My very best tip for stopping an argument: When responding to your partner during a discussion, first respond to their emotion (are they sad? hurt? angry? frustrated?) and then respond to the content.
For example, in response to "When you are not here for dinner, I miss you and I feel like our time together is not important to you. I'd really like it if you could make it a priority to be here by 6pm, or if not, just call me and let me know when to expect you." I might say, "Sweetheart, I am sorry that I hurt you by not being home for dinner. You are a priority to me and I will make sure to be home or let you know."
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
Saturday, September 22, 2007
Secrets to Listening
"I just want you to listen!" It sounds so easy - so if it is, why does it seem so hard? We're in these relationships and we hear what sound like simple requests and yet somehow, it seems we're making mistakes. It's likely that when your partner asks you to listen to them, they're really saying so much more. They're saying "pay attention, show me that you've heard me, and show me that you care." These tips are designed especially for you:
Secrets to Listening
1. Actively listen. Listen for what is right, what is true, what is useful, and for what makes sense in what your partner says. If you can find some truth in what your partner says and acknowledge that, it will do wonders.
2. Instead of saying "but," say "and". Here are some examples - but statement: "You could go play poker with the guys, but you promised me you'd clean the garage." And statement: "I think it would be great if this weekend you could play poker with the guys and clean the garage."
3. Pay attention to your body language. Sit down, uncross your arms and your legs, relax your hands, unfurl your brow, and just look calmly and casually at the other person. Be sure you're both sitting at the same height so that you can look eye to eye.
4. Focus on what your partner is saying, you can look for the TV remote in a few minutes.
5. No one expects you to fix everything or know everything, just listen and be sensitive.
6. Avoid listening like a lawyer, judge or a detective. You're not trying to find fault or start a fight, you're listening to learn.
7. Repeat what you've heard and show that you understand. It's magic to say, "So it sounds like you'd really like me to spend more time helping the kids with their homework and tomorrow night I will check with them before we eat dinner." You can also show you understand by repeating what you heard, nodding your head, asking a question to clarify what you heard, or making a statement that builds on what your partner has said.
8. Express empathy. Here's a great template: "I can understand that you're _________________, if that happened to me, I'd feel the same way."
Secrets to Listening
1. Actively listen. Listen for what is right, what is true, what is useful, and for what makes sense in what your partner says. If you can find some truth in what your partner says and acknowledge that, it will do wonders.
2. Instead of saying "but," say "and". Here are some examples - but statement: "You could go play poker with the guys, but you promised me you'd clean the garage." And statement: "I think it would be great if this weekend you could play poker with the guys and clean the garage."
3. Pay attention to your body language. Sit down, uncross your arms and your legs, relax your hands, unfurl your brow, and just look calmly and casually at the other person. Be sure you're both sitting at the same height so that you can look eye to eye.
4. Focus on what your partner is saying, you can look for the TV remote in a few minutes.
5. No one expects you to fix everything or know everything, just listen and be sensitive.
6. Avoid listening like a lawyer, judge or a detective. You're not trying to find fault or start a fight, you're listening to learn.
7. Repeat what you've heard and show that you understand. It's magic to say, "So it sounds like you'd really like me to spend more time helping the kids with their homework and tomorrow night I will check with them before we eat dinner." You can also show you understand by repeating what you heard, nodding your head, asking a question to clarify what you heard, or making a statement that builds on what your partner has said.
8. Express empathy. Here's a great template: "I can understand that you're _________________, if that happened to me, I'd feel the same way."
Hope this helps - let me know, I'd love to hear from you!
-Dr. Kathy
__________________________________
Dr. Kathy Nickerson is an expert counselor who helps couples and families improve and strengthen their relationships. She specializes in marriage counseling, couples counseling, and pre-marital counseling. Many of her Kathy's materials, including audio recordings of the how-to questions she is most frequently asked, are available at no cost on her website: www.DrKathyNickerson.com. Kathy would love to hear from you and she may be reached at 949.222.6688 or via email to drkathynickerson@yahoo.com.
Top 10 Tips For Talking
So many of the couples I work with struggle to really talk to each other. They often tell me, "He just doesn't get it, why doesn't he understand what I am saying?" Others will say, "I've told her 47 times that I will get to it when I get to it, why won't she leave me alone?" There's a lot of reasons why these types of communication problems happen with couples; so if your relationship could use a communication boost - these tips should get you on the right track!
Secrets to Talking
1. Say what’s on your mind. Express your concerns, worries and fears. Problems don’t get better if we ignore them.Really say what you mean. Don’t hint, just kindly ask for what you want or need. Hinting statement: “Don’t you think it’s hot in here?” Kind request: “Honey, would you please adjust the AC? I am really hot.”
2. Beware of ESP, wishing and wondering. Don’t expect someone to read your mind. ESP example: “What is he doing over there? Doesn’t he know I need help?” Wishing statement: “I sure wish you’d go with me. You know I don’t like to go alone.” Wondering statement: “I wonder if you’re concerned about the dishes piling up?”
