In his groundbreaking book, The Five Love Languages, Dr. Gary Chapman defines five different love styles. Each style is the way someone likes to be loved and feels most appreciated. Learning your own love style, as well as that of your partner, is the best way to love and be loved. It’s quite likely that your love style and your partner’s love style will be different. If so, you may need to do a little work and practice acting in the way your partner wants to be loved. Then do a little education—determine your love style and ask for your spouse to do more of what makes you feel truly valued. If you do both of these things, you’re bound to see and feel more love in your everyday life.
Chapman’s Five Emotional Love Languages:
Words of Affirmation
People who value verbal compliments, such as “Wow, you look beautiful in that dress,” and those who desire encouragement are Words of Affirmation types. Loving comments and statements of appreciation, like “You’re an incredible photographer, thank you so much for these pictures!” are what this type craves most.
Quality Time
Spouses who are Quality Time types would like to spend alone time together, focusing only on each other (i.e., not on the football game on TV), while sharing inner feelings, thoughts, and emotions. People who treasure conversation about hopes and dreams while sharing a drink at a local coffee shop are most likely Quality Time types.
Gifts
Most of us love to receive gifts, but this alone does not make someone a Gift type. Gift types look for visual signs of love, such that any gift—big or small, expensive or casual—is likely to be saved, treasured and adored. People of this type often feel that a lack of gifts reflects a lack of love from their spouse.
Acts of Service
Partners who are Acts of Service types feel loved when their spouse does little, everyday things, such as taking out the trash, paying household bills, picking the kids up from soccer practice, and the like. In order to feel loved, an Acts of Service type would like to see their partner go out of their way to care for them: to put in the planning, time, effort, and energy to make daily life a bit easier.
Physical Touch
Physical Touch types are perhaps the easiest types to spot. These partners thrive on physical contact and crave all of the hugs, kisses, and physical attention you can bestow upon them. People of this type are most want to be in close physical proximity to their partner and want to be touched or held with some frequency.
Determining Your StyleAnswer these questions to determine your love style:
1. How do you show your love to others?
2. Think back to the moments when you felt most loved, what made them so memorable?
3. What do you really wish your partner knew about how to do things differently?
4. What do you complain about most often?
5. What do you save, keep, treasure, or hold on to most?
From your answers, look for a pattern: do you value physical closeness most? If so, your love style islikely the physical touch style. Do you crave more alone time? If so, your love style is probably thequality time style. Do you secretly desire a new wedding band for Valentine’s day? Perhaps you arethe gift style type.
NEW: What is your love language quiz on Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/apps/application.php?id=102144530906&ref=nf
Want to know how to determine your partner's love language?
Click here to read more of my tips: http://www.feelbetternetwork.com/articles/238-Speaking-The-Language-of-Love-Finding-Your-Love-Language
Friday, June 5, 2009
What's your communication style?
Another great new quiz on Facebook that will tell you about your communication style and give you tips on how to connect with others: http://apps.facebook.com/whatfs-your-c-ieidga/?start=1&target=home
What do we know about couples who are struggling?
We know a couple of key things about couples who are struggling: (1) they are trapped in a negative cycle, where they seem stuck in the same hurtful spiral, and (2) the key to breaking the cycle is emotion!
The cycle is a never-ending feedback loop, where we make each other out to be the bad guy. Everyone feels hurt, unheard, and pushed away when we're caught in a cycle/spiral. When we're in the cycle, the more one of you attacks, the more dangerous you appear to be, the more we look for attacks, the harder we hit back.
So we must break the cycle..... There are two important steps you can take now to breaking the cycle:
First, realize that the cycle - not your partner - is the enemy. You are not each other's enemy, you love each other. We are never more emotional than when our primary love relationship is threatened, so if both of you are acting in negative ways, that make lots of sense to me. You're both hurt and upset.
Second, negative cycles always start when one person reaches out for the other and could not make safe emotional connection. We are really moved when those we love show their deepest emotions to us, but to do that, we have to feel safe.
