Affair Recovery: 10 Things You Need to Know

Manage your anxiety and talk about the relationship once a week.

It has been said that one of the best things for partners in distress to do is to learn how to manage their own anxiety. Simply put: discussing your relationship day in and day out is a sure-fire way to bring more stress into the relationship. Most men have a very hard time recovering from relationship discussions, so having a daily chat about your union will keep men in an uncomfortable place. The goal is for each of you to feel safe, comfortable, and secure, so we need to create an environment that fosters these feelings. I recommend couples do two things: (1) manage their own individual anxiety by writing in a journal, taking a yoga class, and/or doing something that reduces stress, like going for a walk, and (2) have a “state of the union” talk once per week. In this talk, which should be during a low-stress time, such as a weekend afternoon, I’d like the two of you to sit down in a comfortable place and talk about how you’ve been feeling about the relationship. Each person should be allotted 20-30 minutes to talk about what they’ve been feeling, with the other one listening, making eye contact, taking notes, and focusing on giving the other spouse support and reassurance. Remember that your goal is to soothe your spouse, not put on your best defense. Don’t worry about defending yourself, just listen and try to connect with the emotions that your partner is sharing.