."

Secrets to Listening

2007-09-22T09:57:00.000-07:00

"I just want you to listen!" It sounds so easy - so if it is, why does it seem so hard? We're in these relationships and we hear what sound like simple requests and yet somehow, it seems we're making mistakes. It's likely that when your partner asks you to listen to them, they're really saying so much more. They're saying "pay attention, show me that you've heard me, and show me that you care." These tips are designed especially for you:

Secrets to Listening

1. Actively listen. Listen for what is right, what is true, what is useful, and for what makes sense in what your partner says. If you can find some truth in what your partner says and acknowledge that, it will do wonders.

2. Instead of saying "but," say "and". Here are some examples - but statement: "You could go play poker with the guys, but you promised me you'd clean the garage." And statement: "I think it would be great if this weekend you could play poker with the guys and clean the garage."

3. Pay attention to your body language. Sit down, uncross your arms and your legs, relax your hands, unfurl your brow, and just look calmly and casually at the other person. Be sure you're both sitting at the same height so that you can look eye to eye.

4. Focus on what your partner is saying, you can look for the TV remote in a few minutes.

5. No one expects you to fix everything or know everything, just listen and be sensitive.

6. Avoid listening like a lawyer, judge or a detective. You're not trying to find fault or start a fight, you're listening to learn.

7. Repeat what you've heard and show that you understand. It's magic to say, "So it sounds like you'd really like me to spend more time helping the kids with their homework and tomorrow night I will check with them before we eat dinner." You can also show you understand by repeating what you heard, nodding your head, asking a question to clarify what you heard, or making a statement that builds on what your partner has said.

8. Express empathy. Here's a great template: "I can understand that you're _________________, if that happened to me, I'd feel the same way."

Hope this helps - let me know, I'd love to hear from you!

-Dr. Kathy

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Top 10 Tips For Talking

2007-09-22T09:45:00.000-07:00

So many of the couples I work with struggle to really talk to each other. They often tell me, "He just doesn't get it, why doesn't he understand what I am saying?" Others will say, "I've told her 47 times that I will get to it when I get to it, why won't she leave me alone?" There's a lot of reasons why these types of communication problems happen with couples; so if your relationship could use a communication boost - these tips should get you on the right track!

Secrets to Talking

1. Say what’s on your mind. Express your concerns, worries and fears. Problems don’t get better if we ignore them.Really say what you mean. Don’t hint, just kindly ask for what you want or need. Hinting statement: “Don’t you think it’s hot in here?” Kind request: “Honey, would you please adjust the AC? I am really hot.”

2. Beware of ESP, wishing and wondering. Don’t expect someone to read your mind. ESP example: “What is he doing over there? Doesn’t he know I need help?” Wishing statement: “I sure wish you’d go with me. You know I don’t like to go alone.” Wondering statement: “I wonder if you’re concerned about the dishes piling up?”

3. Say what you want, not what you don’t want. We often spend more time saying what we do not want, which leaves our partner wondering what we do want. Make it easy on them: tell them what you want. Don’t want statement: “I don’t want to go to that boring movie.” Do want statement: “I really want to go see that new Anthony Hopkins thriller.”

4. Make requests instead of complaints. Complaint: “I don’t like that outfit you’re wearing.” Request: “That outfit is pretty casual for the restaurant we’re going to. I’d feel more comfortable if you wore something a little dressier, especially since I am wearing a suit.”

5. Use gentle, calming and emotional words. Inflammatory statement: “Mark, stop driving like a maniac! You’re going to get us killed, and when you make those sharp turns, I want to throw up!” Calming statement: “Mark, I’m feeling a little sick. Would you please drive more slowly?”

6. Speak about yourself instead of speaking for the other person. Speaking for someone else: “You make me feel unattractive: you never compliment me.” Speaking about yourself: “I feel unattractive. When you don’t compliment me, I think I must not look good to you.”

7. Use “I” statements. Your statement: “You never help me around the house!” I statement: “I’m really pretty wiped out. Would you please help me with the laundry?”

8. Try the magic expression: “When you _____, I _____.” This works wonders with almost any situation. If you use the template above, you can tell your partner what they are doing or saying that is hurting you and then follow it up with a request.

9. Sprinkle your conversations with terms of endearment. When you start a chat with, "Sweetheart, I understand what you're saying and........" it does amazing things. A word infused with love can diffuse a lot of anger.

10. Five things to avoid: Guessing what your partner is feeling, guessing what your partner is thinking, labeling your partner, criticizing your partner and commanding your partner to do or not do something.

Hope this helps - let me know, I'd love to hear from you!

-Dr. Kathy

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Dr. Kathy Nickerson is an expert counselor who helps couples and families improve and strengthen their relationships. She specializes in marriage counseling, couples counseling, and pre-marital counseling. Many of her Kathy's materials, including audio recordings of the how-to questions she is most frequently asked, are available at no cost on her website: www.DrKathyNickerson.com. Kathy would love to hear from you and she may be reached at 949.222.6688 or via email to drkathynickerson@yahoo.com.