If you and your spouse have been locked in combat mode for a while, it's time to make some changes! Few things are more damaging to your mood, health, and relationship than being in constant conflict. Fighting actually changes our neurochemistry and physiology, which means that the effects of a fight last far longer than the fight itself. Frequent fighting means your body stays in this altered state for longer periods of time and with each fight, the stress chemicals get higher and higher, which ironically, makes another fight more likely.
To break this fighting cycle, I'd like you to think of yourself like a scientist. I want you to think of each fight as an experiment, where you need to change only one thing each time. Each fight, change just one thing and note the results. Keep experimenting, keep observing. Pretty soon, you'll realize the "secret formula" for you and your spouse
To help you find this secret formula, here are 15 different techniques to experiment with. Please try each one and make notes about which ones work best for you. Keep what works, discard what doesn't. Share and discuss your observations with your spouse so the two of you can fine tune your approach.
1. Soften up. Be warmer, be friendlier, acknowledge what you hear that makes sense to you. People want to work with and listen to someone who acts like a teddy bear, not a prickly cactus.
2. Describe how you are feeling. Explain your perspective without judging or blaming the other person. Use emotional language and talk about feelings where appropriate. For example, say "I am hurt because I feel like I am not a priority for you."
3. Stop listening like a lawyer and preparing your defense. Instead, flip a coin (pick a number or play rock/scissors/paper) to determine who will speak first and who will listen; then switch roles after 2 minutes. While you're listening like a lawyer, you're not really listening at all. You're thinking about what argument you're going to present when it's your turn to talk. So, force yourself out of this pattern, push yourself to really listen to your spouse and try to understand his/her perspective. Listen for where you can bend and offer compromises.
4. Take frequent breaks. During each break, do something to calm yourself down. Go for a walk, listen to your favorite song, do 5 minutes of yoga, watch a relaxation video, re-read a love letter from your spouse. Do anything you like that calms you down and soothes you.
5. Try adding some structure to your arguments. Try the 5-5-3-3-2-2 + Hallmark approach. Person 1 talks for 5 minutes, while the other person listens. Then person 2, while person 1 listens, for 5 minutes. Then person 1 responds for 3 minutes, followed by person 2 for 3 minutes. Then person 1 wraps up for 2 minutes, followed by person 2 for 2 minutes. To conclude, each of you should say something loving and emotional, like something you'd write in a Hallmark card. Emotional "Hallmark" moments help soothe your partner and encourage positive changes to take place.
6. Play Let's Make A Deal. Ask for something you need in exchange for something your partner wants. For example, you might say, "Honey, I really want to go to my Mom's house for Thanskgiving this year. Let's make a deal: I'll do something you'd like if you'll come with me to Mom's. What can I do for you that will make this a good deal for both of us?" Deals should be fair and be acceptable to both partners. Don't agree to do something you'll resent.
7. Respond to anger with soothing and compassion. Have you noticed what happens when you respond to anger with anger? That's right, the situation gets even worse and uglier. So, try the opposite. try getting softer, calmer, cuddlier, warmer and offer some compassion. If your spouse is upset and yelling, get quiet and say something like, "You know, I am so sorry, I must have really hurt you....I never want to do that. How can I help you now?"
8. Take responsibility; promise improvement. Everyone has the right to their feelings, even if you don't agree or think they're seeing it wrong, they have the right to feel what they feel. So instead of trying to talk someone out of their feelings, instead, take responsibility for what you can and promise change. Maybe you disagree with 99% of what your partner is feeling, that's ok...focus on what you do agree with and take responsibility for that piece of it.
9. Actively try to soothe yourself during a fight. Earlier, I mentioned taking a break and doing something relaxing. Now, let's try to soothe ourselves during the fight without leaving the discussion. What I'd like you to do is tell yourself good things, things that soothe you and make you feel better, while you're in the argument. Think about the loving things your spouse said during your last anniversary dinner, think about the moment you knew you were in love with your spouse, assume your spouse loves you and has good intentions and isn't trying to hurt you. It's hard, I know, but you can do it....practice, practice.
10. Just listen. Take a break from talking back and just focus on listening. Let the other person vent and when he/she pauses or stops, say, "Ok, I heard you, The most important thing I heard you say was ______. How can I help make that better for you?"
11. Begin softly, act with compassion. How you start a conversation is typically how you end a conversation. If you start calmly and gently, odds are, you'll end the conversation well. Start with anger and aggression, you'll end up with a hot mess. Assume that everyone does something for a reason. Assume your partner has good intentions. Strive to express empathy and compassion as often as you can in an argument.
12. Focus on yourself. When we're arguing, we tend to think our partner is being ridiculous and unreasonable and if only they'd change, things would be fine. This really isn't the case. You can't control your partner, but you can completely control yourself. Focus on changing your thoughts, your behavior, your actions, your words...not your spouse's.
13. Wave a caution flag. Often, when we are fighting, we don't realize that we've pushed someone's buttons and are making them very upset. So, help your partner know when he's triggered you by waving a caution flag, i.e., saying, "Hey, you know, you're really pushing my buttons. If you want this to be productive, I need you to not do that....."
14. Throw in "ice cubes." When the argument is getting heated, cool it down with a few "ice cubes." Ice cubes are just a few words of love, some praise or a compliment. For example, you might say, "Honey, I really do love you. We'll figure it out." Everyone responds well to genuine emotion; toss a loving ice cube into the conversation and watch it work wonders.
15. Get deep. A little secret for you: what we fight about is almost never what we're fighting about. We fight about the toothpaste, but what we're really fighting for is what the toothpaste means to us. Next time you're arguing, try asking your spouse, "Help me understand, what's really behind this for you? What does this really mean to you?" You'll be surprised by the answers! You'll learn that your leaving the toothpaste on the counter really tells your spouse that you don't care about how hard she works to keep things looking nice and clean and that you take her for granted. Going deep and asking "What does this really mean?" gets you some very interesting information.
Showing posts with label dr kathy nickerson. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dr kathy nickerson. Show all posts
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
Tuesday, June 18, 2013
Speaking The Language of Love: Finding Your Love Language
In his groundbreaking book, The Five Love Languages, Dr. Gary Chapman
defines five different love styles. Each style is the way someone likes
to be loved and feels most appreciated. Learning your own love style,
as well as that of your partner, is the best way to love and be loved.
It’s quite likely that your love style and your partner’s love style
will be different. If so, you may need to do a little work and practice
acting in the way your partner wants to be loved. Then do a little
education—determine your love style and ask for your spouse to do more
of what makes you feel truly valued. If you do both of these things,
you’re bound to see and feel more love in your everyday life.
Chapman’s Five Emotional Love Languages:
Words of Affirmation
People who value verbal compliments, such as “Wow, you look beautiful in that dress,” and those who desire encouragement are Words of Affirmation types. Loving comments and statements of appreciation, like “You’re an incredible photographer, thank you so much for these pictures!” are what this type craves most.
