Relationships deteriorate and improve by a known process.

There is a relationship deterioration cycle and it goes like this:

1. Partners fight constantly without any resolution; both people feel upset and flooded with negative emotion.

2. Both partners feel they have “severe” problems.

3. One or both partners try to work out their problems alone.

4. One or both partners start leading parallel lives, where there is little or no connection or overlap between these lives.

5. Loneliness sets in.

6. Partners become emotionally numb, there is no fondness or admiration left. Many choose to divorce.

Just as relationships deteriorate by a know process, they are repaired through a known process. This process is the seven step process in the chart. A study by the California Divorce Mediation Project showed that 80% of divorcing couples cited “growing apart, losing a sense of closeness, not feeling loved or appreciated” as the reason for divorce. Only 40% cited severe and intense fighting. This and many other studies shows us that our focus must be on increasing positive emotion first, then we can deal with negative emotions and conflict.