So your goal is to identify your cycle, recognize how you impact your partner, then become a safer, more vulnerable person for your partner to open up to.
If you'd like, come join me for "Togetherness Tuesdays" on www.FeelBetterNetwork.com, where I run a free clinic all day - you can ask me any relationship question you like and I will respond back with custom advice, just for you!
Warmly,
Dr. Kathy Nickerson
The cycle is a never-ending feedback loop, where we make each other out to be the bad guy. Everyone feels hurt, unheard, and pushed away when we're caught in a cycle/spiral. When we're in the cycle, the more one of you attacks, the more dangerous you appear to be, the more we look for attacks, the harder we hit back.
So we must break the cycle..... There are two important steps you can take now to breaking the cycle:
First, realize that the cycle - not your partner - is the enemy. You are not each other's enemy, you love each other. We are never more emotional than when our primary love relationship is threatened, so if both of you are acting in negative ways, that make lots of sense to me. You're both hurt and upset.
Second, negative cycles always start when one person reaches out for the other and could not make safe emotional connection. We are really moved when those we love show their deepest emotions to us, but to do that, we have to feel safe.
So your goal is to identify your cycle, recognize how you impact your partner, then become a safer, more vulnerable person for your partner to open up to.
If you'd like, come join me for "Togetherness Tuesdays" on www.FeelBetterNetwork.com, where I run a free clinic all day - you can ask me any relationship question you like and I will respond back with custom advice, just for you!
Warmly,
Dr. Kathy Nickerson
Great Online Support Site - FeelBetterNewtork.com
For a long time, I struggled to find any really good online support groups to which I could refer my friends, my clients, or even my own family. After looking, I finally decided to start my own support site, which is now live: http://www.feelbetternetwork.com/.
The site features three main sections: a learning center, where you can find articles on anything related to emotional wellness, a support center, where you can join a support group or talk to an expert, and "My FBN", which is a section filled with tools, such as an online journal, mood meter, and much more.
Best of all, the site is completely free!
I hope you'll stop by and let me know what you think. I love what we've created and think it can be a great help to many.
Warmly,
Dr. Kathy Nickerson
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Pandora.com
Hi all. Just wanted to share one of my favorite new finds! The spa station on Pandora.com. It's great, free music that is customized just for you. I love it!
Friday, April 18, 2008
Exercise – It Does A Brain Good
New studies show that exercise increases serotonin in your brain which lifts your mood and keeps depression at bay.
Are you finding yourself feeling a little down recently? As we settle back into the hustle and bustle of everyday life following the holidays, it's natural to feel a bit sad. Everyone feels this way from time to time, either out of the blue or as a result of difficult life circumstances. However, occasional sadness is very different from clinical depression
Depression is defined by prolonged feelings of sadness, rejection, and hopelessness. Many people who suffer from clinical depression report several of the following symptoms: low mood, low energy, changes in sleep, changes in appetite, loss of interest in enjoyable activities or hobbies, feeling worthless or guilty, difficulties with concentration, feeling hopeless, helpless, and restless. In severe cases, depression can cause individuals to struggle with social, work, or family situations.
Depression is very common. Recent studies found that one in four women and one in six men will suffer from depression at some point in their lives. While the exact cause of depression remains unknown, it is thought to come from a combination of several factors, including genes, environment, lifestyle, brain chemicals, psychology and personality. As such, the treatment for depression aims to address several of these factors.
There's great news for many of us who suffer from mild sadness to clinical depression – exercise can change chemicals in your brain to lift your mood and keep depression at bay.
New studies show that not only is exercise great for your body, it also has tremendous mood lifting potential. One recent study compared the effects of exercise and medication in treating depression. The participants were divided into three groups who were evaluated over a 4 month period. Group one took antidepressants, group two started exercising aerobically, and the third group did both, that is they used both medications and exercise. The results of the study showed that:
· All three groups improved.
· Group one (antidepressants only) improved the fastest, but had only moderate success.