Quality Time Spouses who are Quality Time types would like to spend alone time together, focusing only on each other (i.e., not on the football game on TV), while sharing inner feelings, thoughts, and emotions. People who treasure conversation about hopes and dreams while sharing a drink at a local coffee shop are most likely Quality Time types.
Gifts Most of us love to receive gifts, but this alone does not make someone a Gift type. Gift types look for visual signs of love, such that any gift—big or small, expensive or casual—is likely to be saved, treasured and adored. People of this type often feel that a lack of gifts reflects a lack of love from their spouse.
Acts of Service Partners who are Acts of Service types feel loved when their spouse does little, everyday things, such as taking out the trash, paying household bills, picking the kids up from soccer practice, and the like. In order to feel loved, an Acts of Service type would like to see their partner go out of their way to care for them: to put in the planning, time, effort, and energy to make daily life a bit easier.
Physical Touch Physical Touch types are perhaps the easiest types to spot. These partners thrive on physical contact and crave all of the hugs, kisses, and physical attention you can bestow upon them. People of this type are most want to be in close physical proximity to their partner and want to be touched or held with some frequency.
Determining Your Style
Answer these questions to determine your love style:
1. How do you show your love to others?
2. Think back to the moments when you felt most loved, what made them so memorable?
3. What do you really wish your partner knew about how to do things differently?
4. What do you complain about most often?
5. What do you save, keep, treasure, or hold on to most?
From your answers, look for a pattern: do you value physical closeness most? If so, your love style is
likely the physical touch style. Do you crave more alone time? If so, your love style is probably the
quality time style. Do you secretly desire a new wedding band for Valentine’s day? Perhaps you are
the gift style type.
Determining Your Partner’s Style
To determine your partner’s love style, which one of these statements would your spouse most agree with?
1. I feel most loved when my partner expresses feelings for me through physical contact, such as a hug or kiss.
2. I feel most loved when my partner shows affection by taking care of errands, doing household chores, and doing favors for me.
3. I feel most loved when my spouse brings me a very special gift.
4. I feel most loved when my partner pays attention to me, focuses on what I am saying, and plans to spend alone time with me.
5. I feel most loved when my partner tells me how grateful they are for me and talks about how much all the little things I do are appreciated.
Statement 5 = Words of Affirmation style
Statement 4 = Quality Time style
Statement 3 = Gift style
Statement 2 = Acts of Service style
Statement 1 = Physical Touch style
Speaking Your Partner’s Love Language
After identifying your love style and your partner’s love style, communicate what you’ve learned in
their love style. If you’re married to a Words of affirmation type, tell them “I am so lucky to be married to you, you’re the most caring man in the world.” Then go on to tell your partner what you’ve learned and how you think it could help you both, make sure to tell them about your love style and how you’d really like to be loved. If you partner is a Quality Time type, invite them for a romantic dinner and share your new knowledge. Perhaps you’re dating a Gift type? If so, write a loving statement inside a silver fortune cookie and present this gift along with a copy of The Five Love Languages.
By learning your love language and actively communicating in the love style of your partner, you’ll experience a deeper connection than you ever thought possible. Having this knowledge and
practicing it daily will be a Valentine’s gift that gets better every year!
The Five Love Languages, How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate by Dr. Gary Chapman is available online at www.thefivelovelanguages.com and at bookstores everywhere.
Chapman’s Five Emotional Love Languages:
Words of Affirmation
People who value verbal compliments, such as “Wow, you look beautiful in that dress,” and those who desire encouragement are Words of Affirmation types. Loving comments and statements of appreciation, like “You’re an incredible photographer, thank you so much for these pictures!” are what this type craves most.
Quality Time Spouses who are Quality Time types would like to spend alone time together, focusing only on each other (i.e., not on the football game on TV), while sharing inner feelings, thoughts, and emotions. People who treasure conversation about hopes and dreams while sharing a drink at a local coffee shop are most likely Quality Time types.
Gifts Most of us love to receive gifts, but this alone does not make someone a Gift type. Gift types look for visual signs of love, such that any gift—big or small, expensive or casual—is likely to be saved, treasured and adored. People of this type often feel that a lack of gifts reflects a lack of love from their spouse.
Acts of Service Partners who are Acts of Service types feel loved when their spouse does little, everyday things, such as taking out the trash, paying household bills, picking the kids up from soccer practice, and the like. In order to feel loved, an Acts of Service type would like to see their partner go out of their way to care for them: to put in the planning, time, effort, and energy to make daily life a bit easier.
Physical Touch Physical Touch types are perhaps the easiest types to spot. These partners thrive on physical contact and crave all of the hugs, kisses, and physical attention you can bestow upon them. People of this type are most want to be in close physical proximity to their partner and want to be touched or held with some frequency.
Determining Your Style
Answer these questions to determine your love style:
1. How do you show your love to others?
2. Think back to the moments when you felt most loved, what made them so memorable?
3. What do you really wish your partner knew about how to do things differently?
4. What do you complain about most often?
5. What do you save, keep, treasure, or hold on to most?
From your answers, look for a pattern: do you value physical closeness most? If so, your love style is
likely the physical touch style. Do you crave more alone time? If so, your love style is probably the
quality time style. Do you secretly desire a new wedding band for Valentine’s day? Perhaps you are
the gift style type.
Determining Your Partner’s Style
To determine your partner’s love style, which one of these statements would your spouse most agree with?
1. I feel most loved when my partner expresses feelings for me through physical contact, such as a hug or kiss.
2. I feel most loved when my partner shows affection by taking care of errands, doing household chores, and doing favors for me.
3. I feel most loved when my spouse brings me a very special gift.
4. I feel most loved when my partner pays attention to me, focuses on what I am saying, and plans to spend alone time with me.
5. I feel most loved when my partner tells me how grateful they are for me and talks about how much all the little things I do are appreciated.
Statement 5 = Words of Affirmation style
Statement 4 = Quality Time style
Statement 3 = Gift style
Statement 2 = Acts of Service style
Statement 1 = Physical Touch style
Speaking Your Partner’s Love Language
After identifying your love style and your partner’s love style, communicate what you’ve learned in
their love style. If you’re married to a Words of affirmation type, tell them “I am so lucky to be married to you, you’re the most caring man in the world.” Then go on to tell your partner what you’ve learned and how you think it could help you both, make sure to tell them about your love style and how you’d really like to be loved. If you partner is a Quality Time type, invite them for a romantic dinner and share your new knowledge. Perhaps you’re dating a Gift type? If so, write a loving statement inside a silver fortune cookie and present this gift along with a copy of The Five Love Languages.
By learning your love language and actively communicating in the love style of your partner, you’ll experience a deeper connection than you ever thought possible. Having this knowledge and
practicing it daily will be a Valentine’s gift that gets better every year!
The Five Love Languages, How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate by Dr. Gary Chapman is available online at www.thefivelovelanguages.com and at bookstores everywhere.
