We know a couple of key things about couples who are struggling: (1) they are trapped in a negative cycle, where they seem stuck in the same hurtful spiral, and (2) the key to breaking the cycle is emotion!
The cycle is a never-ending feedback loop, where we make each other out to be the bad guy. Everyone feels hurt, unheard, and pushed away when we're caught in a cycle/spiral. When we're in the cycle, the more one of you attacks, the more dangerous you appear to be, the more we look for attacks, the harder we hit back.
So we must break the cycle..... There are two important steps you can take now to breaking the cycle:
First, realize that the cycle - not your partner - is the enemy. You are not each other's enemy, you love each other. We are never more emotional than when our primary love relationship is threatened, so if both of you are acting in negative ways, that make lots of sense to me. You're both hurt and upset.
Second, negative cycles always start when one person reaches out for the other and could not make safe emotional connection. We are really moved when those we love show their deepest emotions to us, but to do that, we have to feel safe.
So your goal is to identify your cycle, recognize how you impact your partner, then become a safer, more vulnerable person for your partner to open up to.
If you'd like, come join me for "Togetherness Tuesdays" on www.FeelBetterNetwork.com, where I run a free clinic all day - you can ask me any relationship question you like and I will respond back with custom advice, just for you!
Warmly,
Dr. Kathy Nickerson
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