· Group three (antidepressants plus exercise) improved more slowly, but had the most success after treatment – 69% of them were no longer classified as clinically depressed, as opposed to group one or two, who recovered at slightly lower rates, 66% and 60% respectively.
The changes illustrated by this study have to do with an important brain chemical called serotonin. Serotonin is a neurotransmitter that acts like a "messenger chemical" which regulates your sleep and wake cycles, libido, appetite and mood. Serotonin is one of the neurotransmitters that has been strongly linked to depression. Many of the pharmaceutical treatments for depression work by elevating the levels of serotonin in your brain, thereby influencing your mood.
Some researchers have found that regular exercise, and the increase in physical fitness that comes from exercise, boosts serotonin levels in the brain and leads to improved mood and feelings of wellbeing. Some research indicates that regular exercise also boosts body temperature, which may ease depression by influencing brain chemistry. In addition to changing your brain's chemistry, exercise can help you to feel better by increasing your self-esteem, giving you the chance to socialize, depleting stress chemicals like adrenaline, and helping you to break out of negative thinking cycles.
Some ways you can use exercise to help manage depression include:
· Choosing a wide range of fun exercise activities, perhaps joining a team
· Asking a friend or family member to be your exercise partner, this will help you stay motivated and consistent, as well as adding conversation to the activity, which will make it even more enjoyable and rewarding.
· Aiming to exercise 2-3 times per week, for at least 30 minutes, at 60-70% of your maximum heart rate.
· Incorporating warm up and cool down times, as well as stretching and strength training activities.
If you have been inactive for a while, it's ok, you can still get mood benefits from exercise, you just need to go a little slower. It may be best to start with lower intensity activities for shorter periods of time, like walking for 5 minutes, instead of swimming for 30 minutes. You do not want to strain your body or incur any injuries, so gradually build up to your desired frequency and level of intensity.
The best news is that you can play an active role in your recovery from depression. While research suggests that regular exercise may be effective to prevent depression and also to treat mild depression, it is not a "cure." It may also be that if you are clinically depressed, you are suffering from some other conditions that exercise may not help. Exercise can work to supplement your medication and therapy to help you get better faster, but it is not a stand alone treatment. Your best bet is to work with your doctors and therapists to make your treatment as effective as possible, wherein exercise can play a big role. And if you're not currently depressed, exercising may be one of the best things you can do to stay happy and healthy.
by Britton Arey, MD and Kathy Nickerson, PhD
for OH Magazine, March/April 2008
Are you finding yourself feeling a little down recently? As we settle back into the hustle and bustle of everyday life following the holidays, it's natural to feel a bit sad. Everyone feels this way from time to time, either out of the blue or as a result of difficult life circumstances. However, occasional sadness is very different from clinical depression
Depression is defined by prolonged feelings of sadness, rejection, and hopelessness. Many people who suffer from clinical depression report several of the following symptoms: low mood, low energy, changes in sleep, changes in appetite, loss of interest in enjoyable activities or hobbies, feeling worthless or guilty, difficulties with concentration, feeling hopeless, helpless, and restless. In severe cases, depression can cause individuals to struggle with social, work, or family situations.
Depression is very common. Recent studies found that one in four women and one in six men will suffer from depression at some point in their lives. While the exact cause of depression remains unknown, it is thought to come from a combination of several factors, including genes, environment, lifestyle, brain chemicals, psychology and personality. As such, the treatment for depression aims to address several of these factors.
There's great news for many of us who suffer from mild sadness to clinical depression – exercise can change chemicals in your brain to lift your mood and keep depression at bay.
New studies show that not only is exercise great for your body, it also has tremendous mood lifting potential. One recent study compared the effects of exercise and medication in treating depression. The participants were divided into three groups who were evaluated over a 4 month period. Group one took antidepressants, group two started exercising aerobically, and the third group did both, that is they used both medications and exercise. The results of the study showed that:
· All three groups improved.