Monday, May 27, 2013
When you don't know what to do, choose the path with fewest regrets
I really believe that the best therapists help you make the decision that's right for you, instead of making the decision for you. It's your life, you should always be empowered to make your own choices. It's easy for me to give you my answer, but much better for me to help you make your own.
What I ultimately told her was that in a situation where you don't know what to do, where both choices seem bad or complicated, choose the one with the fewest regrets. None of us can know exactly how a situation will play out in the future, but I believe that you'll feel best if you can stand back in the future and look at the outcome and say, "I did everything I possibly could to make this work."
I hope this helps you make the choices you're struggling with. We should all be so lucky to lead a life with few regrets.
Warmly,
Dr Kathy
Friday, September 23, 2011
Dr Kathy's Rules for Fighting Fair
Through the years, I've spent a lot of time refining the do's and don'ts of good communication. This list has affectionately become know as my rules for fighting fair. The idea is that we should strive to do as much as we can on the do list, while minimizing the things we do on the don't list.
If you're working on your relationship, pick just one task from the list below to focus on for a week. Pay attention to how making that change affects the rest of your relationship. If it makes an improvement, even a small one, keep doing that task and add another one when you feel ready. Ultimately, the secret to changing your relationship is to make small changes often and keep doing the things that make the relationship better.
DO:
• Soften up
• Be gentle and kind
• Reassure your partner
• Be empathetic and compassionate
• Take responsibility for what you can
• Ask for what you need to feel better
• Complain without blaming the other person
• Try to see the other person's perspective
• Focus on feelings
• Stay with the here and now
• Take breaks
• Try to find a solution
• Try to help your partner feel better
• Say loving things, like compliments or praise or concessions, during a fight
• Stop when you feel like you're losing self-control
DON'T
• Attack
• Insult
• Blame
• Judge or label
• Withdraw
• Criticize
• Call names
• Be defensive
• Use profanity
• Call the other "crazy"
• Assassinate character
• Play games
• Make threats
• Yell, throw or hit
• Give ultimatums
• Threaten divorce
• Bring up every problem or fight you've ever had
• Give silent treatment
• Bring in other people or their opinions
• Walk away without saying you'll be back later
Read more on my website: www.drkathynickerson.com
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Monday, September 19, 2011
Preparing for a 730 Child Custody Evaluation
If you're reading this, chances are that you are currently going through a divorce and either you or your spouse has requested a 730 evaluation. I am so sorry; few things are more stressful than a divorce and few things are more worrisome than a child custody evaluation. But hang in there! You can prepare and you can present yourself well during your 730 evaluation.
First things first, let's talk about what a 730 child custody evaluation is.
A 730 evaluation is a court ordered review of the parenting practices and behaviors of two parents, with the intent of determining the best custody arrangement for the children. In this process, a licensed therapist (which could be a psychologist, MFT, or social worker) will meet with you and your spouse, separately, and will interview you both about your parenting practices, your parenting beliefs, your relationship with your kids, your work life, your personal life, your thoughts and your feelings. With your permission, the evaluator will also meet with your kids and will talk to other adults, such as your kids' teachers, your babysitter, your boss, and anyone else you'd like, to find evidence to corroborate the information you provide. The role of the 730 evaluator is to make a recommendation to the family law court about where your kids should live and how you and your spouse will share custody of the kids. The goal of the 730 evaluator is always to make a recommendation in the best interests of the children.
Now, let's talk about how to behave in a 730 child custody evaluation. I am happy to provide you with my thoughts and ideas about how best to proceed with an evaluation, but before you implement any of these suggestions, please discuss them with your attorney and your therapist. Remember, I am not an attorney and I don't know anything about your case, so you need to chat with your legal team to make sure they give you the personal guidance you need.
1. Treat the evaluator with respect.
The evaluator is a professional, who has gone through years of training, and deserves your respect. I know that you're not excited about this process, that it probably seems a little unfair, and that it's expensive, but the last person you want to vent your frustration to is the evaluator. The evaluator may only see you one time and will base their opinion of you on this one meeting, so don't blow it by being disrespectful.
2. Be on time, dress appropriately, don't be jerky.
How we act says a lot about our feelings and our attitudes. Make sure to arrive to your appointment on time, dressed in clean, professional attire, and be polite. If you arrive late, the evaluator might conclude that if you're ok with being late for the 730 meeting, that you will think nothing of being late to pick up your child from school. Please don't sabotage your evaluation by showing up in dirty jeans, ripped t-shirt, messy hair, and unbrushed teeth. Again, the evaluator will likely assume that you're trying to present him/her your best image and if what you show is a messy image, the evaluator will really worry. Also, be polite and friendly to the evaluator; they are not your enemy.
3. Realize that the evaluator is NOT your therapist.
Although the evaluator is a therapist, it's really important that you realize the evaluator is not YOUR therapist. The evaluator's job is to critically analyze you and your behaviors to make a recommendation to the court about your parenting ability. The evaluator really works for the court, so be mindful of the information you share with the evaluator. I am not saying that you should lie to the evaluator or withhold information, but I do think you should think about how you're coming across. For example, you might be thinking, "God, I hate this process, sometimes I'd rather just move to China then put up with this one more day!" You could say this to your own therapist and your own therapist would understand that it was a fleeting thought. But a court appointed evaluator is going to take this remark very seriously and will be very concerned about it. So choose your words, your expressions, and your stories carefully.
4. Keep it about the kids.
One of the most tempting things to do in a 730 evaluation is to go in and tell the evaluator what a terrible, miserable, horrible person your spouse is and how they're a lousy parent. Don't do this. This makes you look terrible and will probably negatively bias the evaluator against you. Instead, talk about the things you do with the kids, why you think those things are important, and what your plans are for the kids when they're in your care. A smart evaluator will be able to compare and contrast your plans with your spouse's plans and if your spouse is a terrible person, that will probably come out in the evaluation. However, you can share critical information with the evaluator if there is a police or legal record to support your report. If your spouse has a history of drunk driving, domestic violence, substantiated child abuse, or other criminal activity, then you should mention this to the evaluator.
5. Provide lots of evidence and data.
Since the evaluator is making a recommendation to the court, he must provide evidence to support his recommendation. The more evidence and data you can provide to support your perspective and ideas, the better. Review everything and anything you want to share with the evaluator with your attorney before you have your meeting with the evaluator.
6. Connect the evaluator to others who can support your report.
Be sure to provide the evaluator with a list of people that he can call to learn more about you and your parenting practices. Teachers, babysitters, neighbors, and others who have seen you in a parenting role, but who are not your family members, are especially important. We all assume that your family loves you and will back you up no matter what, so they tend to be viewed as biased sources of information. Your child's teacher is not likely to be as biased, so this is a great person to have the evaluator talk to. Just like with a job interview, before listing anyone as a reference, ask them if they are comfortable being that reference for you and if they'd have any concerns providing you a good recommendation. If they don't think they can give you a good recommendation, I would not list them as a reference.