3. Say what you want, not what you don’t want. We often spend more time saying what we do not want, which leaves our partner wondering what we do want. Make it easy on them: tell them what you want. Don’t want statement: “I don’t want to go to that boring movie.” Do want statement: “I really want to go see that new Anthony Hopkins thriller.”
4. Make requests instead of complaints. Complaint: “I don’t like that outfit you’re wearing.” Request: “That outfit is pretty casual for the restaurant we’re going to. I’d feel more comfortable if you wore something a little dressier, especially since I am wearing a suit.”
5. Use gentle, calming and emotional words. Inflammatory statement: “Mark, stop driving like a maniac! You’re going to get us killed, and when you make those sharp turns, I want to throw up!” Calming statement: “Mark, I’m feeling a little sick. Would you please drive more slowly?”
6. Speak about yourself instead of speaking for the other person. Speaking for someone else: “You make me feel unattractive: you never compliment me.” Speaking about yourself: “I feel unattractive. When you don’t compliment me, I think I must not look good to you.”
7. Use “I” statements. Your statement: “You never help me around the house!” I statement: “I’m really pretty wiped out. Would you please help me with the laundry?”
8. Try the magic expression: “When you _____, I _____.” This works wonders with almost any situation. If you use the template above, you can tell your partner what they are doing or saying that is hurting you and then follow it up with a request.
9. Sprinkle your conversations with terms of endearment. When you start a chat with, "Sweetheart, I understand what you're saying and........" it does amazing things. A word infused with love can diffuse a lot of anger.
10. Five things to avoid: Guessing what your partner is feeling, guessing what your partner is thinking, labeling your partner, criticizing your partner and commanding your partner to do or not do something.
Hope this helps - let me know, I'd love to hear from you!
-Dr. Kathy
__________________________________
Dr. Kathy Nickerson is an expert counselor who helps couples and families improve and strengthen their relationships. She specializes in marriage counseling, couples counseling, and pre-marital counseling. Many of her Kathy's materials, including audio recordings of the how-to questions she is most frequently asked, are available at no cost on her website: www.DrKathyNickerson.com. Kathy would love to hear from you and she may be reached at 949.222.6688 or via email to drkathynickerson@yahoo.com.
Secrets to Talking
1. Say what’s on your mind. Express your concerns, worries and fears. Problems don’t get better if we ignore them.Really say what you mean. Don’t hint, just kindly ask for what you want or need. Hinting statement: “Don’t you think it’s hot in here?” Kind request: “Honey, would you please adjust the AC? I am really hot.”
2. Beware of ESP, wishing and wondering. Don’t expect someone to read your mind. ESP example: “What is he doing over there? Doesn’t he know I need help?” Wishing statement: “I sure wish you’d go with me. You know I don’t like to go alone.” Wondering statement: “I wonder if you’re concerned about the dishes piling up?”
3. Say what you want, not what you don’t want. We often spend more time saying what we do not want, which leaves our partner wondering what we do want. Make it easy on them: tell them what you want. Don’t want statement: “I don’t want to go to that boring movie.” Do want statement: “I really want to go see that new Anthony Hopkins thriller.”
4. Make requests instead of complaints. Complaint: “I don’t like that outfit you’re wearing.” Request: “That outfit is pretty casual for the restaurant we’re going to. I’d feel more comfortable if you wore something a little dressier, especially since I am wearing a suit.”
5. Use gentle, calming and emotional words. Inflammatory statement: “Mark, stop driving like a maniac! You’re going to get us killed, and when you make those sharp turns, I want to throw up!” Calming statement: “Mark, I’m feeling a little sick. Would you please drive more slowly?”
6. Speak about yourself instead of speaking for the other person. Speaking for someone else: “You make me feel unattractive: you never compliment me.” Speaking about yourself: “I feel unattractive. When you don’t compliment me, I think I must not look good to you.”
7. Use “I” statements. Your statement: “You never help me around the house!” I statement: “I’m really pretty wiped out. Would you please help me with the laundry?”
8. Try the magic expression: “When you _____, I _____.” This works wonders with almost any situation. If you use the template above, you can tell your partner what they are doing or saying that is hurting you and then follow it up with a request.
9. Sprinkle your conversations with terms of endearment. When you start a chat with, "Sweetheart, I understand what you're saying and........" it does amazing things. A word infused with love can diffuse a lot of anger.
10. Five things to avoid: Guessing what your partner is feeling, guessing what your partner is thinking, labeling your partner, criticizing your partner and commanding your partner to do or not do something.
Hope this helps - let me know, I'd love to hear from you!
-Dr. Kathy
__________________________________
Dr. Kathy Nickerson is an expert counselor who helps couples and families improve and strengthen their relationships. She specializes in marriage counseling, couples counseling, and pre-marital counseling. Many of her Kathy's materials, including audio recordings of the how-to questions she is most frequently asked, are available at no cost on her website: www.DrKathyNickerson.com. Kathy would love to hear from you and she may be reached at 949.222.6688 or via email to drkathynickerson@yahoo.com.
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