6 Signs you're in a healthy relationship

Not long ago, I published an article about six qualities to admire in others, and the response was extraordinary. I prefaced the article by saying that the six I mentioned were by far not an exhaustive list, but included those traits that seemed especially hard to find. In reading all of the comments, however, I was inspired to write a follow-up list that covers some of the other qualities that I, as well as others, believe to be important when looking for friendships and relationships with others.

Our relationships are vital to our mental well-being. However, toxic relationships can really do a number on our happiness and outlook on life. As a result, it is important to look for individuals who possess qualities that allow for healthy relationships. Although, once again, not an exhaustive list, the qualities listed below are those that should be at the very heart of a healthy relationship. And, just as you would expect your friend, family member or loved one to display these qualities, it is just as important to reciprocate.

Loyalty: Whether it's in friendships or in family, loyalty is truly important to maintain a healthy relationship. All of us are guilty, at one time or another, of making mistakes, having ups and downs, and even displaying some behavior that we may not always be proud of. When we find friends or loved ones who can forgive us and stand by us…even during our worst moments…we should be especially grateful. That said, loyalty should never be taken for granted and we should always be deeply appreciative when it comes our way.

Respect: I once knew an individual who was very opinionated about political topics. She would talk down to people who disagreed with her and would be very disrespectful. Not only did she make people feel stomped on, but she left many disinterested in friendship. Treating others with kindness and the respect they deserve is important in gaining the respect that WE desire. It never feels good to be taken for granted, judged or used and it doesn’t feel good to be talked down to or treated rudely or inappropriately. There will be times that we may not always have full agreement with our friends or loved ones, but respecting them along the way is a must.

Unconditionally There: There is nothing worse than having someone always resurface in your life when they are in need, are looking for something or need a favor. In a culture of “you scratch my back, and I’ll scratch yours,” it is somewhat rare to find those “who just scratch your back,” period. Finding individuals who want you in their lives just because…and not because they want something in return is refreshing and worth holding on to. Those who are generous of heart are to be treasured!

Trustworthy: I once worked with a woman who, within my first week on the job, felt the need to tell me all of the intimate details of the various extra-marital affairs that had occurred with the management of the firm. She was supposedly friends with these people and I have no doubt, was told this information in the most strictest of confidences. How she felt it was appropriate to divulge this information to a new-hire like me, I still have no idea. But, it was her nature to gossip about everyone and everything. If you share something in confidence, you should be able to trust that the information will remain that way.

A Genuine Sounding Board: Taking a genuine interest in what others have to say and really listening to someone is important in developing solid relationships. Letting go of the “me, me, me” and focusing on the other person not only makes the other person feel valued and appreciated, but they feel that they can really talk to someone who cares. Those who take the time to really listen to our thoughts and feelings, and then help us work through difficult times and situations, share our lives at a much deeper level than those who don’t. These are individuals worth hanging on to.

Dependability: I had a friend who frequently would RSVP to small gatherings and then would never show. They never explained…never brought it up…and never apologized. Although this example is somewhat trivial, it still makes the point. Obviously there are times when things come up that prevent individuals from following through on what they promise, but if a friend, co-worker or family member perpetually drops the ball, they may be sending you a message. If a friend says they are going to do something or be somewhere, you should be able to count on them. And, in reciprocation, they you.

What traits do you look for in a friend or partner? Are your relationships healthy?

Source: http://shine.yahoo.com/channel/life/6-signs-youre-in-a-healthy-relationship-1096749/

Constant fighting is not as worrisome as numbness.

If you and your partner are fighting all the time, this is not as worrisome as you may think. It is not fun and it certainly does not feel good, but fighting is a form of communication. While you are fighting, you are still trying to communicate. Much more worrisome is when people give up on fighting, stop trying to communicate at all, shut down and go numb.

Look out for the four horsemen!

John Gottman, a leading marriage researcher, has identified 4 behaviors to be on the look-out for in any relationship. These behaviors, known as the four horsemen, erode the foundation of your marriage:

1.Criticism - speaking negatively about your partner’s character or personality.

2.Contempt – sarcasm, cynicism, name-calling, eye-rolling, sneering, mockery, hostile humor.

3.Stonewalling – turning away from your partner, tuning them out, ignoring your partner.

4.Defensiveness – defending yourself by blaming your partner.

You don’t necessarily need to solve all of your problems, you need to find a way to talk about them.

Not every problem is going to be solvable. The good news is that you don’t need to solve every problem in order to have a successful relationship. What seems to be most important is whether or not a couple can establish a dialogue about their perpetual problems. They may come to some acceptance of the problem and they can communicate about it with affection and amusement.

Behaviors that keep us close and those that push us away

Wondering which of your behaviors keep your relationship close? Or which ones push partners apart? Many researchers have asked these very questions of different couples and these are a few of their responses:

Behaviors that create closeness:
Accepting
Soothing
Reassuring
Comforting
Discussing; not arguing
Listening
Talking
Spending time together
Acting in ways that show care, concern, and interest

Behaviors that create distance and discomfort in a relationship:
Lying
Blaming
Criticizing
Judging
Manipulating
Rewarding to control (where you give someone a reward to try to shape/change their behavior in a somewhat manipulative or controlling way)
Iolating (Keeping your partner away from important things, activities, or people in his/her life)
Nagging
Questioning

In looking at this list, what do you think? What would you add to this list? I look forward to hearing your thoughts.