Secrets to Listening

"I just want you to listen!" It sounds so easy - so if it is, why does it seem so hard? We're in these relationships and we hear what sound like simple requests and yet somehow, it seems we're making mistakes. It's likely that when your partner asks you to listen to them, they're really saying so much more. They're saying "pay attention, show me that you've heard me, and show me that you care." These tips are designed especially for you:

Secrets to Listening

1. Actively listen. Listen for what is right, what is true, what is useful, and for what makes sense in what your partner says. If you can find some truth in what your partner says and acknowledge that, it will do wonders.

2. Instead of saying "but," say "and". Here are some examples - but statement: "You could go play poker with the guys, but you promised me you'd clean the garage." And statement: "I think it would be great if this weekend you could play poker with the guys and clean the garage."

3. Pay attention to your body language. Sit down, uncross your arms and your legs, relax your hands, unfurl your brow, and just look calmly and casually at the other person. Be sure you're both sitting at the same height so that you can look eye to eye.

4. Focus on what your partner is saying, you can look for the TV remote in a few minutes.

5. No one expects you to fix everything or know everything, just listen and be sensitive.

6. Avoid listening like a lawyer, judge or a detective. You're not trying to find fault or start a fight, you're listening to learn.

7. Repeat what you've heard and show that you understand. It's magic to say, "So it sounds like you'd really like me to spend more time helping the kids with their homework and tomorrow night I will check with them before we eat dinner." You can also show you understand by repeating what you heard, nodding your head, asking a question to clarify what you heard, or making a statement that builds on what your partner has said.

8. Express empathy. Here's a great template: "I can understand that you're _________________, if that happened to me, I'd feel the same way."

Hope this helps - let me know, I'd love to hear from you!

-Dr. Kathy

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Dr. Kathy Nickerson is an expert counselor who helps couples and families improve and strengthen their relationships. She specializes in marriage counseling, couples counseling, and pre-marital counseling. Many of her Kathy's materials, including audio recordings of the how-to questions she is most frequently asked, are available at no cost on her website: www.DrKathyNickerson.com. Kathy would love to hear from you and she may be reached at 949.222.6688 or via email to drkathynickerson@yahoo.com.