7. Share testing results with caution.
If your therapist has done any psychological testing on you, you may want to share these results with the evaluator. Before you decide to share these results, talk to your therapist about any negative aspects of the testing. You may be within normal ranges on all but one "scale" and depending on what that scale is, you may not want to share the results. Also, when you share things with the evaluator, the information may become part of the court record. I am pretty sure that you testing results will not become public information, but there is a chance that part of the results could be included in the 730 report and that the report can be viewed and obtained by others. Before releasing anything, check with your attorney about how this information might be used in the future.
8. Don't make yourself out to be perfect.
As therapists, we mostly believe in the golden rule: if it looks too good to be true, it's probably not true. So be mindful of this when you go into your evaluation. If you present yourself as the perfect parent, the evaluator is likely to wonder what's really true. A better plan is to go in and be honest about your strengths and your weaknesses, but handle weaknesses the same way you would at a job interview. For example, let's say that your parenting "weakness" is that you're inconsistent with discipline and rules. Don't say, "Yeah, I really don't like rules, so sometimes I just don't make the kids brush their teeth." Do say, "I am still learning how to be more consistent because I know that kids thrive on schedules and routines."
9. Don't be defensive.
I've heard that some evaluators will try to provoke their subjects because they want to see how they handle stress and being agitated. I think this is a really inappropriate thing to do, but since it might happen to you, I want you to be prepared. If the therapist says something upsetting, like, "So I hear you have a bad temper and your ex-wife is concerned that you discipline your kids too harshly," don't get defensive and start yelling and attacking. Do say, "Hmmn, it's hard for me to understand why she would say that. I love my kids, I would never hurt them." This is just an example, but hopefully it conveys the idea that no matter what allegation is made, you should try to stay calm and explain your honest perspective of the matter.
10. Do your research - pick a good evaluator.
Ideally, your attorney is experienced with 730 evaluations and can guide you towards choosing an evaluator who will be fair and impartial to you. However, some attorneys do not have tremendous experience with these hearings and may not know much about the different evaluators. If this is the case for you, the best thing to do is to go online and review and research different 730 evaluators. The court typically provides you and your attorney a list of approved evaluators. Please research every therapist on the list and share your research with your attorney. Instead of focusing on trying to find the very best one for you, try to come up with a list of the ones you absolutely do not want to see. As you and your spouse must agree on the evaluator, it's likely you won't get the exact evaluator you want, but it's probable that you can get the one you don't want excluded from consideration.
First things first, let's talk about what a 730 child custody evaluation is.
A 730 evaluation is a court ordered review of the parenting practices and behaviors of two parents, with the intent of determining the best custody arrangement for the children. In this process, a licensed therapist (which could be a psychologist, MFT, or social worker) will meet with you and your spouse, separately, and will interview you both about your parenting practices, your parenting beliefs, your relationship with your kids, your work life, your personal life, your thoughts and your feelings. With your permission, the evaluator will also meet with your kids and will talk to other adults, such as your kids' teachers, your babysitter, your boss, and anyone else you'd like, to find evidence to corroborate the information you provide. The role of the 730 evaluator is to make a recommendation to the family law court about where your kids should live and how you and your spouse will share custody of the kids. The goal of the 730 evaluator is always to make a recommendation in the best interests of the children.
Now, let's talk about how to behave in a 730 child custody evaluation. I am happy to provide you with my thoughts and ideas about how best to proceed with an evaluation, but before you implement any of these suggestions, please discuss them with your attorney and your therapist. Remember, I am not an attorney and I don't know anything about your case, so you need to chat with your legal team to make sure they give you the personal guidance you need.
1. Treat the evaluator with respect.
The evaluator is a professional, who has gone through years of training, and deserves your respect. I know that you're not excited about this process, that it probably seems a little unfair, and that it's expensive, but the last person you want to vent your frustration to is the evaluator. The evaluator may only see you one time and will base their opinion of you on this one meeting, so don't blow it by being disrespectful.
2. Be on time, dress appropriately, don't be jerky.
How we act says a lot about our feelings and our attitudes. Make sure to arrive to your appointment on time, dressed in clean, professional attire, and be polite. If you arrive late, the evaluator might conclude that if you're ok with being late for the 730 meeting, that you will think nothing of being late to pick up your child from school. Please don't sabotage your evaluation by showing up in dirty jeans, ripped t-shirt, messy hair, and unbrushed teeth. Again, the evaluator will likely assume that you're trying to present him/her your best image and if what you show is a messy image, the evaluator will really worry. Also, be polite and friendly to the evaluator; they are not your enemy.
3. Realize that the evaluator is NOT your therapist.
Although the evaluator is a therapist, it's really important that you realize the evaluator is not YOUR therapist. The evaluator's job is to critically analyze you and your behaviors to make a recommendation to the court about your parenting ability. The evaluator really works for the court, so be mindful of the information you share with the evaluator. I am not saying that you should lie to the evaluator or withhold information, but I do think you should think about how you're coming across. For example, you might be thinking, "God, I hate this process, sometimes I'd rather just move to China then put up with this one more day!" You could say this to your own therapist and your own therapist would understand that it was a fleeting thought. But a court appointed evaluator is going to take this remark very seriously and will be very concerned about it. So choose your words, your expressions, and your stories carefully.
4. Keep it about the kids.
One of the most tempting things to do in a 730 evaluation is to go in and tell the evaluator what a terrible, miserable, horrible person your spouse is and how they're a lousy parent. Don't do this. This makes you look terrible and will probably negatively bias the evaluator against you. Instead, talk about the things you do with the kids, why you think those things are important, and what your plans are for the kids when they're in your care. A smart evaluator will be able to compare and contrast your plans with your spouse's plans and if your spouse is a terrible person, that will probably come out in the evaluation. However, you can share critical information with the evaluator if there is a police or legal record to support your report. If your spouse has a history of drunk driving, domestic violence, substantiated child abuse, or other criminal activity, then you should mention this to the evaluator.
5. Provide lots of evidence and data.
Since the evaluator is making a recommendation to the court, he must provide evidence to support his recommendation. The more evidence and data you can provide to support your perspective and ideas, the better. Review everything and anything you want to share with the evaluator with your attorney before you have your meeting with the evaluator.
6. Connect the evaluator to others who can support your report.
Be sure to provide the evaluator with a list of people that he can call to learn more about you and your parenting practices. Teachers, babysitters, neighbors, and others who have seen you in a parenting role, but who are not your family members, are especially important. We all assume that your family loves you and will back you up no matter what, so they tend to be viewed as biased sources of information. Your child's teacher is not likely to be as biased, so this is a great person to have the evaluator talk to. Just like with a job interview, before listing anyone as a reference, ask them if they are comfortable being that reference for you and if they'd have any concerns providing you a good recommendation. If they don't think they can give you a good recommendation, I would not list them as a reference.
