Repairing Your Relationship – A 7 Step Process

From many studies of successfully married couples, we know that in order to repair your relationship, there are three essential changes to be made:
1. We must increase your positive emotions overall
2. We must decrease the negative emotions you have during disagreements
3. We must increase the positive emotions and repair efforts made during a disagreement

In order to achieve these essential changes, there are seven steps, each with their own goals and tasks, that must be successfully achieved. These goals and tasks are summarized below:

Step 1 - Reconnection
Getting to know each other again
Devoting time to the relationship
Friendship building activities
Increasing positivity
Healing begins

Step 2 - Shared Fondness and Admiration
Expressing appreciation
Increasing gratitude and positive communication
Praising your partner for doing well
Encouraging relationship enhancing thoughts
Expressing fondness and admiration in everyday life

Step 3 - Deepening the Connection
Building an emotional bank account
Working as a team
Turning towards each other, as opposed to turning away
Allowing your partner to influence you

Step 4 - Positive Sentiment Override
Managing and reducing stress
Challenging distress maintaining thoughts
Negotiating power
Starting rituals of connection
Processing failed bids for connection

Step 5 - Conflict Management
Differentiating solvable problems from perpetual problems
Catching the 4 Horsemen
Softening the start-up
Structured listening; communicating without blame
Learning to repair and soothe
Accepting influence
Compromising and understanding triggers
Dialoguing peacefully about perpetual problems

Step 6 - Creating Shared Meaning
Establishing connection rituals
Establishing goals and plans
Sharing dreams, ideas, values
Honoring each other

Step 7 - Relapse Prevention
Thanksgiving and appreciation
Spending Time together (magic five 30-minute segments)
Emotional Communication
Using solid repair strategies
Markers of divorce are all reduced