Want To Improve Your Marriage? Make Small Changes, Often.
 
Many of the couples who come to my office want to "fix" their relationship and report that they have "a lot of work to do." Wonderful, I say! But what I also say is: the secret to truly changing anything in our lives is to make small changes often, not one huge sweeping change.

Think about it like this: have you ever tried to go on a really restrictive diet? One where you had to stop eating everything you love? Ok, remember that feeling of deprivation and misery? That's how making giant changes all at once feels: foreign and painful. We never want relationship repair to feel that way. Rather, we want to make little changes, one at a time, that will add up to a big change overall.

I look at the process of healing a relationship like a ladder. Imagine yourself starting near the bottom, then conceptualize what is on the next step. Focus on doing something small to get the two of you to the next step. Once you've mastered that, then focus on the next step. And so on.

Often it's hard to know what that first step should be. To determine that, I'd suggest asking your spouse this: what's one thing I can do to make you feel calmer, safer or better about us? If the answer is vague, ask for specifics. Then try that one thing; truly, doing one small thing often can add up to a lot of improvement in the long run!

I wish you well!

-Dr Kathy


Dr Kathy Nickerson is an expert marriage counselor in Orange County, California. Her practice focuses on preventing divorce, helping marriages thrive, improving communication in couples, and affair recovery. You can learn more at www.DrKathyNickerson.com.

Affair Recovery: 10 Things You Need to Know

Trust must be gradually and slowly rebuilt.

Once an affair is disclosed or discovered, the innocent spouse typically finds it very difficult to trust their spouse at all. The affair has likely rocked the innocent spouse to the core; many find themselves wondering if they can trust anything they thoughts they knew about their partner. So it would be unreasonable for an offending spouse to expect to be fully trusted; innocent spouses need time to grieve and time to learn that they can trust you again. Trust is earned and after an affair, the best way for trust to be rebuilt is to keep no secrets and make your life an open book. I have found that couples who recover from affairs the fastest are (1) open to allowing their spouse to have total access to their lives and communication devices, and (2) open to discussing and explaining communication anomalies. As such, I believe that offending spouses should allow their spouses to monitor their phone calls, their emails, their mail…at least for a while. All of us have a desire for privacy, but if you’ve had an affair, you need to let go of your privacy needs for a while in order to allow your spouse to come to know that you have truly ended your affair.

The thing you are ripening towards....

Hi friends. I was browsing through a book store last week and came across the most amazing book - BLOOM by Kobi Yamada. It's a collection of inspirational quotes and thoughts.

This one was especially moving...

The thing you are ripening towards is the fruit of your life. It will make you bright inside, no matter what you are on the outside. It is a shining thing.-Stuart Edward White

I might have changed it to say that YOU are a shining thing.

When we are struggling through a hard time in our lives, it's so natural to turn our thoughts to all of our flaws. It's so easy to forget that there's so much good in us. That we are all works in progress and that we are all becoming better, taller, stronger, brighter every day.I hope this quote touches you and inspires you to bloom into all that you're meant to be.

Warmly,Kathy

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Dr. Kathy Nickerson is an expert counselor who helps couples and families improve and strengthen their relationships. She specializes in marriage counseling, couples counseling, and pre-marital counseling. Many of her Kathy's materials, including audio recordings of the how-to questions she is most frequently asked, are available at no cost on her website: www.DrKathyNickerson.com. Kathy would love to hear from you and she may be reached at 949.222.6688 or via email to drkathynickerson@yahoo.com.

New Year, Renewed Relationship

Did you know that you are biologically engineered to be close to a partner? Emotional closeness doesn’t accidentally happen; it’s some thing that is achieved by paying attention to your relationship every day. As the New Year begins, try implementing some of these tips to get closer to your spouse.

Ways to Get Closer:

Be honest and kind. In order to really connect with your spouse, you need to say what’s on your mind in an honest and kind way. Closeness depends on openness, which means you need to share your innermost thoughts with the one you love. You’ll get great results if you can share your thoughts in a simple, loving way.

Ask for what you need. Your partner cannot read your mind and probably does not have ESP. So make life easy and ask for what you need. Simply and calmly state what you feel and what would make you feel better. Ask your partner for the specific kind of help you want.

Be a team player. The strength of a team is that different people with different talents get together to perform better than they could alone. The same is true with your relationship: you bring a unique skill set and so does your partner. Approach challenges with this mindset and work together towards a solution that makes the most out of your combined strengths.

Try a little tenderness. Be gentle with the people you love. We often reserve our worst behavior for the people we love the most because, we reason, they won’t ever leave us. Truth is, we all need acceptance and kindness from our loved ones.

Ask questions. If you don't understand or like something your partner is doing, ask about it and why he or she is doing it. Explore the behavior and try to find some part you can relate to. Avoid assuming and attacking.

Solve problems as they come up. Don’t spend time assuming and simmering about a problem; talk about how your feeling, ask for what you need to get over it, then move on.

Me Minutes:

Spend 10 minutes in a quiet place reflecting on the following question: What do I really need to feel loved an appreciated? Jot down your thoughts and list ways specific ways your partner can help you. Ask your spouse to do this same exercise. Plan a special night where the two of you can share your responses.

Hope this helps - let me know, I'd love to hear from you!
-Dr. Kathy
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Dr. Kathy Nickerson is an expert counselor who helps couples and families improve and strengthen their relationships. She specializes in marriage counseling, couples counseling, and pre-marital counseling. Many of her Kathy's materials, including audio recordings of the how-to questions she is most frequently asked, are available at no cost on her website: www.DrKathyNickerson.com. Kathy would love to hear from you and she may be reached at 949.222.6688 or via email to drkathynickerson@yahoo.com.

This article is from OH Magazine, to be published in January, 2008; more information available at www.obesityhelp.com.