7. Share testing results with caution.
If your therapist has done any psychological testing on you, you may want to share these results with the evaluator. Before you decide to share these results, talk to your therapist about any negative aspects of the testing. You may be within normal ranges on all but one "scale" and depending on what that scale is, you may not want to share the results. Also, when you share things with the evaluator, the information may become part of the court record. I am pretty sure that you testing results will not become public information, but there is a chance that part of the results could be included in the 730 report and that the report can be viewed and obtained by others. Before releasing anything, check with your attorney about how this information might be used in the future.
8. Don't make yourself out to be perfect.
As therapists, we mostly believe in the golden rule: if it looks too good to be true, it's probably not true. So be mindful of this when you go into your evaluation. If you present yourself as the perfect parent, the evaluator is likely to wonder what's really true. A better plan is to go in and be honest about your strengths and your weaknesses, but handle weaknesses the same way you would at a job interview. For example, let's say that your parenting "weakness" is that you're inconsistent with discipline and rules. Don't say, "Yeah, I really don't like rules, so sometimes I just don't make the kids brush their teeth." Do say, "I am still learning how to be more consistent because I know that kids thrive on schedules and routines."
9. Don't be defensive.
I've heard that some evaluators will try to provoke their subjects because they want to see how they handle stress and being agitated. I think this is a really inappropriate thing to do, but since it might happen to you, I want you to be prepared. If the therapist says something upsetting, like, "So I hear you have a bad temper and your ex-wife is concerned that you discipline your kids too harshly," don't get defensive and start yelling and attacking. Do say, "Hmmn, it's hard for me to understand why she would say that. I love my kids, I would never hurt them." This is just an example, but hopefully it conveys the idea that no matter what allegation is made, you should try to stay calm and explain your honest perspective of the matter.
10. Do your research - pick a good evaluator.
Ideally, your attorney is experienced with 730 evaluations and can guide you towards choosing an evaluator who will be fair and impartial to you. However, some attorneys do not have tremendous experience with these hearings and may not know much about the different evaluators. If this is the case for you, the best thing to do is to go online and review and research different 730 evaluators. The court typically provides you and your attorney a list of approved evaluators. Please research every therapist on the list and share your research with your attorney. Instead of focusing on trying to find the very best one for you, try to come up with a list of the ones you absolutely do not want to see. As you and your spouse must agree on the evaluator, it's likely you won't get the exact evaluator you want, but it's probable that you can get the one you don't want excluded from consideration.
I hope this list will help you prepare for your 730 evaluation interview. Please remember to discuss these ideas with your attorney and therapist before your meeting with the evaluator. If you'd like, please feel free to email me any specific questions you have. I wish you all the best!
-Dr Kathy Nickerson
Friday, January 21, 2011
The Fight Recovery Guide for Couples
If you've recently had a knock-down-drag-out argument with your spouse, I am very sorry. Fighting is exhausting and extremely stressful.
I believe you can make it better and will recover from this bad fight, but there are two things you need to do: (1) think about what happened and why, and (2) have a talk about what happened and work towards healing from it.
To do both of these things, I'd like for you each to spend some time thinking about the questions below, do this on your own. Once you have your answers, make a "date" with your spouse to discuss your responses together.
If things get heated again, take a break and calm yourself down. Working through this issue is stressful for you both! Calm yourself and do anything you can to help soothe your partner. You will get through this.
1. Summarize your experience of the fight. How are you feeling about what happened? What are your thoughts and feelings about the fight?
2. Share your subjective reality. Summarize your own personal reality about the disagreement. What was the reality or "the truth" for you?
3. Find something in your partner’s story that you can understand. Now, try and see how your partner’s subjective reality might make sense, given your partner’s perspective. Tell your partner about one piece of his or her reality that makes sense to you.
4. Are you emotionally flooded or too upset to talk? If you're really upset - a level 8 or more on a scale of 1-10 - then take a break and self-soothe before continuing.
5. Admit your own role. It is essential that each of you takes some responsibility for what happened. See if anything from the list below applies to your situation.
1. I have been very stressed and irritable lately.
2. I have not expressed much appreciation towards my partner lately.
3. I have taken my partner for granted.
4. I have been overly sensitive lately.
5. I have been overly critical lately.
6. I have not shared very much of my inner world.
7. I have not been emotionally available.
8. I have been turning away from my partner.
9. I have been getting easily upset.
10. I have been depressed lately.
11. I would say that I have a chip on my shoulder lately.
12. I have not been very affectionate.
13. I have not made time for good things between us.
14. I have not been a very good listener.
15. I have not been asking for what I need.
16. I have been feeling a bit like a martyr.
17. I have needed to be alone.
18. I have not wanted to take care of anybody.
Overall, my contribution to this fight was:____________________________________.
6. Make it better in the future. What is one thing your partner could do differently next time? What is something you could do better next time? What do you long for now to help you feel comforted and reassured?
I believe you can make it better and will recover from this bad fight, but there are two things you need to do: (1) think about what happened and why, and (2) have a talk about what happened and work towards healing from it.
To do both of these things, I'd like for you each to spend some time thinking about the questions below, do this on your own. Once you have your answers, make a "date" with your spouse to discuss your responses together.
If things get heated again, take a break and calm yourself down. Working through this issue is stressful for you both! Calm yourself and do anything you can to help soothe your partner. You will get through this.
1. Summarize your experience of the fight. How are you feeling about what happened? What are your thoughts and feelings about the fight?
2. Share your subjective reality. Summarize your own personal reality about the disagreement. What was the reality or "the truth" for you?
3. Find something in your partner’s story that you can understand. Now, try and see how your partner’s subjective reality might make sense, given your partner’s perspective. Tell your partner about one piece of his or her reality that makes sense to you.
4. Are you emotionally flooded or too upset to talk? If you're really upset - a level 8 or more on a scale of 1-10 - then take a break and self-soothe before continuing.
5. Admit your own role. It is essential that each of you takes some responsibility for what happened. See if anything from the list below applies to your situation.
1. I have been very stressed and irritable lately.
2. I have not expressed much appreciation towards my partner lately.
3. I have taken my partner for granted.
4. I have been overly sensitive lately.
5. I have been overly critical lately.
6. I have not shared very much of my inner world.
7. I have not been emotionally available.
8. I have been turning away from my partner.
9. I have been getting easily upset.
10. I have been depressed lately.
11. I would say that I have a chip on my shoulder lately.
12. I have not been very affectionate.
13. I have not made time for good things between us.
14. I have not been a very good listener.
15. I have not been asking for what I need.
16. I have been feeling a bit like a martyr.
17. I have needed to be alone.
18. I have not wanted to take care of anybody.
Overall, my contribution to this fight was:____________________________________.
6. Make it better in the future. What is one thing your partner could do differently next time? What is something you could do better next time? What do you long for now to help you feel comforted and reassured?
Women & Depression
Hello friends. Lately, I have had a lot of questions about women and their tendency to suffer from depression. I wanted to address some of these questions here. I hope this information is helpful to you. If you have any further questions, please don't hesitate to ask!
Why are women especially at risk of depression?
