Through the years, I've spent a lot of time refining the do's and don'ts of good communication. This list has affectionately become know as my rules for fighting fair. The idea is that we should strive to do as much as we can on the do list, while minimizing the things we do on the don't list.
If you're working on your relationship, pick just one task from the list below to focus on for a week. Pay attention to how making that change affects the rest of your relationship. If it makes an improvement, even a small one, keep doing that task and add another one when you feel ready. Ultimately, the secret to changing your relationship is to make small changes often and keep doing the things that make the relationship better.
DO:
• Soften up
• Be gentle and kind
• Reassure your partner
• Be empathetic and compassionate
• Take responsibility for what you can
• Ask for what you need to feel better
• Complain without blaming the other person
• Try to see the other person's perspective
• Focus on feelings
• Stay with the here and now
• Take breaks
• Try to find a solution
• Try to help your partner feel better
• Say loving things, like compliments or praise or concessions, during a fight
• Stop when you feel like you're losing self-control
DON'T
• Attack
• Insult
• Blame
• Judge or label
• Withdraw
• Criticize
• Call names
• Be defensive
• Use profanity
• Call the other "crazy"
• Assassinate character
• Play games
• Make threats
• Yell, throw or hit
• Give ultimatums
• Threaten divorce
• Bring up every problem or fight you've ever had
• Give silent treatment
• Bring in other people or their opinions
• Walk away without saying you'll be back later
Read more on my website: www.drkathynickerson.com
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