Fake it 'til you make it: Good advice or bad strategy?

For a long time, therapists have encouraged clients to just hang in there and fake their feelings or mood until that mood actually started to manifest itself. This is not terrible advice, especially when it comes to anxiety or depression treatment, if you're feeling down and have no desire to go out and spend time with friends, it is a good idea to push yourself to get out and pretend that you're having a good time. Truth is, if you do this enough, your depression will usually start to get better and you won't be faking enjoyment very long.

However, when it comes to relationship problems, faking it can be very problematic. When we force ourselves to fake a feeling, especially love or admiration, we often become very resentful. It's very hard to lie to yourself and make something that bothers you seem ok.

A classic example of this is trying to fake loving feelings when your spouse has had an affair. If one were to pretend that everything was fine and just go ahead and fake good feelings throughout the day, hurt would quickly turn into anger and anger would turn into deep resentment. The bottom line is that you can't lie to yourself and just fake it when you're really hurt. You have to be honest with yourself and try to work through those feelings.

Instead of trying to fake it, try to talk about it and find a way to normalize it. Let's say that you're feeling like your spouse is a bad, gross, vulgar, awful person because you found out they've been cheating. This is a really normal initial thought. Don't like to yourself and say, "Oh well, it's no big deal." It is a big deal. Instead, try to turn down the intensity of the thought by looking at the behaviors in a less critical way. You could think, "Ok, he had an affair. That behavior is totally wrong and not acceptable. That behavior was wrong, that choice was wrong and I don't like that he did it, but he as a person is not completely horrible."

If you can find a way to be honest yet gentle with yourself and try to find a way to think about things that makes them more acceptable, you'll do far better than trying to fake anything.

I'd love to hear how this strategy works for you. Please feel free to drop me a note. :)

Warmly,
Dr Kathy