Women tend to internalize their thoughts and feelings more. This means that they tend to blame themselves when something goes wrong, that they tend to think they are responsible for the failure. Men are more apt to blame outside circumstances and external factors.
Why do women suffer more often from the disorder than men?
The exact nature of depression is not completely understood. We believe that there are many factors that contribute to someone becoming depressed, including hormones, heredity, environmental factors (like having a stressful job), We also know that depression in women often coexists with other emotional health challenges, like anxiety and easting disorders. Additionally, women who are suffering from poverty or abuse are at very high risk for depression. So, the causes of depression are diverse and we really don't know the exact triggers for the condition.
What are the leading causes?
In addition to the above, we are most prone to depression when we experience a major loss or major life change, such as the death of a loved one, loss of a job, or ending of a relationship. We could say that such times are "vulnerable periods," where we are more likely to be vulnerable to our genetic predisposition or chemical predisposition to become depressed.
Another "vulnerable period" for women is when they are experiencing a significant hormonal shift, such as during adolescence or post-pregnancy. In fact, reproductive stress (i.e., trying to become pregnant, worrying about delivering a healthy baby, fearing that one is pregnant) are all correlated to depression in women. This suggests not only a hormonal connection, but a lifestyle/social connection between reproduction and depression in women.
What is the impact of depression on a person's ability to flourish?
The impact of depression is tremendous. If you've never had depression, it's hard to imagine how debilitating it is. It may seem like it's not that big of a deal, we've all been sad before. But true clinical depression is not just sadness, it's debilitating and all-consuming. You tend to feel like the world is a terrible place, that you are a bad person, and that things will never get better. You have no hope for the future, nothing sounds appealing, everything seems difficult and overwhelming. You can't think clearly, you cant feel pleasure, it's truly awful. And this is to say nothing of the physical symptoms! There is a very strong mind-body connection; so when you're hurting emotionally, your body will often follow. You will move sluggishly, you'll feel achy and sick, you will be tired and easily exhausted. Depression is a really painful condition that often requires medication and talk therapy to improve.
Why are women especially at risk of depression?
Women tend to internalize their thoughts and feelings more. This means that they tend to blame themselves when something goes wrong, that they tend to think they are responsible for the failure. Men are more apt to blame outside circumstances and external factors.
Why do women suffer more often from the disorder than men?
The exact nature of depression is not completely understood. We believe that there are many factors that contribute to someone becoming depressed, including hormones, heredity, environmental factors (like having a stressful job), We also know that depression in women often coexists with other emotional health challenges, like anxiety and easting disorders. Additionally, women who are suffering from poverty or abuse are at very high risk for depression. So, the causes of depression are diverse and we really don't know the exact triggers for the condition.
What are the leading causes?
In addition to the above, we are most prone to depression when we experience a major loss or major life change, such as the death of a loved one, loss of a job, or ending of a relationship. We could say that such times are "vulnerable periods," where we are more likely to be vulnerable to our genetic predisposition or chemical predisposition to become depressed.
Another "vulnerable period" for women is when they are experiencing a significant hormonal shift, such as during adolescence or post-pregnancy. In fact, reproductive stress (i.e., trying to become pregnant, worrying about delivering a healthy baby, fearing that one is pregnant) are all correlated to depression in women. This suggests not only a hormonal connection, but a lifestyle/social connection between reproduction and depression in women.
What is the impact of depression on a person's ability to flourish?
The impact of depression is tremendous. If you've never had depression, it's hard to imagine how debilitating it is. It may seem like it's not that big of a deal, we've all been sad before. But true clinical depression is not just sadness, it's debilitating and all-consuming. You tend to feel like the world is a terrible place, that you are a bad person, and that things will never get better. You have no hope for the future, nothing sounds appealing, everything seems difficult and overwhelming. You can't think clearly, you cant feel pleasure, it's truly awful. And this is to say nothing of the physical symptoms! There is a very strong mind-body connection; so when you're hurting emotionally, your body will often follow. You will move sluggishly, you'll feel achy and sick, you will be tired and easily exhausted. Depression is a really painful condition that often requires medication and talk therapy to improve.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Relationships deteriorate and improve by a known process.
There is a relationship deterioration cycle and it goes like this:
1. Partners fight constantly without any resolution; both people feel upset and flooded with negative emotion.
2. Both partners feel they have “severe” problems.
3. One or both partners try to work out their problems alone.
4. One or both partners start leading parallel lives, where there is little or no connection or overlap between these lives.
5. Loneliness sets in.
6. Partners become emotionally numb, there is no fondness or admiration left. Many choose to divorce.
Just as relationships deteriorate by a know process, they are repaired through a known process. This process is the seven step process in the chart. A study by the California Divorce Mediation Project showed that 80% of divorcing couples cited “growing apart, losing a sense of closeness, not feeling loved or appreciated” as the reason for divorce. Only 40% cited severe and intense fighting. This and many other studies shows us that our focus must be on increasing positive emotion first, then we can deal with negative emotions and conflict.
1. Partners fight constantly without any resolution; both people feel upset and flooded with negative emotion.
2. Both partners feel they have “severe” problems.
3. One or both partners try to work out their problems alone.
4. One or both partners start leading parallel lives, where there is little or no connection or overlap between these lives.
5. Loneliness sets in.
6. Partners become emotionally numb, there is no fondness or admiration left. Many choose to divorce.
Just as relationships deteriorate by a know process, they are repaired through a known process. This process is the seven step process in the chart. A study by the California Divorce Mediation Project showed that 80% of divorcing couples cited “growing apart, losing a sense of closeness, not feeling loved or appreciated” as the reason for divorce. Only 40% cited severe and intense fighting. This and many other studies shows us that our focus must be on increasing positive emotion first, then we can deal with negative emotions and conflict.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
New Rules for Relationships - Emotional Bank Account
Ask for what you need to replenish your emotional bank account. Then ask your partner, what you can do to help them feel better.
I have been thinking about the idea of "emotional bank accounts" lately. This term refers to the idea that we can do or experience things that add money (i.e., positive emotion) to our emotional bank account, we can also experience things that strain or drain money from our account. For example, when your partner hugs and soothes you, this adds money to your account, your emotional bank balance goes up. When your partner criticizes you, your emotional bank balance goes down.
This idea has led me to a new rule for relationships: Ask for what you need to replenish your emotional bank account. Then ask your partner, what you can do to help them feel better.
We get what we ask for, so if you can think of something that will nourish you, build you up, or make you feel better, why not ask your partner for this? I think most of us would like to hear from our partners and spouses about what we can do to make them feel better.
When you think about asking your partner for what you need, what comes up for you?
I have been thinking about the idea of "emotional bank accounts" lately. This term refers to the idea that we can do or experience things that add money (i.e., positive emotion) to our emotional bank account, we can also experience things that strain or drain money from our account. For example, when your partner hugs and soothes you, this adds money to your account, your emotional bank balance goes up. When your partner criticizes you, your emotional bank balance goes down.
