Actively look for the good; find something to appreciate about the other one.
To speed up the healing of your relationship, actively look for the good. By this, I mean look for the good things in your life, the good ways you feel, the good behaviors of your spouse. Comment on these things and express some joy and gratitude. Too often when we are feeling badly, we only focus on the negative aspects of our relationships and our lives. Force yourself out of this pattern and into the practice of catching the other one in the act of doing something good. Also, wrap up each day by expressing some appreciation for the other one. I frequently ask my couples to start doing the Appreciation Exercise daily. The Appreciation Exercise is simply the act of telling your spouse, “Thank you for _____________________, I really appreciated that because __________________________.” Each member of the couple should do this daily.
Showing posts with label healing from affair. Show all posts
Showing posts with label healing from affair. Show all posts
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Affair Recovery: 10 Things You Need to Know
Create shared meaning, goals, things to look forward to.
Once your relationship has stabilized a bit, it is important to reintroduce shared meaning. Shared meaning is a fancy way of saying things in common, shared experience, things to look forward to, or common goals. By establishing shared meaning and common goals, you reconnect to your spouse, you act as part of a team, and you reassure the other one by showing that they are important enough for you to make future life plans with. So as you are healing, start talking about where you’d like to be in 1, 5, 10 years; talk about what you’d like to do personally and professionally in the near future, make pans for a family trip, create a family project. Closeness breeds closeness, so get as close as you can to your spouse by intertwining your lives as much as possible.
Once your relationship has stabilized a bit, it is important to reintroduce shared meaning. Shared meaning is a fancy way of saying things in common, shared experience, things to look forward to, or common goals. By establishing shared meaning and common goals, you reconnect to your spouse, you act as part of a team, and you reassure the other one by showing that they are important enough for you to make future life plans with. So as you are healing, start talking about where you’d like to be in 1, 5, 10 years; talk about what you’d like to do personally and professionally in the near future, make pans for a family trip, create a family project. Closeness breeds closeness, so get as close as you can to your spouse by intertwining your lives as much as possible.
Affair Recovery: 10 Things You Need to Know
Listen for emotional language; Follow the emotions.
The most important thing to talk about, and listen for, is emotional language. Emotional language sounds like “I felt so scared…,” where scared and fearful is the emotion. It can also sound like, “When I heard about that, I was so angry…,” where the emotional word was angry, letting you know your partner is hurt and angry. Try to really listen for these emotional clues. When you hear an emotional word, make a note of it and follow the emotion. Reassure your partner and ask for more detail by saying, “I heard you say you were so angry, I am so sorry you felt that way, can you help me understand why?” As you follow the emotions, your goal is to acknowledge the emotion, express some sympathy, ask for clarification, and then give true and genuine reassurance to your partner.
The most important thing to talk about, and listen for, is emotional language. Emotional language sounds like “I felt so scared…,” where scared and fearful is the emotion. It can also sound like, “When I heard about that, I was so angry…,” where the emotional word was angry, letting you know your partner is hurt and angry. Try to really listen for these emotional clues. When you hear an emotional word, make a note of it and follow the emotion. Reassure your partner and ask for more detail by saying, “I heard you say you were so angry, I am so sorry you felt that way, can you help me understand why?” As you follow the emotions, your goal is to acknowledge the emotion, express some sympathy, ask for clarification, and then give true and genuine reassurance to your partner.
Affair Recovery: 10 Things You Need to Know
Talk daily about each other’s day; talk weekly about your relationship.
As I mentioned above, relationship talks are usually quite stressful for both partners. As such, I like to start couples with the idea that everyday is for everyday talk; relationship talk is something you should only do once a week. This is a goal, not a rule…so if you need to talk more, go ahead. But in my experience, most couples have better, more productive talks when they think about how they’re feeling each week and that choose which items to share in their State of the Union talk. Every day, you need to carve out time to talk to your partner about their day, their thoughts, their feelings, their fears. Again, anything and everything can be talked about, except the relationship.
As I mentioned above, relationship talks are usually quite stressful for both partners. As such, I like to start couples with the idea that everyday is for everyday talk; relationship talk is something you should only do once a week. This is a goal, not a rule…so if you need to talk more, go ahead. But in my experience, most couples have better, more productive talks when they think about how they’re feeling each week and that choose which items to share in their State of the Union talk. Every day, you need to carve out time to talk to your partner about their day, their thoughts, their feelings, their fears. Again, anything and everything can be talked about, except the relationship.