· Group one (antidepressants only) improved the fastest, but had only moderate success.
· Group three (antidepressants plus exercise) improved more slowly, but had the most success after treatment – 69% of them were no longer classified as clinically depressed, as opposed to group one or two, who recovered at slightly lower rates, 66% and 60% respectively.
The changes illustrated by this study have to do with an important brain chemical called serotonin. Serotonin is a neurotransmitter that acts like a "messenger chemical" which regulates your sleep and wake cycles, libido, appetite and mood. Serotonin is one of the neurotransmitters that has been strongly linked to depression. Many of the pharmaceutical treatments for depression work by elevating the levels of serotonin in your brain, thereby influencing your mood.
Some researchers have found that regular exercise, and the increase in physical fitness that comes from exercise, boosts serotonin levels in the brain and leads to improved mood and feelings of wellbeing. Some research indicates that regular exercise also boosts body temperature, which may ease depression by influencing brain chemistry. In addition to changing your brain's chemistry, exercise can help you to feel better by increasing your self-esteem, giving you the chance to socialize, depleting stress chemicals like adrenaline, and helping you to break out of negative thinking cycles.
Some ways you can use exercise to help manage depression include:
· Choosing a wide range of fun exercise activities, perhaps joining a team
· Asking a friend or family member to be your exercise partner, this will help you stay motivated and consistent, as well as adding conversation to the activity, which will make it even more enjoyable and rewarding.
· Aiming to exercise 2-3 times per week, for at least 30 minutes, at 60-70% of your maximum heart rate.
· Incorporating warm up and cool down times, as well as stretching and strength training activities.
If you have been inactive for a while, it's ok, you can still get mood benefits from exercise, you just need to go a little slower. It may be best to start with lower intensity activities for shorter periods of time, like walking for 5 minutes, instead of swimming for 30 minutes. You do not want to strain your body or incur any injuries, so gradually build up to your desired frequency and level of intensity.
The best news is that you can play an active role in your recovery from depression. While research suggests that regular exercise may be effective to prevent depression and also to treat mild depression, it is not a "cure." It may also be that if you are clinically depressed, you are suffering from some other conditions that exercise may not help. Exercise can work to supplement your medication and therapy to help you get better faster, but it is not a stand alone treatment. Your best bet is to work with your doctors and therapists to make your treatment as effective as possible, wherein exercise can play a big role. And if you're not currently depressed, exercising may be one of the best things you can do to stay happy and healthy.
by Britton Arey, MD and Kathy Nickerson, PhD
for OH Magazine, March/April 2008
Sunday, February 17, 2008
ELIZA - Online Virtual Psychologist
Hi Friends. Happy Sunday.
I just ran across something I used to play with as a kid that was very fun. It's ELIZA, an artifical intelligence based "virtual psychologist". Basically, you type in your problem, and it will help refocus your thoughts. As a kid, I thought it was so great; as an adult, it certainly seems less sophisticated. But if does help to draw answers out of you.
Here's the link: http://www-ai.ijs.si/eliza/eliza.html
It's based on an artifical intelligence algorithim that scans for keywords (like never, always, I feel...) and then it helps you to reflect and asks you more questions. It's absolutely better for some problems than others.
If you'd like, give it a try then let me know what you think.Maybe it will be time for folks like me to retire. :)
Warmly,Kathy
I just ran across something I used to play with as a kid that was very fun. It's ELIZA, an artifical intelligence based "virtual psychologist". Basically, you type in your problem, and it will help refocus your thoughts. As a kid, I thought it was so great; as an adult, it certainly seems less sophisticated. But if does help to draw answers out of you.
Here's the link: http://www-ai.ijs.si/eliza/eliza.html
It's based on an artifical intelligence algorithim that scans for keywords (like never, always, I feel...) and then it helps you to reflect and asks you more questions. It's absolutely better for some problems than others.
If you'd like, give it a try then let me know what you think.Maybe it will be time for folks like me to retire. :)
Warmly,Kathy
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