This idea has led me to a new rule for relationships: Ask for what you need to replenish your emotional bank account. Then ask your partner, what you can do to help them feel better.
We get what we ask for, so if you can think of something that will nourish you, build you up, or make you feel better, why not ask your partner for this? I think most of us would like to hear from our partners and spouses about what we can do to make them feel better.
When you think about asking your partner for what you need, what comes up for you?
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Affair Recovery: 10 Things You Need to Know
Create shared meaning, goals, things to look forward to.
Once your relationship has stabilized a bit, it is important to reintroduce shared meaning. Shared meaning is a fancy way of saying things in common, shared experience, things to look forward to, or common goals. By establishing shared meaning and common goals, you reconnect to your spouse, you act as part of a team, and you reassure the other one by showing that they are important enough for you to make future life plans with. So as you are healing, start talking about where you’d like to be in 1, 5, 10 years; talk about what you’d like to do personally and professionally in the near future, make pans for a family trip, create a family project. Closeness breeds closeness, so get as close as you can to your spouse by intertwining your lives as much as possible.
Once your relationship has stabilized a bit, it is important to reintroduce shared meaning. Shared meaning is a fancy way of saying things in common, shared experience, things to look forward to, or common goals. By establishing shared meaning and common goals, you reconnect to your spouse, you act as part of a team, and you reassure the other one by showing that they are important enough for you to make future life plans with. So as you are healing, start talking about where you’d like to be in 1, 5, 10 years; talk about what you’d like to do personally and professionally in the near future, make pans for a family trip, create a family project. Closeness breeds closeness, so get as close as you can to your spouse by intertwining your lives as much as possible.
Affair Recovery: 10 Things You Need to Know
Listen for emotional language; Follow the emotions.
The most important thing to talk about, and listen for, is emotional language. Emotional language sounds like “I felt so scared…,” where scared and fearful is the emotion. It can also sound like, “When I heard about that, I was so angry…,” where the emotional word was angry, letting you know your partner is hurt and angry. Try to really listen for these emotional clues. When you hear an emotional word, make a note of it and follow the emotion. Reassure your partner and ask for more detail by saying, “I heard you say you were so angry, I am so sorry you felt that way, can you help me understand why?” As you follow the emotions, your goal is to acknowledge the emotion, express some sympathy, ask for clarification, and then give true and genuine reassurance to your partner.
The most important thing to talk about, and listen for, is emotional language. Emotional language sounds like “I felt so scared…,” where scared and fearful is the emotion. It can also sound like, “When I heard about that, I was so angry…,” where the emotional word was angry, letting you know your partner is hurt and angry. Try to really listen for these emotional clues. When you hear an emotional word, make a note of it and follow the emotion. Reassure your partner and ask for more detail by saying, “I heard you say you were so angry, I am so sorry you felt that way, can you help me understand why?” As you follow the emotions, your goal is to acknowledge the emotion, express some sympathy, ask for clarification, and then give true and genuine reassurance to your partner.
Affair Recovery: 10 Things You Need to Know
Talk daily about each other’s day; talk weekly about your relationship.
As I mentioned above, relationship talks are usually quite stressful for both partners. As such, I like to start couples with the idea that everyday is for everyday talk; relationship talk is something you should only do once a week. This is a goal, not a rule…so if you need to talk more, go ahead. But in my experience, most couples have better, more productive talks when they think about how they’re feeling each week and that choose which items to share in their State of the Union talk. Every day, you need to carve out time to talk to your partner about their day, their thoughts, their feelings, their fears. Again, anything and everything can be talked about, except the relationship.
As I mentioned above, relationship talks are usually quite stressful for both partners. As such, I like to start couples with the idea that everyday is for everyday talk; relationship talk is something you should only do once a week. This is a goal, not a rule…so if you need to talk more, go ahead. But in my experience, most couples have better, more productive talks when they think about how they’re feeling each week and that choose which items to share in their State of the Union talk. Every day, you need to carve out time to talk to your partner about their day, their thoughts, their feelings, their fears. Again, anything and everything can be talked about, except the relationship.
Affair Recovery: 10 Things You Need to Know
Manage your anxiety and talk about the relationship once a week.
It has been said that one of the best things for partners in distress to do is to learn how to manage their own anxiety. Simply put: discussing your relationship day in and day out is a sure-fire way to bring more stress into the relationship. Most men have a very hard time recovering from relationship discussions, so having a daily chat about your union will keep men in an uncomfortable place. The goal is for each of you to feel safe, comfortable, and secure, so we need to create an environment that fosters these feelings. I recommend couples do two things: (1) manage their own individual anxiety by writing in a journal, taking a yoga class, and/or doing something that reduces stress, like going for a walk, and (2) have a “state of the union” talk once per week. In this talk, which should be during a low-stress time, such as a weekend afternoon, I’d like the two of you to sit down in a comfortable place and talk about how you’ve been feeling about the relationship. Each person should be allotted 20-30 minutes to talk about what they’ve been feeling, with the other one listening, making eye contact, taking notes, and focusing on giving the other spouse support and reassurance. Remember that your goal is to soothe your spouse, not put on your best defense. Don’t worry about defending yourself, just listen and try to connect with the emotions that your partner is sharing.
It has been said that one of the best things for partners in distress to do is to learn how to manage their own anxiety. Simply put: discussing your relationship day in and day out is a sure-fire way to bring more stress into the relationship. Most men have a very hard time recovering from relationship discussions, so having a daily chat about your union will keep men in an uncomfortable place. The goal is for each of you to feel safe, comfortable, and secure, so we need to create an environment that fosters these feelings. I recommend couples do two things: (1) manage their own individual anxiety by writing in a journal, taking a yoga class, and/or doing something that reduces stress, like going for a walk, and (2) have a “state of the union” talk once per week. In this talk, which should be during a low-stress time, such as a weekend afternoon, I’d like the two of you to sit down in a comfortable place and talk about how you’ve been feeling about the relationship. Each person should be allotted 20-30 minutes to talk about what they’ve been feeling, with the other one listening, making eye contact, taking notes, and focusing on giving the other spouse support and reassurance. Remember that your goal is to soothe your spouse, not put on your best defense. Don’t worry about defending yourself, just listen and try to connect with the emotions that your partner is sharing.
Affair Recovery: 10 Things You Need to Know
Drill down on your emotions.
I’ve met many couples that come through counseling after an affair having a stronger marriage than they did before. The reason for this is that they took the time to really drill down on their emotions and look for the reasons and unmet needs that prompted them to turn away from their spouse and find someone else. If you’re recovering from an affair, it’s key that you take some time to think about the following key questions and find a gentle way to share this information with your spouse:
- How were you feeling in the marriage before the affair?
- What do you think your relationship was missing?
- What did you get out of having an affair?
- What made it difficult to turn towards your spouse and talk about what you were missing?
- What do you really want and need from your partner in order to feel comfortable, safe, and loved?