Affair Recovery: 10 Things You Need to Know
Manage your anxiety and talk about the relationship once a week.
It has been said that one of the best things for partners in distress to do is to learn how to manage their own anxiety. Simply put: discussing your relationship day in and day out is a sure-fire way to bring more stress into the relationship. Most men have a very hard time recovering from relationship discussions, so having a daily chat about your union will keep men in an uncomfortable place. The goal is for each of you to feel safe, comfortable, and secure, so we need to create an environment that fosters these feelings. I recommend couples do two things: (1) manage their own individual anxiety by writing in a journal, taking a yoga class, and/or doing something that reduces stress, like going for a walk, and (2) have a “state of the union” talk once per week. In this talk, which should be during a low-stress time, such as a weekend afternoon, I’d like the two of you to sit down in a comfortable place and talk about how you’ve been feeling about the relationship. Each person should be allotted 20-30 minutes to talk about what they’ve been feeling, with the other one listening, making eye contact, taking notes, and focusing on giving the other spouse support and reassurance. Remember that your goal is to soothe your spouse, not put on your best defense. Don’t worry about defending yourself, just listen and try to connect with the emotions that your partner is sharing.
It has been said that one of the best things for partners in distress to do is to learn how to manage their own anxiety. Simply put: discussing your relationship day in and day out is a sure-fire way to bring more stress into the relationship. Most men have a very hard time recovering from relationship discussions, so having a daily chat about your union will keep men in an uncomfortable place. The goal is for each of you to feel safe, comfortable, and secure, so we need to create an environment that fosters these feelings. I recommend couples do two things: (1) manage their own individual anxiety by writing in a journal, taking a yoga class, and/or doing something that reduces stress, like going for a walk, and (2) have a “state of the union” talk once per week. In this talk, which should be during a low-stress time, such as a weekend afternoon, I’d like the two of you to sit down in a comfortable place and talk about how you’ve been feeling about the relationship. Each person should be allotted 20-30 minutes to talk about what they’ve been feeling, with the other one listening, making eye contact, taking notes, and focusing on giving the other spouse support and reassurance. Remember that your goal is to soothe your spouse, not put on your best defense. Don’t worry about defending yourself, just listen and try to connect with the emotions that your partner is sharing.
Affair Recovery: 10 Things You Need to Know
Drill down on your emotions.
I’ve met many couples that come through counseling after an affair having a stronger marriage than they did before. The reason for this is that they took the time to really drill down on their emotions and look for the reasons and unmet needs that prompted them to turn away from their spouse and find someone else. If you’re recovering from an affair, it’s key that you take some time to think about the following key questions and find a gentle way to share this information with your spouse:
- How were you feeling in the marriage before the affair?
- What do you think your relationship was missing?
- What did you get out of having an affair?
- What made it difficult to turn towards your spouse and talk about what you were missing?
- What do you really want and need from your partner in order to feel comfortable, safe, and loved?
Affair Recovery: 10 Things You Need to Know
Your old relationship doesn’t live there any more.
Many people will ask me, “Can’t we just forgive and forget?” Others ask me, “How do we get back to the way things were?” Unfortunately, the answer to both questions is that it’s not possible. It’s not possible to just forgive and forget, emotions don’t work like that and they don’t turn on a dime. Real healing takes the slow build-up of trust and the experience, over a long period of time, that you are again a safe, secure, and comfortable person for your spouse to lean on. As for getting back to the way things were, we need to remember that your affair happened because of they way things were, so we don’t really want to get back to that place. Rather, we need to closely look at what was missing from the relationship before that caused you (or your partner) to go outside the relationship for comfort and support from someone else.
Many people will ask me, “Can’t we just forgive and forget?” Others ask me, “How do we get back to the way things were?” Unfortunately, the answer to both questions is that it’s not possible. It’s not possible to just forgive and forget, emotions don’t work like that and they don’t turn on a dime. Real healing takes the slow build-up of trust and the experience, over a long period of time, that you are again a safe, secure, and comfortable person for your spouse to lean on. As for getting back to the way things were, we need to remember that your affair happened because of they way things were, so we don’t really want to get back to that place. Rather, we need to closely look at what was missing from the relationship before that caused you (or your partner) to go outside the relationship for comfort and support from someone else.