Affair Recovery: 10 Things You Need to Know
Your old relationship doesn’t live there any more.
Many people will ask me, “Can’t we just forgive and forget?” Others ask me, “How do we get back to the way things were?” Unfortunately, the answer to both questions is that it’s not possible. It’s not possible to just forgive and forget, emotions don’t work like that and they don’t turn on a dime. Real healing takes the slow build-up of trust and the experience, over a long period of time, that you are again a safe, secure, and comfortable person for your spouse to lean on. As for getting back to the way things were, we need to remember that your affair happened because of they way things were, so we don’t really want to get back to that place. Rather, we need to closely look at what was missing from the relationship before that caused you (or your partner) to go outside the relationship for comfort and support from someone else.
Many people will ask me, “Can’t we just forgive and forget?” Others ask me, “How do we get back to the way things were?” Unfortunately, the answer to both questions is that it’s not possible. It’s not possible to just forgive and forget, emotions don’t work like that and they don’t turn on a dime. Real healing takes the slow build-up of trust and the experience, over a long period of time, that you are again a safe, secure, and comfortable person for your spouse to lean on. As for getting back to the way things were, we need to remember that your affair happened because of they way things were, so we don’t really want to get back to that place. Rather, we need to closely look at what was missing from the relationship before that caused you (or your partner) to go outside the relationship for comfort and support from someone else.
Affair Recovery: 10 Things You Need to Know
Expect the road to be bumpy.
The road to recovery is not easy or fast or particularly comfortable. Real recovery is slow and sometimes stumbles. There can even be spots where things seem to get worse. The overall trend should be positive. Before I mentioned that there are several stages each one of you will go through on your path to healing. In my experience, it takes 1-2 months per stage, so this puts you on track for recovering from an affair within 6-12 months.
The road to recovery is not easy or fast or particularly comfortable. Real recovery is slow and sometimes stumbles. There can even be spots where things seem to get worse. The overall trend should be positive. Before I mentioned that there are several stages each one of you will go through on your path to healing. In my experience, it takes 1-2 months per stage, so this puts you on track for recovering from an affair within 6-12 months.
Affair Recovery: 10 Things You Need to Know
You can’t get better while anyone else is involved in your relationship.
In order to start getting recovering from an affair, you need to do two things: (1) lay all of your cards on the table, and (2) stop all communication with the “affair partner.” Once an affair is discovered, both of you will feel hurt, upset, and somewhat numb. The worst thing that could happen at this point would be for any other bombs to be dropped on the relationship. It is for this reason that I suggest absolutely no contact with the affair partner. There may be some cases where this is impossible, but to the greatest extent possible, eliminate any and all contact with the affair partner. You also need to be open and honest about what happened in the affair and what led up to the affair. These items should be discussed with great care and sensitivity. Many people ask me, “Kathy, can’t we just skip over those details? Won’t those details just hurt her more?” The answer is no. I have found that people’s own imaginations of what might have happened during an affair to be far more hurtful than hearing what really happened.
In order to start getting recovering from an affair, you need to do two things: (1) lay all of your cards on the table, and (2) stop all communication with the “affair partner.” Once an affair is discovered, both of you will feel hurt, upset, and somewhat numb. The worst thing that could happen at this point would be for any other bombs to be dropped on the relationship. It is for this reason that I suggest absolutely no contact with the affair partner. There may be some cases where this is impossible, but to the greatest extent possible, eliminate any and all contact with the affair partner. You also need to be open and honest about what happened in the affair and what led up to the affair. These items should be discussed with great care and sensitivity. Many people ask me, “Kathy, can’t we just skip over those details? Won’t those details just hurt her more?” The answer is no. I have found that people’s own imaginations of what might have happened during an affair to be far more hurtful than hearing what really happened.
Affair Recovery: 10 Things You Need to Know
One of you will go through a grieving process; the other will go through a withdrawal process.
When innocent spouses learn their partner has had an affair, they usually feel sickened and shocked. After the shock has worn off, anger and profound hurt set in. The process of grieving has been broken down into five steps: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. If you have just learned that your spouse has had an affair, it’s likely that you will go through all six of these stages. You will need additional emotional support during this time, so it is important to find a close friend, of the same sex, to whom you can talk to about your feelings. If you have just ended an affair, it is likely that you will go through a parallel process where you experience “withdrawal” symptoms. Much like one who has just stopped drinking or stopped doing any pleasurable activity, you may experience anxiety, cravings and discomfort. This is normal and to be expected. Many people find it advantageous to talk to their MD about taking some medication to help them cope with these withdrawal symptoms. You will need additional emotional support during this time, so it is important to find a close friend, of the same sex, to whom you can talk to about your feelings. For both of you: It will take time for you to heal from an affair – 6 months is often the minimum.
When innocent spouses learn their partner has had an affair, they usually feel sickened and shocked. After the shock has worn off, anger and profound hurt set in. The process of grieving has been broken down into five steps: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. If you have just learned that your spouse has had an affair, it’s likely that you will go through all six of these stages. You will need additional emotional support during this time, so it is important to find a close friend, of the same sex, to whom you can talk to about your feelings. If you have just ended an affair, it is likely that you will go through a parallel process where you experience “withdrawal” symptoms. Much like one who has just stopped drinking or stopped doing any pleasurable activity, you may experience anxiety, cravings and discomfort. This is normal and to be expected. Many people find it advantageous to talk to their MD about taking some medication to help them cope with these withdrawal symptoms. You will need additional emotional support during this time, so it is important to find a close friend, of the same sex, to whom you can talk to about your feelings. For both of you: It will take time for you to heal from an affair – 6 months is often the minimum.
Affair Recovery: 10 Things You Need to Know
An affair does not mean your partner does not love you or that your relationship is over.
Affairs usually happen because one of the partners has some unmet emotional need. A need arises, the partner will typically mention it to their spouse repeatedly, the need continues to go unmet, and the partner decides it is best to look outside the relationship for someone to meet the need instead of asking the spouse. What is interesting is that the “affair partner” usually only meets one or two emotional needs, while the spouse continues to meet the rest of them. So it’s as if the “offending spouse” only gets 10% of what they need from the affair, far less than the 90% that is met by the “innocent spouse”, yet deprivation of that 10% is so important that it drives the spouse to find someone to help him/her meet those needs. We need to understand what the 10% is and make sure it is addressed in the marriage.
Affairs usually happen because one of the partners has some unmet emotional need. A need arises, the partner will typically mention it to their spouse repeatedly, the need continues to go unmet, and the partner decides it is best to look outside the relationship for someone to meet the need instead of asking the spouse. What is interesting is that the “affair partner” usually only meets one or two emotional needs, while the spouse continues to meet the rest of them. So it’s as if the “offending spouse” only gets 10% of what they need from the affair, far less than the 90% that is met by the “innocent spouse”, yet deprivation of that 10% is so important that it drives the spouse to find someone to help him/her meet those needs. We need to understand what the 10% is and make sure it is addressed in the marriage.
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