Affair Recovery: 10 Things You Need to Know
Expect the road to be bumpy.
The road to recovery is not easy or fast or particularly comfortable. Real recovery is slow and sometimes stumbles. There can even be spots where things seem to get worse. The overall trend should be positive. Before I mentioned that there are several stages each one of you will go through on your path to healing. In my experience, it takes 1-2 months per stage, so this puts you on track for recovering from an affair within 6-12 months.
The road to recovery is not easy or fast or particularly comfortable. Real recovery is slow and sometimes stumbles. There can even be spots where things seem to get worse. The overall trend should be positive. Before I mentioned that there are several stages each one of you will go through on your path to healing. In my experience, it takes 1-2 months per stage, so this puts you on track for recovering from an affair within 6-12 months.
Affair Recovery: 10 Things You Need to Know
You can’t get better while anyone else is involved in your relationship.
In order to start getting recovering from an affair, you need to do two things: (1) lay all of your cards on the table, and (2) stop all communication with the “affair partner.” Once an affair is discovered, both of you will feel hurt, upset, and somewhat numb. The worst thing that could happen at this point would be for any other bombs to be dropped on the relationship. It is for this reason that I suggest absolutely no contact with the affair partner. There may be some cases where this is impossible, but to the greatest extent possible, eliminate any and all contact with the affair partner. You also need to be open and honest about what happened in the affair and what led up to the affair. These items should be discussed with great care and sensitivity. Many people ask me, “Kathy, can’t we just skip over those details? Won’t those details just hurt her more?” The answer is no. I have found that people’s own imaginations of what might have happened during an affair to be far more hurtful than hearing what really happened.
In order to start getting recovering from an affair, you need to do two things: (1) lay all of your cards on the table, and (2) stop all communication with the “affair partner.” Once an affair is discovered, both of you will feel hurt, upset, and somewhat numb. The worst thing that could happen at this point would be for any other bombs to be dropped on the relationship. It is for this reason that I suggest absolutely no contact with the affair partner. There may be some cases where this is impossible, but to the greatest extent possible, eliminate any and all contact with the affair partner. You also need to be open and honest about what happened in the affair and what led up to the affair. These items should be discussed with great care and sensitivity. Many people ask me, “Kathy, can’t we just skip over those details? Won’t those details just hurt her more?” The answer is no. I have found that people’s own imaginations of what might have happened during an affair to be far more hurtful than hearing what really happened.
Affair Recovery: 10 Things You Need to Know
Trust must be gradually and slowly rebuilt.
Once an affair is disclosed or discovered, the innocent spouse typically finds it very difficult to trust their spouse at all. The affair has likely rocked the innocent spouse to the core; many find themselves wondering if they can trust anything they thoughts they knew about their partner. So it would be unreasonable for an offending spouse to expect to be fully trusted; innocent spouses need time to grieve and time to learn that they can trust you again. Trust is earned and after an affair, the best way for trust to be rebuilt is to keep no secrets and make your life an open book. I have found that couples who recover from affairs the fastest are (1) open to allowing their spouse to have total access to their lives and communication devices, and (2) open to discussing and explaining communication anomalies. As such, I believe that offending spouses should allow their spouses to monitor their phone calls, their emails, their mail…at least for a while. All of us have a desire for privacy, but if you’ve had an affair, you need to let go of your privacy needs for a while in order to allow your spouse to come to know that you have truly ended your affair.
Once an affair is disclosed or discovered, the innocent spouse typically finds it very difficult to trust their spouse at all. The affair has likely rocked the innocent spouse to the core; many find themselves wondering if they can trust anything they thoughts they knew about their partner. So it would be unreasonable for an offending spouse to expect to be fully trusted; innocent spouses need time to grieve and time to learn that they can trust you again. Trust is earned and after an affair, the best way for trust to be rebuilt is to keep no secrets and make your life an open book. I have found that couples who recover from affairs the fastest are (1) open to allowing their spouse to have total access to their lives and communication devices, and (2) open to discussing and explaining communication anomalies. As such, I believe that offending spouses should allow their spouses to monitor their phone calls, their emails, their mail…at least for a while. All of us have a desire for privacy, but if you’ve had an affair, you need to let go of your privacy needs for a while in order to allow your spouse to come to know that you have truly ended your affair.
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